Sunday, January 16, 2022

Pondering

When I change my calendar at the New Year, I transfer all of the birthdays and anniversaries from the old one to the new one. I do realize I could do this electronically or, whatever you want to call it, on my phone, on my laptop, but I want that calendar to have it down in the proper square in ink, with a little heart after the person's name on a birthday, a heart around two people's name for an anniversary. 
This is how I do it. 
I also put down death anniversaries. For whatever reason, those names do not get hearts nor any symbol because what would I use? A heart would be good but that indicates a birthday. 
So just the name. 
Today's square, January 16, reminds me that it is the anniversary of my friend Lynn's death. She died in 2008, so fourteen years ago. That can't be right and yet, it is. My god, time flies so fast. I looked up the blog posts I wrote around the time of her death and so much happened that I don't remember. Some things, though, I do. I remember a man who worked at the nursing home where she was living, asking me one day when I was visiting her, spooning ice cream into her mouth, if I had known her "before all this."
Oh god, that tore my heart out. 
I'd known her since 1975, so yes. 
Enough time has passed since her death that the anniversary of it does not roil the very atoms of my soul anymore. I know the body does hold anniversaries within it in some way that we don't understand. But perhaps that visceral clock or calendar loses its strength over time. I don't know. 
I can think of Lynn now and although I feel great sadness at the way her disease wrenched life from her one nerve ending at a time, slowly, and horrifically, I can think of the joy of her too. 
God, she was a joyful, dancing woman. 
She was a pure ray of love on this earth. I doubt I'll ever meet another human being with a spirit as simply good as Lynn's was. 

Here's a strange thing- I've been thinking about my mother's death too. She died in January, that I could remember, but I've never put that date on the calendar. 
I don't know why and I do know why and there are so many reasons for both sides of that little conundrum. 
So I went back on the blog again and did a search for "mother's death" and I am certain that I had noted this before but it came to me as a complete unremembered shock that her death anniversary is the same as Lynn's, although Mother died in 2013. Only nine years ago. 
How could I have forgotten that? 
It's too fucking weird. And am I that fucking forgetful? 
I guess so. 
And if my feelings about Lynn and her life and our relationship and her death are relatively uncomplicated (although not entirely so, of course) then my feelings about my mother and her life and our relationship and her death are as muddy and jagged and painful and confused as they could possibly be. And yet, I am fairly at peace with them. I know for a fact that there are things I will never know, never understand, never completely accept. 
But it's all right. Life is probably not meant to be entirely figured out, is it? Not mine, not yours. We are complicated individuals, all of us, and the blessing comes not in fighting that, but perhaps in embracing it. 
I don't know. I do not know shit. 

It's been a chilly, windy, raw day here in Lloyd. I did a few things outside but mostly have been in the house, staying warm and cozy. I feel better today but in family news, Jason has Covid. He's been having cold symptoms for awhile but tested negative until last night. He had retested because he was eating and with one bite he could taste, and with the next bite, taste was gone. 
The kids were with him at his house so they and Lily and probably Lauren, although I'm not sure, are quarantining. Lily's going to take everyone to get tested tomorrow. 
Sigh. 
Our family has been so lucky. And we are lucky still. Jason is only having the mildest symptoms. May he be fine. 

One of the things I did today was to pot up some plants I'd rooted. Oh, how I love making plants out of plants! Life, whether human or green, wants to go on, doesn't it? 
Until it doesn't. Or can't. 
That is just the way of it. Of us. 
Here's one of my favorite things right now. 


That larger green thing is the leaf off of a succulent that I picked a tiny sprig off of in Eastpoint when I was there with Terry and Vicky and Mary. Just one sprig and that little part of it fell off and I left it on top of the dirt to see what would happen and there, growing from it, is a sprout which is literally the size of the head of a pin. If that. 
Every day I peer at it carefully to see if it's grown. The very miracle of it cheers me. 

So yes, today is a death day just as all days are for someone, for some thing. And yet, life is starting and continuing for so many others, whether humans or seeds, planted with purpose and hope, or seeds planted with wind and a lucky landing or via the intestinal track and scat of another living creature, bird or cat, raccoon or deer. 

That's what I think. And it's all a goddamn miracle. 

Love...Ms. Moon

43 comments:

  1. You know how some people have face blindness and are not able to recognize faces? I think I have date blindness because I can never remember dates. I have a hard time remembering the date of our wedding anniversary and used to cheat by looking at the inside of my wedding ring! But then I had weird accident with that hand and had to have the ring cut off and have not been able to wear a ring since then. I still don't know for sure if it is the 22, 23, or 24th, although I do remember the year. The only death date I know is my mother's. I only know 2 birthdays - mine and Dennis's. All the others I have to keep on the computer calendar app. Each day comes as a fresh surprise to me, as miraculous to me as yours are to you.

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    1. You know- I doubt my husband could tell you our anniversary date if he had to. He always says that remembering is my job and now...well. I HAVE to write things down.

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  2. Yes on dates. I don't know the dates of deaths. Just the general time of year. I can't seem to grasp them except for the one later this month that broke my parents into before and after. Another time. This is your space.

    Such a short time since your mother went, hard for me to grasp that, my own having gone maybe before you were born. In my thoughts almost daily though. But NY memories of her are less fraught than yours.

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    1. You can always use my space to write a story. Always.
      I think of my mother daily, too. In so many different situations and ways. As to be expected, I suppose. I rarely think of my father who was not a part of my life after I was five. When I do, it just makes me very sad.

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  3. That's supposed to say my, not NY!! Damn Yankees shoving in everywhere.

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  4. I cannot remember dates, either. Happy or sad. Except my mother's. She was 79 when she died in 97. One of her goals had been to live to see this century.

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    1. I wish your mother HAD lived to see the new century. My mother was quite pleased to have lived long enough to see that America had its first black president. She had been a huge long-time supporter of Obama.

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  5. I was molested by my uncle in 1955 on Thanksgiving Day. While it had, and still has a profound effect on my life I, as you well know, it wasn't until Thanksgiving Day in 2006 that I remembered that it was on T.Day. This is something I've thought about every day of my life and spent hours with a therapist talking about. It just didn't register that it was on Thanksgiving Da y for 50-fucking years!
    So there you go......................

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    1. Lord. Our brains are something else, aren't they?
      I am so sorrowful that your uncle molested you. That should not have happened and yes, I definitely know what you mean about the act's profound effect on your life. Way too many of us know.

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  6. My sisters started texting on Tuesday saying "Thinking of you all" and I couldn't figure out what the hell they were thinking of. And then, hours into the day, I remembered it was the anniversary of my father's death--I have a deeply complicated relationship with my family, and live thousands of miles away from all of them, and it didn't surprise me I had forgotten, though it has been a hard, melancholy week. The body remembers, I guess, even when the brain forgets.

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    1. The body does indeed. It and the brain are certainly connected but boy, can the brain lie to you whereas the body generally cannot.
      I hear you on the deeply complicated family situation. Shit.

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  7. I, too,transfer dates from last year’s calendar to next. Actually, I remember all the dates, but find much comfort in this little tradition. I also put the age of the birthday person, and on anniversaries draw a heart with the number of years they’ve been married. During the year I also mark special events. I have calendars when all six of our grands were kids, and they’re filled with ‘Wilson’s soccer game’ and ‘Savannah’s dance recital,’ as well as lots of other special events. Have I mentioned I keep my calendars? Just one more thing I’ve apologized to my daughter for, since she’ll be left with the disposal of them….

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    1. I put the number of years of marriage in the anniversary heart but not the birthdays. Those either I know or it doesn't really matter.
      I put appointments and things on my calendar too and I do keep some of my calendars but mostly for the pictures in case I want to use them for something.

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  8. I regret the year I didn't do the same kind of birthday/anniversary transfer in my hard calendar. Maybe I'll do it again this year, but I'm not sure I can remember all the dates. Sigh.

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    1. Do what Billy did- send out a group of everyone e-mail asking for birthdays!

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  9. I've been reminded now that my father's death anniversary slipped right by me just as it always does. January 15th 2000. I almost never think of my parents anymore, we weren't a close family.

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  10. I also keep a largish diary in the kitchen, and have done for many years...they are all stashed away in the top of a cupboard in case I need to check anything that happened years ago ( or didn't happen maybe!) I transfer birth dates and anniversaries, and dates of death of family and pets. All happenings/appointments are written down in it, and if its not in the diary, its not happening!! It is a sad Monday, if I turn the page to the next week, and it is bare! ( Lunch out this Thursday for a friend's 60th !)

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    1. Now here's how you and I differ- nothing makes me happier than a week with none of the squares filled in!
      Enjoy your birthday luncheon for your friend's sixtieth!

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  11. I too use an old-fashioned calendar; it is a dying tradition, I think. I also mark the days my beloveds crossed over. I honestly didn't think any did that other than me.

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    1. Funny. I have long since realized that almost everything I believe is unique to me is far from it.

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  12. Covid has hit here too after all of us being so lucky. Everyone at my daughter's house was tested. We know my grandson has/had it and of the grandgirls Autumn and Robin tested positive. Haven't heard the results from my daughter or her husband or Mikey's SO Audra. I wonder if they tested the baby. Big drama at Sarah's house on Saturday resulting in the grandson and girlfriend and great grandbaby moving out. Free ride is over so moving to Arkansas where Audra is from and her family is there. We expected it eventually, that she would want to go back home.

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    1. Oh damn. So you won't get to see that baby grow up, will you?
      And I'm sure sorry to hear about all of those in your family who have tested positive. I know we're all going to get it eventually. Owen has it now.

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  13. Sorry to hear that Jason has Covid and hope he recovers soon. Hope it doesn't spread to the others.
    I mark the birthday/anniversary dates on my calendar too. Just this past Saturday (1/15) we celebrated what would have been my Mom's 100th birthday. It was fun looking at old photos and sharing our stories with my brother and sister and family.

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  14. The Dutch have a calendar for all events and it doesn't follow the years, you don't replace it every year, it just has numbers and the month on it. Quite ingenious.

    I don't transfer everything but I do mark birthdays on my calendar every year.

    Hope you have a good day. It's raining here, again and the roads have turned into skating rinks, again.

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    1. The Dutch calendar sounds good. I think I've seen ones like that called "perpetual calendars."
      Ugh. Roads like skating rinks. Please, please be careful.

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  15. Fingers crossed for Jason that it stays mild and that the family avoid it completely!

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  16. I remember when your mother died. Parental relationships can be mysterious even under the best of circumstances. Sorry to hear about Jason! My boss's husband has Covid and she came to work today sniffling! I was like, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" We badgered her until she went home.

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    1. Someone with a definite positive test came to work? WTF, asshole? Sorry. But really. Come on.

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  17. sorry to hear about Jason and I also hope, like all others here, that he recovers quickly and that it doesn't spread to others in your family. Ugh. I transfer dates onto a real calendar also as you do.....b.days, anniversaries (in life, and death anniversaries also)..... without those all being written down, I doubt I could recall them all! the anniversary of your friend Lynn's death is pause to reflect, is it not? of both sadness....and the great joy that your lives had a shared path.
    Susan M

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    1. Absolutely, Susan. It is one of the greatest gifts of my life that Lynn and I crossed and shared paths. She meant so much to my children, too. They will never forget her.

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  18. I don't know how time goes by so fast. This year it will be 20 years since my mother died. How is that possible?

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  19. I too still use a wall calendar. The past few years my daughter has been gifting me a calendar for xmas that she has printed using photos she has taken of my granddaughters. I just adore it and could never throw them away. I also use the hearts on birthdays and anniversaries. On my son's birth and death dates I use a heart with a jagged line through the heart...indicating my broken heart. I draw one heart for each year he has been gone...this year will be 8 hearts. I hate/dread doing it but find I can't stop myself. The grief is not the tsunami it once was but instead just part of my being. It lives in my bones just like my love for him does.
    Angie D

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    1. This is one of the truest, most powerful things I've ever read. Thank you, Angie, for trusting us (me) with such honest beauty.

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    2. Mary, I just realized when reading your reply that this is the only place on the internet where I write about my deep, personal feelings. This place you have created here, where you have shared so much of yourself and your beautiful, open, compassionate, loving heart, well...it's a shelter. It feels safe here. You have lovely readers who must feel the same because I've read their truths here in these comments. So, thank you for blessing our hearts in so many ways. And please know you are beloved by all of us.
      Angie D

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  20. So sorry to hear Jason has COVID, but glad it seems a milder Case of it. Waiting on Test results can be nerve racking. Remembering Dates can be hard to I transfer to Calendars every Year, otherwise Birth and Death Days, Anniversaries and important Dates can elude me. Lynn sounded like a lovely Friend that would be quite Memorable... I have many departed Friends I still miss no matter how much time goes by... sometimes so much time goes by it's hard to Believe they've been gone that long and left such a void that never can be filled no matter how long it's been. Virtual Hugs... getting thru Days that something bad happened is tough, the depth of our Pain always being measured by the depth of our Love.

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  21. I suspect covid will get us all eventually. I hope Jason recovers well and that no one else gets it.

    I am so intrigued by your putting death dates on your calendars, along with birthdays and anniversaries. It strikes me as such a beautiful way to honor beloveds whose memory we hold in the temple of ourselves, to pause and reflect and be thankful for all we shared. You make me think I might like to have some ritual like that. I often can't quite recall the dates, except my father's. That one I always remember.

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    1. It's funny- Glen has no desire to remember death anniversaries and yet I have noticed that he develops physical ailments around those times. I tried pointing that out once and he was absolutely sure that one had nothing to do with the other.
      Well. Okay.
      As Jessie says of her daddy, he is very good at living in the present day.

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