Friday, October 29, 2021

A Different Sort Of Life, Thank All The Lucky Stars

 Jessie just sent me this picture of two boys and some chickens. It's what's happening in her backyard right now. Can you see Fancy Pants? 

I had an immediate reaction to the photo and my eyes stung a little bit as my heart swelled. Such a prosaic picture of such a normal early evening. Two little boys jumping on a trampoline. There's a clothesline and a nice wooden fence, a few chickens scratching about for late dinner. I imagine Jessie is fixing their supper. It looks like the picture was taken from her kitchen window. And Vergil is probably finishing up whatever he's been working on today, about to start the evening shift with his wife of feeding those boys and getting them in the bathtub and in bed. 
And despite the normalcy of this image and the situation, I can't help but be filled with a huge amount of gratitude for exactly that- the normalcy. I know that my grandchildren are being raised with so much love. All of them. And that their parents watch for their safety, they make sure that the children are fed well and have bedtimes and there are rules and they know that there are times to break the rules and  they are there for the children. 

When I think of my own childhood, it is with such a sense of sadness. My mother tried. I know she did. But somehow there was just some sort of illness there that prevented her from being present as a mother, as a parent. And god knows my father, whom I did not see from the age of five until I was thirty, was no part of my life. Then of course, when I got a stepfather, he became the main source of fear and anxiety and anguish and all of the horrible things that children face when things are so very, very wrong in their homes which may look practically perfect from the outside but are malignant and rotten on the inside. 

So when I see a picture like the one above where what you see is exactly how it is, I am filled with a sort of wonder that this could have happened. I know that my children certainly had problems and I was certainly the source of many of them but I don't think that any of them cowered in their beds at night. And here are my grandchildren who are so free in so many ways to be exactly who they are, to express what they need to express, to ask for what they need.
To ask for what they need.
Think about that. 
I don't think I ever felt that I could ask for what I needed as a child. Hell, I didn't even know how to ask for what I needed- safety, protection, security, a sense of being loved and cared for. I carry this with me all these years later. It is still so very hard for me to ask for what I need. The lesson I was taught was that I wasn't going to get what I needed so why ask? 

I've often said that I am living the life I never even dreamed of. And this is true. I have been blessed with so many opportunities in which I knew I needed to figure things out or I would lose these undreamed, unimaginable blessings. Things have definitely just fallen in my lap but I've had to work hard to recognize them, to cherish them, to simply not fuck them up and I have not always succeeded by any means. 

But look- there are two of my grandsons, jumping on a trampoline, and as Jessie said in a text, "The boys have been playing so sweetly together this afternoon. It feels really lovely and right, just like you said." 

I replied that I could tell just from the picture. What I saw was not a fake representation of a perfect life but a true representation of a real life. 

Things get gnarly and hard for all of us at times. There is no enchanted life. There will be chicken poop in the grass and the kids might very well go wild at bath time and refuse to put their pajamas on. 
But there is no monster hiding in the background. There is no mother threatening to kill herself. There is no deep abyss waiting to enfold those children in darkness. 

And I guess that's what I wanted to say today. 

Happy Friday, y'all. 

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. Once again, you have stunned me with your depth and words.
    Susan M

  2. You have assessed Jessie's picture nicely. Well done.

  3. This is such a powerful and poignant reflection on life as it can be when touched by grace, but also the fierce determination to see and love your children, and in turn their children, exactly as they are. This photo and all it evokes is not an accident. But yes, it is so beautiful to have arrived at this place. And to know it in real time.

  4. Isn't it just a wonderful miracle that your grandchildren have that security and love that you didn't get? And don't forget that you gave that to your children so they would have it to give to theirs.

    Good things can happen.

  5. It's uplifting that you could draw so much from what appears at first to be such an ordinary and slightly wonky picture. It is very easy to take things for granted.

  6. you were the cycle breaker. much love and all respect.


  7. I want to hug you. The you of today and the little girl you speak of. Your marriage, your children, and your grandchildren are a legacy of love and I know you are proud of them, as you should be.

  8. May peace and love continue to shine on you and your family!

  9. Oh Mary, life was so different when we were growing up. I didn't feel scared at night waiting for the monster but my mother was absent and incapable of giving her daughters the love and affection and validation they wanted and needed. And while my father was there, he wasn't really there, working from early to late, often on call on weekends, and when he was there he was usually angry and would take it out on us kids. You did a good enough job to produce adults who send pictures like that one and hopefully I did too.

  10. Much to be said of Normalcy and having great Love in any Home, the Freedom to be oneself and being met at your point of Need. I'm glad the bad Cycle was broken and you have those Beautiful Present Moments to experience now. I agree with Ellen, may Peace and Love prevail forever and ever within your Family now.

  11. You're right. Children need security, food, shelter and to know that they are loved. The rest is just surplus really isn't it! How lucky are your grandchildren to have all that - and that comes from you!!! You were obviously always there for your children!

    1. I can't say it any better than that.

      Chris from Boise

  12. It's beautiful to see such a simple, wholesome snapshot of home life. I know you appreciate it and must rejoice that the cycle of abuse has been broken.

  13. It’s such a sweet a photo. My mon tried killing herself a few times too. I’m sure that’s part of why I’m kind of messed up. It was always my fault. I’m so sorry that any child has to fear a monster or take on burdens no child should. Steve is right, you’ve broken the cycle and you and Mr. Moon have created a lovely, loving family. Much love.


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