Thursday, September 15, 2016
Who AM I?
Besides the mosquitoes, I've never seen a summer quite so filled with spiders. I can't tell you how many times I've bounced off a golden orb weaver's web in the last few days. They are that strong. And of course, there are other varieties of spider whose webs are not as strong and which I do not realize are there until I feel the almost weightless strands of them on my shoulders as I walk through them.
It's so odd to me that I have all of this free time and yet, the very idea that I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, is making me a bit crazy. Hell, I could drive down to Apalachicola for the day, buy myself lunch, do a little shopping, even go to the beach...
There is nothing holding me here, not even the thinnest wisp of web.
And yet, as always, I feel unequal to the act of getting in the car and...leaving.
So many choices of what I could do, probably should do.
Like standing in the grocery store in the cereal aisle, overwhelmed by the choices and finally just leaving without one box of the stuff.
Why does everything feel like too much to me?
When did I become so afraid of everything? When did I stop being the sort of woman who made friends and tended to the sick and injured and sat down to write and took care of four children and a husband and pets and went out every Friday night?
It was a process.
And I don't know that I'm truly afraid of doing things. Just...so easily overwhelmed.
But not by spiders. One of which (and I am not making this up) just tried to anchor a web on my elbow.
Yeah. I need to get out of the house.