Friday, December 21, 2012

Solstice Memories

I read an article in the paper this morning that said it would appear that many people have depression over the holidays.

I wonder if they did a fucking study.

I have all of the symptoms of depression. All the time. You probably do too. I think that's completely appropriate, given the times we live in. I think this is the reason people got so excited about the idea of the world ending. The Big Run Away. The Big Letting Go And Letting God.

But. It doesn't happen like that.

The world keeps right on spinning and the garbage still piles up and the bed still needs to be made and the bills still need to be paid and the sky is so very blue today and it's cold and my husband has gone hunting in Georgia and my grandsons will be out this afternoon and today is the solstice and Lily is wondering if I could make homemade eggnog for the Christmas Eve supper and maybe.
Maybe I can.

I dreamed I was going to run away but I didn't run away. I am not wild, even in my dreams. I dreamed that my chickens were laying so many eggs that I didn't know what to do.
Eggnog.

The days will now begin to grow longer. If we lived in olden times, we would put on our velvet and our silken wool and we would light a fire so big and so hot that it would shore us up, our spirits, and keep us going until the sun becomes a warm thing again and we would roast meat and eat it with our fingers and we would drink spirits to further shore up our spirits and we would not say our babies' names out loud until the spring for fear that the gods would take them from us if they knew we had them, and wheat would not be evil but something to sacrifice beasts for, to ensure its successful growth and we would store it and bake great loaves from it and it would nurture our bodies and mothers' milk would flow like honey, sweet and good and fortified from the flesh of the animals, from the grain of the wheat, from the distilled juice of the grapes and the fire would spark and reach up, up, up to the dark sky and the children would huddle against their parents, awed and the fire would reflect in their eyes and the men and women would find each other in the darker corners and would do that which men and women do to ensure more life and can you imagine?

I can.

And I plug in the Christmas lights and plan a feast and take out the garbage and make up the bed and come back to this world, this world which has not ended, not yet and so we go on, depressed or not, the world doesn't care and the wood is hungry for lighting, the babies are hungry for sweet honey milk, the men and women are hungry for each other, the days are hungry for more light, our souls are too.





17 comments:

  1. Practically everyone I know is on the depression meds. Except me. I prefer to feel my feelings, uncomfortable and yuckky as they sometimes are. I mean, where is it written that we are to be happy creatures? People need to give up this fantasy that Joy is everlasting. Feelings are like farts, they dissipate eventually (although some have an incredible hang time!)

    Your post makes me want to put on my snowsuit and have a bonfire outside tonight.

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  2. If your chickens lay too many eggs, make eggnog.
    A better mantra I have not yet heard.

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  3. This is perfect. I have nothing useful to add.

    Thank you for sharing your imagination... Much love, m

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  4. I came here after reading the latest NRA bullshit, and I am calmed. Thank you, dear Mary Moon. The world does go on. And on and on and on.

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  5. I am running away I am wild and I wouldn't trade it for any other life no matter how weird it gets.

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  6. heartinhand- Although I am unmedicated at this time, there have been times when it was them or not live. I chose them. I understand when people do but I also understand that for many of us, happiness is and should be only a sly, fleeting thing.
    It's mostly okay, isn't it?

    Magnum- Now if I only had a milk cow.

    Ms. Fleur- I think it is memory.

    Elizabeth- I just read that too. And I read what you said this morning and you calmed me. Thank you, dear Elizabeth. Thank you.

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  7. Madame King- For me to run away...well. Can you imagine? I can run away, but only this far, to there, then back I have to come.
    You ARE a wild thing. I wouldn't have you any other way either.

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  8. Lovely, and yes, calming. I'm glad we have sunshine here today, after the bitter storm blew through. You reminded me to take my vitamin D, too, thanks. Everyone should take Vitamin D in the winter, it's not a cure, but it sure helps some of the out of balance.
    Enjoy those babies today.
    xo

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  9. In my quiet moments (rare) I long for a simple life, in simple times, all the while knowing I could never live without the chaos I atract.

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  10. This is beautiful, so is the writer. I know her pretty well.

    SB

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  11. The past couple of days I've wanted to curl into myself and cry and never come out. Even in the desert where's it's sunny. This morning I felt like driving off a cliff and saw how sunny it was outside and in my head though "I like the sun. That's nice." But it didn't really change how I felt. I understand the seasonal depression when it's so gray and heavy it starts to feel like your skin - but it's not gray and heavy here. What gives?

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  12. Yes, I can totally imagine . . . I was almost there. And then, I too, came back to more fairy light fixing, feast planning, list writing and thinking I might as well get on and enjoy it.
    A beautiful, spirit lifting, post x

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  13. I believe it's dangerous to confuse clinical depression with sadness.

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  14. Mel- I have just given up taking supplements entirely. I can't tell one damn bit of difference. I do get outside almost every day, though.

    Brother Wrecking Ball- We find what we need. That is for sure.

    Ms. Bastard-Beloved- Yes. You do. Thank-you, darling.

    Rachel- I don't know. Christmas brings so much baggage it's a wonder any of us ever digs out from beneath it. Maybe?
    I'm sorry and I hope this passes soon.

    Bugerlugs- I am so glad you liked it. I am.

    Madame Radish King- And that is so very, very true. I wish none of us knew the damn difference.

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  15. too many expectations are laid on us in the manner of giving the perfect gift and receiving your heart's desire for this holiday not to mention how perfect the tree and decorations and cooking is supposed to be. No wonder so many get depressed. you are expected to make it be and have it be 'the most wonderful time of the year'. No wonder so many wig out at the impossibility of it all. But ya know, it's just a time of the year with all the ups and downs of any other time of the year, except maybe suffering from lack of sunlight which contributes to the depression. I just do the things I want and don't worry about the rest. It's always a no stress time for me.

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  16. Ellen Abbott- That is exactly what I am aiming for.

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  17. I like the idea of sitting around a fire and gnawing on bones and wearing wool, not taking a bath until spring and swigging on some grog. Sounds like a pretty good time to me.
    By the way, I'm reading Stephen King's tome 11-22-63. Pretty good reminder of the way things used to be.

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