The Time Of Year When Winter And Spring Come Together In Lloyd

The Time Of Year When Winter And Spring Come Together In Lloyd

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Baffled


Yesterday when we were in the Costco, I bought a razor and eleven cartridges. It cost about one million dollars but in my defense, eleven razor cartridges will last me two years. They put forty-two blades in each of those things and how dull can they get shaving my sparsely bristled legs and armpits? Not that dull.
But that's not what I want to talk about. You see that package? It took me twenty damn minutes to get that fucking razor and those cartridges out of it. WHO INVENTED THIS SORT OF PACKAGING? ARE THEY IN JAIL? Because they should be.
Granted, I only used a sharp pair of nail scissors to open it but even if I'd used a chain saw, it would have taken awhile. The plastic they use to "protect" the product appears to be stronger than what they build cars out of these days. And it's so cleverly bonded within the building-grade cardboard that there's no damn way you can separate the layers in order to handily remove the product within. This is ridiculous! If I was a feeble old woman instead of just the regular old woman I am, it would have been impossible to get that shit out of there.

Pill packaging has the same thing going on. Have you tried to pop a Benadryl out of its peel-the-paper-away-and-then-pop-the-pill-out-of-the-foil thing lately? If you were having an allergy attack of some sort, you'd be in full blown anaphylactic shock before you finally got that pill out of there. And why must pills, from the aforementioned Benadryl to Zantac be packaged like that? And then the little cards holding the pills are all nestled in a cardboard box. WHY CAN'T THEY JUST PUT THE FUCKING PILLS IN A FUCKING BOTTLE WITH A FUCKING LID ON IT?

Jesus.

Let's save a tree or two, folks.

Things just keep happening in this world that make no sense to me. Last night Mr. Moon and I were watching one of the most absurd shows on TV and they kept advertising a new show that's going to be premiering soon which is all actual real recordings of 911 calls.
"Who in the world would want to watch that?" Mr. Moon asked. Just the ads for it were making us anxious and panicky.
"Well hell," I said. "WE'RE watching DUCK DYNASTY!"
"Good point," he said.

Haven't watched Duck Dynasty? You probably do not need to. However, if you start, you might get hooked. It's about a family who got rich making duck calls. If you don't know what a duck call is, quit reading now. This is not the show for you. They all look a little bit like ZZ Tops guys. Well, the men. Somehow (money?) they all managed to marry gorgeous women who, although they may sound like they are from where they are, which is Louisiana, look like they probably know their way around a Platinum Visa. The menfolk like to hunt and fish and they mostly wear cammo and so yes, we would fit right into this family. On one of the episodes, one of the sons was burning leaves in his front yard and his wife got on his ass and said that once again, they were going to get in trouble with the homeowners association. Did he not remember all the hell that broke loose when he cleaned a deer on the back of his truck in the front yard which terrorized the neighbor children? He replied that maybe if some of those neighbors actually cleaned some of their own meat in front of their kids they wouldn't be so damn terrorized. 
Hard to beat that logic.

Here's a clip where the daddy of the family talks about his wife, the matriarch of the family and gives advice about how to maintain a good marriage.




Now see? I can relate to this shit. Except for the frog legs thing. I told Mr. Moon last night that there is no way in hell ever, ever, EVER that I am going to cook or eat frog legs and that's just the way it is.
He looked stricken.
Oh well.

He's getting ready right now to go deer hunting up in Georgia for the weekend. I have finally made my peace, after twenty-nine years of knowing him, with venison. Venison is fine. I know how to cook it now. I appreciate it for the good meat it is. I know that when hunting season comes along I have to stop using scented laundry detergent. I have washed mountains of cammo in our years together. As you may recall, my husband spent a week last summer hunting for alligator. No, he did not get one, but it was a possibility. And I really don't know if I would have tried to cook that alligator or not, had he actually captured one. Thank god it's a moot point at this point.
But my line is drawn at bullfrogs. No way in hell.

How did I get from packaging to the cooking of bullfrogs? I don't know. Oh wait. Yes I do. I was talking about all the things that go on which I do not understand.
Let me just sum it up for you: Their name is Legion.

And I will no more be watching a show with actual 911 calls on it than I will be cooking bullfrogs. However, a little deer meat, a little Duck Dynasty? Yes. I can handle that.

All right. I need to go take a walk and at some point today I'll be shaving my legs with my brand new one million dollar razor which took me twenty minutes to get out of the package. Once again I'll be a hunting widow for the weekend but that's okay. I am married to a man who loves to hunt but I think that like the old man on Duck Dynasty, my husband loves and appreciates me for who I am, quirks and all. Just like I love and appreciate him for who he is. I may be baffled by a lot of things, but I am quite sure about that.

Love...Ms. Moon

14 comments:

Magnum said...

you can use a bullfrog on your leg hair, their natural slime dissolves unwanted hair on contact.
And if you eat his legs first, your leg hair removal device won't hop away.

Ms. Moon said...

Magnum- Not in this fucking lifetime.

Akannie said...

Mz Moon, I just saw a little thing about using your can opener (the manual kind) to open those fucking packages. It LOOKED like a good idea, as I can never get them open either without a bushel or 2 of cursing and yelling.

Denise Emanuel Clemen said...

One of my pet peeves, those packages.
Tell Mr. Moon I'll take some frog legs if he wants to FedEx them in a dry ice cold pack.. Just make the package easy to open!

Syd said...

I use pinking shears to open those packages. Too much packaging, I agree.

Elizabeth said...

My Italian grandmother used to wrap things up with hundreds of layers of plastic wrap and then foil. I imagine it's the same instinct -- something to do with communists and thieves.

Petit fleur said...

Yep, packaging is insane. Wait till Christmas and the boy tries to open one of his overpackaged toys which are held in the package with industrial strength wires! yikes!

The duck people lost me at the squirrel brains. Yesh! I did like the dude though. He seemed cool.
xo

Jill said...

Oh, I can relate to a lot in this post!

The razor thing - first off I too buy them in bulk and think the price is nutty but hey! (notice I said "hey" like Si on Duck Dynasty?)

I LOVE Duck Dynasty. It seems scripted at times which is a bummer but good grief the things that come out of their mouths are not scripted. And they crack me the heck up. I watch that show all by myself and laugh out loud the entire time. I even watch the same episodes a second time and they are still funny. I find myself quoting those guys and that makes me happy (in fact, happy.happy.happy). I actually know you can buy a coffee cup that says happy.happy.happy on it - I would drink out of that!

Have a sweet day!

Rebecca said...

I constantly bewail the stupid, stupid, STUPID packaging thing! Remember the Tylenol scare back in the eighties? That's when all this insanity started. And just for the record, you can buy Benadryl in bottles. Buy the store brand. I use so much of it I buy the big bottle.

gradydoctor said...

The BHE is 100% hooked on Duck Dynasty. He LOLs and howls at it, only stopping to call me into the room as he pauses, rewinds and then cackles through an instant replay. I don't watch it but I must say -- I love watching him watch it.

Ms. Moon said...

Akannie- I have a manual can opener but it's that kind that works from the top. I don't think it would work.
I'm still thinking chain saw.

Denise- Gladly.

Elizabeth- Haha! Communists and thieves! Oh my.

Ms. Fleur- I ain't eatin' no squirrel brains either.
And yes, we've dealt with those damn metal wires. I hate them too.

Jill- I'm not trusting the "reality" of that show either. But it's still funny.

Rebecca- This IS the store brand. Dammit.

Grady Doctor- I can just see him calling you into the room and you being all...uh, yeah. That's hysterical! Sort of.

Steve Reed said...

Just to show you how much of a city slicker I am, it took me several minutes to figure out the connection between unscented laundry detergent and deer hunting.

Packaging IS a nightmare -- not only hard to open but so wasteful.

I think I'll skip "Duck Dynasty." (I don't think it's made its way to Britain anyway.)

Ang's Got Moxie said...

A couple nights ago, I HAD an allergy attack and I could NOT, to save my life get the benadryl out of that package! It's a good thing somebody else was here, with a knife, to open it! Grrrrr!

And I married a hunter, too. Sigh. I have resigned myself to venison and the need for a hunting season to control population, avoid disease and starvation in animals and all that jazz. But that doesn't mean that I can't still personally think that you should only kill it because it is going to eat you or you need to eat it. And that means I have to cook it. No frogs!!

heartinhand said...

I watched a whole season of Honey-Boo-Boo last week so who am I to judge?LOL!