Sssh, sssh, ssssh. There, there. It'll be all right.
That is what I would tell my soul if I could this morning.
I think that forgetting to take my antidepressant until bedtime is not a good idea. I had dreams...oh, I had dreams. The kind that take me a good long while to shake because for one thing, they were powerful, for another, they were so complex and full of personal insights (and none of them good, believe me) that I have to go back and keep picking them apart like a scab on a blooded knee from where I fell on the gravel driveway of the school yard.
Sssh, sssh, sssh. Everything's all right. It's all okay.
Some days, I am just so weary. I slept too late because I was so weary. And I am not weary in the body. I haven't walked in over a week (my foot, Owen, Gatorbone, life) and I am suffering from that not-body weariness and that alone is probably wearing out my soul. It's all a vicious cycle of more weariness leading to even more and despair leading to deep despair and more weariness and I think I dreamed about everyone I've ever known, like a virtual dreamland Sergeant Pepper's album cover.
So now I have to go take a walk and the chicken coop MUST be mucked out and Billy is coming out (Billy is coming out!) and this yard- oh, this yard it needs help and so does the garden. And the day is half over.
Listen- if you have any interest in writing (and what blog-writer doesn't?) I advise you to go here:
http://melcarroll.blogspot.com/ and read what Annie Dilliard says about writing. It's long. Print it out and read it at your leisure.
What caught me most were these lines:
There is something you find interesting, for a reason hard to explain. It is hard to explain because you have never read it on any page; there you begin. You were made and set here to give voice to this, your own astonishment.
And then, as if the universe had a purpose, Adrienne sent me a link this morning that rounds that thought out- it's not just the writing about something that only you find fascinating, it is the doing, too, which makes each and every one of us unique and as I see it, a tiny part of whatever it is I call God, functioning here on earth, rounding out and creating the universe, each of us, one tiny word at a time, one tiny stitch at a time and if that's true, maybe there's a reason I'm here and that's what I'm trying to believe this morning. Trying to keep those thoughts in my mind to fight my way out of the silly brown paper bag I've wrapped myself in somehow in my sleep, somehow in my life. Those are the thoughts I am using to sssh my silly mind.
Sometimes the mattering makes you feel obligated or accountable and that is exhausting too, a burden, and yet you are needed . The tiniest flicker of light is more than most could dream of shining out with glaring headlight effort. Swirl about and it will radiate back to you.
ReplyDeleteI think.
My Dear Ms. Moon,
ReplyDeleteThere are many reasons you are here. Mainly, they are to love your dear friends and family, and you do a damn good job of it. I wish you could love yourself more.
I am sorry you are having another down day. I really am.
I love you SO MUCH. You are a dear person and unique in my life and those of many others.
SB
Loved the links. That fed my soul, too. For the first time ever, I dared to open a file on my computer for possible future writing. It's a first step. It may not go anywhere. But - Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI once had a dream my Dad died the night before he did. It was the only time I ever dreamed of anything that happened. It made me think every dream could come true. It certainly made analizing dreams a wee bit more interesting for a while.
ReplyDeleteI have REALLY crazy dreams. When you have one that gets under your skin, no amount of logic can shake the impression they leave. It's great when they are good, but usually (for me) they are disturbing. I am sorry you had a bad one. Thankfully for us, it hasn't hurt your writing at all.
Hang in the my blog Sister.
big kisses and hugs.
ReplyDeleteXOXOXOXO pf
Your mind is so not silly. I understand all the mumbo jumbo about feeling one's feelings and saying one's thoughts, but I do feel that you need to erase the thought that your mind is "silly." I'd even go so far as to say that it's downright silly to say your mind is silly. But enough blathering.
ReplyDeleteYour mind is great. Sure, you feel despair and depression, especially in the wee hours, but you're not alone. Ever. And since your wee hours might be my late ones, you can always email me. I'm probably up and could easily hop over into your silly mind and give it a couple of whacks.
Love you, Ms. Moon.
Ms. Moon, thanks for sending me over to Mel's blog. The Annie Dillard piece gave me some terrific perspective as a writer & poet. I often don't feel as comfortable with my writing, as I do with my painting and drawing. I think I understand some of that more now.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping the rest of your day is not so dark and that tonight you get some rest without the exuberance of sorting through complex dreams, that shake you to your core.
Sending hope, and light, and wonder your way.
Ohg, Ms. Moon, I just love you and your words. The exact same sentence latched on to me with a fierce grip. I am astonished, all day long. And I sleep the St. Pepper dreams, too, though they are the nice ones. I write my dreams out in little short story essays, they astonish me so much.
ReplyDeleteI wish we could sleep, yes I do. At least we can write about it to help soothe our souls a little bit.
Annie Dillard wrote about seeing a solar eclipse for the first time, and it is the most amazing thing I think I have ever read. I'll try to find it and link it. Thanks for the nod over to my crazy page, where I try to self soothe and ssssh my silly mind too!
Hope you get a lot done outside, I'll bet you feel much happier with the chickens. It is dreary beyond description here now, and cold too. I find myself making soup as therapy!
I hope your bad dreams ease off, they are never welcome and take so long to leave us.
ReplyDeleteDeb- I am thinking about this. I am trying to swirl. Thank-you.
ReplyDeleteMs. Bastard-My-Dear- You are precious to me. Thank-you.
Mwa- Future writing? Do it now. You are, every day, anyway, with your blog which I see growing in spirit and in talent.
Brother Wrecking Ball- I heard a doctor on NPR talking about prescient dreams. They do happen, usually when it's something very important. Such as your father dying.
Mine are usually just the shredded tailfeathers of my sleeping mind and I know that, but yes, even those are hard to shake. (Pun intended.)
Thank-you, sweet man.
Ms. Fleur- And always, thank you. What you sent me has also given me a lot to think about.
Elizabeth- I may do that and you may do the same. If I am not awake, I will answer you in the morning. Thank you, sweetness.
Kyle- Good. I knew that a lot of people would get a lot from those words. I am glad you were one of them.
Thanks for all you are sending.
Mel- Thank-you again for posting that and I did not think you'd mind if I linked you. And being with my chickens is soothing. Billy helped me muck 'em out and then we gathered worms for them. Yes. We gathered worms for chickens. It was fun.
Ginger- Ah yah. Maybe it's the moon.
i'm glad the link meant something to you. funny that your post seemed quite positive to me, thaough everyone is soothing you.
ReplyDeleteperhaps my perspective is different because i spend so much time ssshing my own soul.
i think creative folks do that; we are a bit outside of regular folks, aren't we?
i do hope people looked at the video. i found it so incredibly magical and inspiring.
darn...you hate all those adjectives, don't you?
Adrienne- Yes! I, too, thought it was a positive post, even though my heart was weary when I wrote it. That video was INCREDIBLY magical and inspiring to me. It reminded me of when my friend Sue died and I was making the tiny bags with string and slender crochet needles. Why? I have no idea, but I had to.
ReplyDeleteWhat would I do without you, Adrienne? I don't want to think about it.
i don't either, ms moon. and thank the powers that be, we don't have to.
ReplyDeletexo
Adrienne- And no, I certainly do not hate all the adjectives.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad I am not the only one who has to comfort myself with words like this on a daily basis. I loved this post especially, a lot. ;-)
ReplyDeletePS I have gourds we can all shake at each other. I grew them for the second time this year. They are hanging right now on their dead vines, in the cold, on the high trellis.
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading the A.D. piece (I love her) for some reason I thought, I wonder if you've ever read "The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane" by Kate DiCamillo, a little rabbit story. I think you'll like it.