Friday, October 2, 2009

After Birth


Is it the fall-feeling weather? Is it the huge new perceived responsibility? Is it some sort of grandmother hormones kicking in and not behaving themselves? Is it that Mr. Moon is going to the island this weekend to make plans to re-roof the shack?
I don't know, but the anxiety which has been at bay mostly, is back.
And I hate this. I hate it, hate it, hate it.
It takes my life and makes it nothing but a space to get through before I can go back to bed and sleep again.
And I should be nothing but joyful, joyful. And happy. And pleased.
I should be relaxed and empty of everything but the pleasure and relief of knowing that Owen is here and safe and gaining weight and that Lily is well.
And here I am, praying for this feeling to pass, knowing that a feeling is nothing but a feeling, knowing also that a sword in the side would be nothing but a sword in the side, so what?
It doesn't help so much when it's happening.

The world is going on as it should. Mr. Moon is getting the boat ready for the crossing. Yoga was pleasant. Miss Mabel is sitting on the nest. We got five eggs yesterday. I got my prescription refilled yesterday and have no worries about running out of that. The garden needs weeding, as it always does. The laundry needs doing. No big deal.

So why is this retarded, evil voice whispering in my ear, making my stomach clench into an unrelenting fist, why is my heart pulling up the covers around its head?

And why do I expect there to be any logic to mental illness? There is none. Let me just tell you that- there is none. So don't fucking expect it.

Haul water, chop wood, feed the chickens, wash the dishes, make a card, plan a menu, sweep the floors, get in the office, write a page, write a chapter, bleed on the page, weep through the chapter. Let it go, let it flow, keep all arms and legs inside the vehicle, objects in mirror are closer than they appear, get in the dirt, wash it off, don't be afraid, don't be afraid, don't be afraid.

33 comments:

  1. Maybe it's the time of year. I'm feeling it too, although in my life there is plenty wrong to cause anxiety and no anti-depressant in the world strong enough to take it away. :-{

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  2. Oh, I think having a new grandson and all that comes with it is a PERFECTLY reasonable explanation for your renewed anxiety. There is yet one more person in the world to love and cherish, which conversely means you have that much more to lose. And it doesn't matter what you "should" be feeling, becuase you ARE feeling afraid and anxious. It will pass, and underneath it all is still the same joy and wonder and blessedness, but I think you have to feel the fear too.

    There is my pop-psych. diagnosis for the day. Happy to help.

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  3. I love you Mama! And that's all I have to say for now.

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  4. I blame the seasons, my hormones and my brain. I get anxious every fall because I know how long the wait for Spring will be. I need to move south as Chicago winters break my spirit every year. I wish I could find the medication to stop the worry and fear and agitated mind that keep me from loving my life as much as I should. I'm with you, getting dirty, staying busy help, but some days I just exist to get to bed to hope I wake up a little different, hopefully better. It is a comfort to me that you are fighting this battle too, that you are willing to talk about it so openly.
    Don't be afraid is a good mantra. I tell myself not today, not today, not today. I will not be ruled by anxiety today. I'm trying to listen to myself.
    I expect everything to be logical: I was a scientist before I was a mom and I believe in cause and effect and this illogical me is making me crazy bit by bit. Once in a while I get a good day and I wallow in it so I can get through the bad ones.
    Wishing you some good days to wallow in. :)

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  5. I don't think telling yourself that you SHOULD feel some other way is going to HELP you feel any other way. Know what I mean?

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  6. Downtown Guy - YES exactly as per Mr. Irving, just keep passing the open windows! :-)

    I smiled reading that!

    And to you, dear Mary Moon, indeed, keep passing the open windows. I wish you peace.
    Mary

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  7. Yes. Don't be afraid. And no "shoulds" or "woulds," Ms. Moon. This will pass. Thinking of you -- and I can't imagine that there must be some sort of letdown after all the glory of the last week.

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  8. Mary: my sister May and I have been saying that to each other ever since I read Hotel New Hampshire as a teen.

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  9. I'm holding your hand as we go for a stroll and breathe and then stroll some more. Sending you a big smooch, Ms Moon

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  10. Sending huge hugs to hold you tight. It will pass, we both know this. The worry, anticipation and elation of the safe birth of Owen... it's the flip side of the coin. You will level... I promise. I have to read that book DG... er, "keep passing the open windows" (is a good thing to say, yeah?!) You have so much love in you. Have some more directed to you x

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  11. Everything is great here. The chores are done, Max and Elijah are napping, I'm eating a spinach salad, Rose and Olivia are in school, Jeremiah is at work...but I'm still fretting over the fact that Olivia needs a new jacket (where will I get one? what color will she need?) and whether or not the cherry tomatoes Elijah had for lunch had mold on them (I found one in my salad that did!)...
    So I'm guessing it doesn't ever end?

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  12. The weather, the down from the biggest high ever or almost ever, the approaching season of cold and gray, our anticipatory selves dealing with what is yet to come, what else? Ah, yes. Our emotional see-saw taking us up and down for the "fun" of it. I believe anxiety is the daughter of frustration because we cannot see, neither can we figure what is making us anxious. We have no control over it and that in and of itself is reason for anxiety. Uroboros at its best, it comes and goes, always uninvited like a drunken guest from the neighbors' party.

    Take a deep breath and perhaps find comfort in knowing from your own experience that this too shall pass. Thank you for my hug, and back at you girl.

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  13. Same here, all should be right in my world, but anxiety keeps it from being so....
    I wish you calm and peace and everything else that goes with them.

    ~Tiffany

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  14. I've come to accept that I can't control my feelings that have their own beautiful reasons for being there. Even if they're yucky, they are part of what makes me whole and alive, and I celebrate that. I'm glad your beauty helps me do that. Thank-you.

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  15. Lucy- We do what we can. Thanks for the words, honey.

    DTG- No problem there, baby boy.
    Love you.

    Kori- I think your diagnosis has much truth. Thank-you, sweetie.

    HoneyLuna- I love you too, my heart.

    Mel- It helps so much to share. Thank-you, thank-you.
    We are not alone, are we?

    Steph- I know exactly what you mean. The brain just wants to find logic where there is none.

    Mary- It'll come. It always does.
    Thank-you.

    Elizabeth- I think of you and I feel stronger.

    Michelle- I feel that hand. You've brought tears to my eyes. Thank-you, you sweet, sweet mother/sister.

    Ms. Lilac- And I know you know. Thank-you.

    Erin- No. Dammit. Never.
    Unless you're in Mexico. Then it goes away.

    Allegra- I have been thinking lately about how slowly I back up now in the car and I see other older people doing the same. I think it's because we KNOW that there can be things behind you that you can't see that you could hurt or be hurt by. There is never anything simple about the simplest things sometimes.
    Here's another hug...XXOO and some kisses too.

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  16. Lola- Again- logic plays no place in any of this. We are not Vulcans, are we?

    Robyn- That is a wonderful way to look at things. Thank-you.

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  17. Yes, feelings are only feelings - but they are YOUR feelings, and if you're anxious, you're anxious. Can't be helped, no matter how bad you want to control it, and it sucks.

    I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

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  18. Listen to your children! They are wise beyond there years. Love you, Jan

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  19. okay, okay, I meant their years!

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  20. It may be a cop out... but when I feel like that, I try deep breathing and tapping my chest.. If that doesn't work I pop an Ativan, because life is too short to feel that shit as often as we do. So, in the end, my life may become shorter for being a damn pill popper, but it will be much more joyful.

    I hope you feel better soon sister moon. Call if you want to. Harley and I always enjoy your company.
    xoxopf

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  21. Ginger- I know. All the world's a stage and we are each of us the star of our own stage. Sometimes we're the drama queens, too.

    Jan- I have some smart young'uns, don't I?
    I'm glad we're about to start doing the radio plays. I need something to do in the OPERA HOUSE with my playmates.

    Ms. Fleur- I know. I took a quarter of an Ativan yesterday and almost fell asleep. Today I'm trying the dirt and breathing therapy. So far, so good. Love you, dear neighbor.

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  22. So sorry dearie. I do understand as I catch myself catering to my weird little quirks or anxieties at times as well.

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  23. Just sayin' "hi" and thinking of you, Ms. Moon. :) Take care.

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  24. Just sending a hug. Anxiety sucks. I'm trying to breathe through it just now, but I'm still lying awake, certain all kinds of diseases are killing me right now. It's shitty. But hey, it seems to be what is there. And I try to remember it's just thoughts. That sometimes helps. Just thoughts.

    Kisses. Take care of yourself.

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  25. Marsha- I'd rather cater a wedding, frankly.

    Nicol- YOU are one sweet girl. Thank-you.

    Daddy X- So what does that mean, dear boy?

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  26. Probably best described as a wish of strength & luck in tough times.

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  27. I know those kinds of feelings. I'm sorry you're feeling them. You know it will get better, and I hope it's soon.

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  28. Mwa- Kisses to you, too, sweet girl. I listened to that whole tape you posted today. I am going to use it. Thank-you. And I, too, am always dying of many diseases even though basically, I am healthy as a horse, which I am sure you are too. Isn't it funny how we share these specific insanities?

    Daddy X- Then great, good word that we need in English. Thank-you.

    Lora- Of course it will pass. Thank god.

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  29. Laugh at it. Mock it. The fact that it thinks it's significant, or real, or that you need it. Breathe it away.

    Maybe it's here because it's a default state. It can be comfortable being negative, or depressed, or anxious. I think I engineer minor things to be anxious about. Because it's what I know, and therefore I go to it, maybe especially when all is well, because it's that that feels unsafe and unfamiliar.

    EFT.

    http://www.emofree.com/articles/installing-behavior.htm

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4EDgTc0AyQ

    Even though I'm feeling anxious I love and accept myself... Even though I'm feeling anxious...

    Love you xx

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  30. This is the best explanation I've ever read about what it feels like. You're helping the world understand in addition to helping yourself.

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  31. Ms. Jo- You are always so wise in your answers.

    Ms. Kathleen- Ah! YOU are the Kathleen. I hope that your anxiety, like mine, has slipped away to that evil place where it lives.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.