Ms. Moon is not easily shocked. Oh, honey. The stories I could tell.But I have to tell you, right this second I am reeling. Yes, reeling!
Have you ever seen a Vermont Country store catalog? They come every Christmas (or October, actually) and are just chock-a-block with good ol' American goods that are hard to find these days. Things like curtains that keep the cold out, wooden toys that your grandparents might have played with ("The Downhill Dasher! Made in the United States Since 1889! Still Delivers the Winter Ride of a Lifetime!"), thick, cozy flannel nightgowns that nuns might break out on a festive, chilly evening, old fashioned Christmas tree ornaments, and plenty of yummy food items, many featuring maple, and some great nostalgia-producing candies that you can't believe they still make.
Ribbon Candy, for example:
And here's a Bozo Bop bag (Wowie! Kawzowie! Releases excess energy and tension!)
Useful things, practical things, fun things, holiday things and things that make you go, "Hmmm..." like the lotion applicator which allows you to extend your reach and keep your hands clean while rubbing lotion on those hard-to-reach spots on your back.
All very good clean, American fun.
As far as I can remember, the raciest thing in the VCS catalog was something like this:
But wait, wait, WAIT! What is this?
Or THIS????
The Synergy PLEASURE System? Are you kidding me? In the Vermont Country Store Catalog??
Releasing Excess Energy and Tension for sure! Those Vermonters are gettin' frisky, folks!
And my personal favorite:
The Ergonomic Pillow. Read it and weep. For joy!
The ergonomic Pillow Reduces Pressure on the Tailbone and Pelvis for Greater Pleasure During Intimate Moments
- Lifts, tilts, and cradles your hips to reduce pressure
- Eliminates the need to uplift the pelvis
- High-density foam is extremely cushiony
- Designed by a gynecologist
This specially designed ergonomic pillow reduces pressure while increasing pleasure.
And don't forget, it's designed by a gynecologist! It must be great!I just don't even know what to say. Should I place an order? Call them up and say, Yeah, I'd like some of that genuine Vermont cheddar along with a dozen Zagnut bars, a 100% Cotton chenille bedspread, some cute little 1950's bubble lights for the tree, perhaps a natural bristle toothbrush, and oh yeah, throw in a Synergy Pleasure System. That sounds good. Uh-huh. Put it all on my credit card. Thanks!
The holidays might end up being merry and bright if I shop the Vermont Country Store way!
Merry Christmas, Y'all! I hope I didn't shock you.
And oh yes, have a safe and Happy Halloween. Perhaps I will dress as Country Ms. Moon, which will involve wearing a flannel nightgown and holding a martini.
Remember people- combine your tricks with treats and everyone will be happy.
Hahahaha..
ReplyDeletehahahahahahaha....
I want pictures of the flannel nightgown & martini!
What holiday was it that we sat around on the porch and Billy read out parts of some old folks catalog that included "marital aids"? That was a fun time.
ReplyDeleteWell....it's cold up there.
ReplyDeleteI saw that 4-button vibrator at walgreens pharmacy!
ReplyDeleteI can just hear my great grandpa chuckling from the outhouse while reading a catalog like this up at the cottage....oh, the memories...
ReplyDeleteThere will be no pictures, AJ!
ReplyDeleteWell, unless I have too many martinis and I will NOT post while intoxicated.
DTG- yeah, getting old is weird.
HWB- I thought I was reading the California Country Store Catalog. But yes, it does get cold up there, thus all the flannel nighties and long underwear in the catalog as well as the, uh, marital aids.
Hello AngryJew! Happy to have you drop by! Did you purchase the "massager" at Walgreens? We'd enjoy a review.
Rachel- you must have had a spunky grandpa.
Lyman Orton here, proprietor of The Vermont Country Store. Delighted you are enjoying the dichotomy of our offerings from flannel night gowns to marital aids, which we call Intimate Solutions - a euphemism for you know what. It freaks some of our customers out - it's like, for some, such a shock to come to terms with, "Oh my god, my older parents are still having sex!"
ReplyDeleteSend me those photos of the flannel night gown/martini - who knows maybe we'll put them up on vermontcountrystore.com. (lorton@vermontcountrystore.com).
For some good clean fun read my rant on The Right To Dry. Will your neighbors be set off when you hang your clothes out on a line?
Fall 2008
Do You Have The “Right To Dry” Where You Live?
We've been promoting a new kind of civil disobedience to save energy and help the planet: Set up a clothesline and hang your wash out even if you live in a neighborhood where doing such is prohibited. Is it not the height of snobbery to declare hanging clothes out to dry illegal?
Someone years ago in some rich, exclusive development decided that clotheslines with their hanging sheets—and, oh-my-gosh, underwear!—were déclassé and declared them illegal. That was the turning point in America, when we started moving from the small-town feel of inclusion to the gated-community exclusion and buying of status. Such ordinances and association rules fly in the face of efficient energy use and it's time to get rid of them.
It's a beautiful thing to see clothes drying in the sun and wind, letting nature do the job for free, without any energy being used or lint accumulating. Do my tighty-whities hanging on the line really shock and embarrass anyone? If I have a clothesline, do you look down on me? Well, certainly not in Vermont!
This past year in Vermont we attempted to pass a “right to dry” law but it failed. You can be sure we'll bring it back this coming year and hope other states do the same.
We are not trying to shame anyone into getting rid of their dryer but we are trying to gain the right for anyone to put up a clothesline and dry their laundry the old-fashioned way. It's not only frugal but a common sense way to reduce our impact on the planet.
Great rant, Mr. Orton! Hanging clothes on the line comes about as close to feeling holy as I ever get. :)
ReplyDeleteAaah-men!
ReplyDeletelol!!! ha ha ha! that's so great! ha ha ha!!!! lol!
ReplyDeleteHow did I miss this post? Who da thunk Lyman Orton is COOL? I'm going to start purchasing shit from The Vermont Country Store now. I thought it was only for my elderly ex- mother-in-law. How wrong I was.
ReplyDeleteMs. Bastard-Beloved- Where did you think your ex-mother-in-law was buying her "marital aids"?
ReplyDeleteI don't even want to think about that. Yuck. She has the severe arthritis and shit.
ReplyDeleteI want that gyno pillow. Could be used for sledding too!
ReplyDelete