I've just felt like a rag of a hag today. A bag of mess of a human being. So yes, back to the way I felt a few days ago when I was grieving for the things I've lost as I've aged and the things I will go on to lose as I age even more. I know that I could improve my attitude by doing more for others and "getting out" more. Perhaps taking some classes or volunteering here or there and yet, I have no desire to do those things, to be anywhere around other humans for the most part, to creep out of my comfortable nest of the well known, well-used, well tested and found true.
For me, anyway.
I feel worthless.
A few days ago I told Mr. Moon that we should do something this weekend. I am not sure what I had in mind but something. He asked me last night if I'd thought about that- did I want to go spend the night at the beach or Apalachicola or...what?
I told him that at that moment, the thought of breaking my routine enough to go to the Waffle House for breakfast seemed pretty big. We laughed but I wasn't really trying to be funny.
So today the subject came up again and I told him that it's too damn hot to go to the beach and it is. That the idea of walking around Apalach in this heat with all the tourists was not appealing in the least. We settled on going to Thomasville, Georgia which is not very far away, for lunch and to maybe shop a little bit. Perhaps it would not be as deadly hot a few miles north.
Anyway, this seemed like something I could handle and it's a beautiful ride if you go the back roads and as Mr. Moon said today, he's never in a hurry anymore and I am not either. We drove through the darling little town of Miccosukee and then Metcalf where Liz Sparks and I go to lunch at Mary's Kitchen when we can find it open. Glen's been wanting to go there as he's never been so we stopped to see if Miss Mary was open but she was not. It's hit-or-miss at Mary's Kitchen. So on to Thomasville we drove. We passed plantation properties on our way that are as tended as formal gardens with huge houses down long driveways, set on hundreds of acres of land. I have no idea who the owners of these plantations are. Very, very rich people, obviously, but who? Some of the plantations are now mostly set up for hunting and they house and feed the very, very rich hunters in a sort of low-country elegance, and tend the land to best encourage whatever sort of game they are offering. At least they are decent stewards of those many acres.
There is so much money represented in that area. And of course, the other side of the coin is the poverty of those who work on those plantations or perhaps have jobs with the sawmill in Metcalf or at the post office or...I have no idea. But there are houses and trailers in the midst of all this wealth where folks who do not have fortunes live and there are homes in between the two, as well. Some of them quite old and lovely. Well taken care of, tidy, and obviously belonging to house-proud people. I love some of these.
I bought a jigsaw puzzle and ran out the door.
I hear and feel every single one of your thoughts of today. SHIT! I do! Not that this is a bad thing......but...it is reality. I would have bought the mouse on the tricycle......Loved it! But what I really want is that mango salsa and snapper!
ReplyDeleteSusan M
I do not need one more darling thing in this house! The fish and salsa were excellent.
DeleteI am thankful you can deal with your panic well enough to get home. That is the maximum required of any of us, though it is required. And in the meantime, you know the finest little stores to meander through!
ReplyDeleteI do know some nice stores. And I was fine once I got back on the road with my husband.
DeleteBut you are the person you are and that is enough, and fine indeed.
ReplyDeleteI just think I'm probably not a lot of fun to be around.
DeleteI love the tricycling mice. The panic, not so much. And the depression, not so much. It seems as if Mr moon is not impatient when this happens, that's great.
ReplyDeleteHe is so very patient. And I try so very hard not to burden him. But he knows me.
DeleteI hope that some of your angst is from being worn down by the relentless heat, and that your spirits will be buoyed when it (someday!!!) lifts. We're feeling heat-frazzled up here too, and we lack your humidity. For now - sticky, sweaty hugs.
ReplyDeleteChris from Boise
The heat has not helped! For sure. Right now it's 97 (5:30 in the afternoon) but the humidity is only 52% so we're not dying.
DeleteI'm catching up on your posts because I have been in the hospital this week! My first ride in an ambulance on Tuesday morning when I woke up with a pounding heart and lots of unpleasant symptoms. Turned out to be Afib and I just came home yesterday. Now I have been having some panic attacks when I wake up but I am doing deep breaths and checking my heart rate and blood pressure to make sure I am really okay. No fun but I am a little better each day. Had to spend my birthday in the hospital, Mary!
ReplyDeleteOh no! I hope you're better, Ellen!
DeleteOh, Ellen! This is terrible news! I'm so glad you're alright but what a horrible scary thing to happen. And on your birthday! Hank gets afib too and it scares him. Take care of yourself, honey.
DeleteI do hope you feel better soon but sometimes people like us need to just not go to certain places no matter how much fun they seem from the outside.
ReplyDeleteYeah. It's true.
DeleteI am so sorry you are feeling this way again, why do people, mostly social workers and doctors) feel the need to tell you to get out and meet people? Step out of your comfort zone? It's called a COMFORT zone for a reason! A good reason.
ReplyDeleteI really like the sound of that little shop with all the toys and stuff, (the mice on bikes!) I would have to stay in there until I'd seen every little thing.
Well, it sucks but it's not like I HAVE to go to shops or out among a lot of people. I can handle Publix and Costco and thank goodness for that.
DeleteThat show is one of those places where you need to go around twice, at least, to get your eyes focused in on things.
I would be proud as anything to own that beautiful house in the picture. The rich don't have anything that I want or envy!
ReplyDeleteIsn't it pretty? I imagine it's as tidy and sweet inside as it is out.
Deletei get that sort of anxiety when i am around too many people for too long of a time having to 'people' or be on my best behavior and filter myself (like at work). it's exhausting. nobody believes that i'm an introvert. leaving the house for me is torture at times, and bc of covid it's become so much easier to cocoon here if that makes any sense. when i have to be 'on' it exhausts me and being here or in nature is my reset. i hope you found some replenishment and peace on those side roads. xxalainaxx
ReplyDeleteOh, it makes perfect sense to me. Except for the fact that so many people got sick and died from covid, I was not unhappy at all to have a good reason to stay at home. And it's made it harder to go out, I think. We now know how little in the world we actually need. Some of us, at least. I am so sorry that work is such a struggle and I do get that thing about having to filter ourselves. The older I get, the worse I am at that.
DeleteWell, good for you for breaking the routine, as uncomfortable as it was to do. I never thought of that part of Georgia as particularly wealthy but I guess every area has its money. That house is very pretty (looks a lot like yours!) and the town looks quaint. I'm always up for a bit of exploratory shopping!
ReplyDeleteOh yeah. They have some extremely wealthy people there. Thomasville has become a sort of touristy place, not unlike Apalachicola. I used to go up there a long time ago just to shop for antiques but now they're all way too expensive. I got my dining room table that I've had since the seventies there.
Deletestop beating yourself up about being happy and comfortable at home. do, be what makes you feel good. that's all you need to do. though it is nice to get out for a nice pretty quiet drive. when I was running my errands Fri and Sat I tried to just go straight to what I needed and scoot out though I did get a bit overwhelmed in the first mega grocery store on Sat. it has clothes! lots of clothes and shoes and furniture. it's like a department store now.
ReplyDeleteWhoa, Ellen! What kind of a grocery store is that? Sounds like a Walmart or a Costco. Or the Chedraui in Cozumel. Which for some reason I love. Probably because it's in Cozumel, right?
DeleteI am pretty happy to just stay home most of the time but I feel like my husband gets so frustrated because I never want to do anything except for a few certain activities in a few certain locations. The list is growing smaller all the time.