I've had a mostly terrific day today. Since the temperature was a tiny bit lower than it has been, I decided to take a walk. Hurray for me! When I stepped outside though, the humidity almost knocked me over. I guess yesterday's rain was causing everything to steam and it felt very much like being in a sauna. Sauna's are great but you do not want to exercise in one. At least I don't. But I decided that I could indeed do this and it was somewhat overcast when I left the house so I struck out heading west towards the county line, planning to do a very slow one mile out and one mile back. Easy-peasy. No worries. Just don't pee by a trail cam.
Unfortunately, the clouds started dissipating and the shady stretches grew farther and fewer apart. But, we persevere, do we not? I made it to Leon County, turned around and headed back, cursing myself for deciding that this was a doable situation. By the time I'd made it to the Woman's Club building, I was ready to quit and call Mr. Moon to come and get me. However, the Woman's Club building is only about what might be a block from my house if, as I so often say, Lloyd had blocks, and that would be ridiculous. So on I trudged and I made it into our house and I got a bowl and filled it with water and ice and soaked hand towels in it that I wrapped around my neck and I washed my face over and over with that icy water and it did not take me long to recover.
I am so dramatic.
Last night I was reading an article about something called "Gray Rocking" which can help people deal with the narcissists in their lives and that's fine and good but I got to a part in the article about how narcissists do not always display the behaviors that we think of them as displaying. There are people who are overt narcissists but there is also a group of narcissists labeled as covert narcissists. Here is what the article said about them:
Covert narcissists behave differently. What they believe makes them special is how greatly they suffer. Often this will manifest as pulling you in to listen to their woes while completely ignoring your concerns, Malkin said.
Oh my god.
Is this me?
My wonderful therapist once asked me (and again- I know I have written about this before) why I feel such a need to suffer. And I have never been able to answer that question. I joke about it- I only feel like I can sit down and watch TV or read after I've done enough suffering for the day. I take walks because they fulfill my need for suffering. And then, and THEN, I write blog post after blog post about the suffering I have done whether it involves walking in the heat or working outside in the heat or being depressed or anxious or whatever and DO I DO THIS BECAUSE I AM A NARCISSIST?
So this is something I've been pondering all day and I've also been thinking about how so many religions elevate suffering to being a holy thing, to love Jesus because he suffered so much for people, to berate ourselves because we cause god to suffer due to our sins.
Supposedly Mother Teresa, holiest of holies, said this about suffering:
“Pain and suffering have come into your life, but remember pain, sorrow, suffering are but the kiss of Jesus - a sign that you have come so close to Him that He can kiss you.”
So. I opened my car door and this happened.
She got out and I told her, "Stay!" And then I drove home. She was so polite and so well-mannered. Also, her eyeliner was perfectly applied.