Every year I post a picture of the bridal wreath spirea and this year is no exception. I never get tired of its ridiculously small, perfect bouquets that come together to form a blossom. And I really do think that this version of the iPhone's capture of the bloom is the best I've ever gotten.
I hardly did a thing today except for the one thing I did do which was to survive. I woke up this morning with such an acute case of anxiety that I could barely function. I have not experienced anything this intense in a long time.
Hello, panic, my old friend!
I am not sure exactly what triggered it but the dreams I was having when I woke up had a lot to do with it, I'm sure. The main one was just another version of the I have children to take care of and my husband has left me dream. The most horrible thing about the dreams is that he does not show the slightest bit of remorse and shows no interest in having anything at all to do with me.
I am quite sure that this sparks my old terror of abandonment. First I was abandoned by my father and later on in my life, a boyfriend whom I had thought would love me forever...did not. I was young and stupid and a mess and was looking for love so desperately. I thought I had found it in him at the age of seventeen. I had a tiny little Spanish style cabana picked out that I wanted us to live in. Friends of ours had found themselves pregnant and got married and lived in a little apartment and I was deeply jealous of them.
Of course that didn't last and ironically, one of the women my boyfriend began seeing (naked) was the wife in that situation.
We all know this story.
And then my first husband did not comport himself well at all times, shall we say, and that left more scars on my heart, stripped more faith and trust from my soul.
Nothing unusual, really. But I suppose we all internalize and integrate things differently and between all of that and being sexually abused as a child by someone I was meant to love and trust, my doubts about anyone loving me until death do us part (and please god, let me depart before he does) are rather exaggerated.
As much as I love and trust this man I am married to, as much as I think he loves me, there is a part of me that has expected for over 38 years that one day he will come to me and say, "Well, that's it. I'm in love with...well, someone else."
Anyway, la-di-dah and I had to take a tiny Ativan this morning which did calm me some and I texted back and forth with a friend and that helped a lot because she knows. She knows. Oh, my god, does she know. But mostly I just did crossword puzzles and hung on. I couldn't even make our Sunday breakfast. Mr. Moon offered to take me out but quickly realized that that was not going to happen.
But I did make up a loaf of sourdough which will go into the oven soon. And took a picture of the spirea and also, one of my native buckeye which is putting forth its leaves and blooms.
"Hey buddy," he says. "Do you want to come in?"
"NO FUCKING WAY!" I say. Can you imagine what Maurice would do to us if we allowed another cat into the family? She would slice our throats as we slept with her scimitar claws and then she would rip out our guts with her saber-toothed cat fangs.
Or the other way around.
Or at least unscathed by either nightmare or ginger cat.
Being abandoned is my greatest fear too, so much so, that I push people away. I know it and I still do it. Messed up, I know.ReplyDelete
I've been depressed for the past week, or two, I don't know anymore. Both my parents died in February and I tend to blame that. Every day that I make it through is an accomplishment. I think about death a lot which of course you can't tell anyone if you suffer from depression because they would get all, OMG, she's going to commit suicide, which I'm not, I just think about leaving everything behind. It will pass. It always does.
Hope you have a better day tomorrow too.
I understand completely and yes, even the part about thinking of death. No, we do not want to die by suicide but the idea of just leaving it all behind can be comforting.Delete
I did have a better day today and I hope so much that you did too.
I am in therapy for anxiety, it can be so devastating. Dreams...the other night my husband (who died last June) 'came back' and I was so very happy and he looked so healthy, it was the first time he showed up in my dreams. When I woke up, I sobbed. Some days are shit for sure. I'm glad you have Mr. Moon, what a wonderful man.ReplyDelete
I can absolutely understand why that dream would undo you. I wish I had words to make you feel better but I know that I don't. I'm glad you're in therapy and I hope that helps. As much as anything can, at least.Delete
That kind of anxiety is so debilitating. But you know how to cope, after experiencing it a lot. It's not something that can be fixed by knowing why it happens, either. Pleasant sleep tonight, anyway.ReplyDelete
You are so right about that- knowing what causes it really does not help. As I always say, logic has nothing to do with any of it. We like to think it does but it does not.Delete
I'm glad you have Ativan for days like today. That cat is tugging at my heart strings all they up here in my frozen snowy world. But you are right that you can't have another cat. It would he a bloodbath all around.ReplyDelete
I wish you could take this cat! He's a male though, and unneutered so that would have to be done. I wonder how old he is.Delete
Thank god for drugs.ReplyDelete
I agree ... thank God for our anti-anxiety pills!ReplyDelete
That cat is beautiful! Look at that face and that mouth! I want that cat! I wish!
I hardly ever, ever, ever need an Ativan but I am so grateful to have one when I do.Delete
I wish you could have the cat too! You can arm-wrestle Jill for him.
breaks my heart to hear that at the worst of times, you have fears of Mr Moon abandoning you. Just..breaks...my....heart. But.....I *get* where that deep anxiety comes from. No words, just empathy. That Spirea is so beautiful....as is the visiting *hopeful* cat. We always call those cats *horse shoe head* because that is what those markings resemble.......I had one once..... *Stinky* may she RIP, horseshoe head!ReplyDelete
I'd never heard the term horseshoe head cat. He is a bit unusual, I think.Delete
Thank you for your empathy, Susan. I do appreciate that.
I saw this today and thought of you hope it helps a little x Jan Australia
Oh, I love that video! Those boys, listening to what they have created. It's lovely.Delete
Panic attacks are hard enough but when unwanted dreams trigger them that is most unfair. Even though you know the source (and you have more than your fair share) it doesn't take that awful sense of ick away. Yay for Ativan. The anti ick pill.ReplyDelete
Your new cat is very pretty. I love the markings on his/her head. How old is Maurice? Only joking. It's a shame you can't have the three happily cohabiting.
I don't really like taking Ativan. It makes me tired but I guess tired is better than panic. Well, I know it is.Delete
I'm not quite sure how old Maurice is. I can't believe she lets any ferals in the yard. He looks like he could tear her ass up though.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with anxiety like that. On the very rare occasions I've had anxiety I get a small glimpse into what it might be like so I feel for you! I do occasionally have nightmares about being chased and always carrying my youngest son with me (I know he's the more sensitive one). Bloody hell, doesn't your mind play games!ReplyDelete
Our minds do indeed play games. And it seems to me that I always have a child or two (or many) that I am caring for, protecting, worrying about. I doubt that will ever end.Delete
Ugh. Sorry about the anxiety. Maybe you should try that cat out with Maurice and see what happens? They might get along amazingly well! The piteous one has beautiful fur. -- Steve Reed (writing on a computer that will not let me log in)ReplyDelete
Well, Maurice is an indoor-outdoor cat so she has had a chance to meet and greet the boy. The way things work around here when it comes to taking in a new cat is that they have to finally work up the courage to come in and with both Jack and Maurice guarding the entrances, I don't think that will happen. That pretty fur would fly.Delete
a panic attack is something I've never had. I have had bouts of anxiety mostly associated with installation days back when. I've been dreaming a lot but they all vanish as soon as I open my eyes.ReplyDelete
I swear to you that sometimes my dreams are so vivid that later I can't remember if something happened in real life or dream life.Delete
I'm sorry you were feeling anxious but I am glad you know what to do to help yourself feel better. Wishing you a better day today...ReplyDelete
It has been.Delete
Glen is used to your ups and downs. After 38 years he should be. From everything you have ever said about him he will be beside you till the very end. I enlarged the picture of the cat and it seems to be a letter "H" on his head. It probably stands for Harrisburg Horizon - a now defunct professional basketball team that had hoped to lure Mr Moon out of retirement.ReplyDelete
Well, you are probably right about Glen. He is a good and honorable man. And he knows how much I love him.Delete
You could be right about the H on the cat's head. Mmmm...
That is the most beautiful cat!!! But not as beautiful in my heart as those pure, scrumptious flowers! After much tragedy and heartbreak as a small child, I don't think I have ever given my heart 100% since then except to my children. Not even to my spouse of over fifty years! And, I have never thought since that same young age, through all the ups and downs of life and relationships, that I could not make it on my own if the need arose to do so. As she sang, "I am woman, hear me roar."ReplyDelete
Some of us just never do rest easy, do we? And yet, here we are, living and loving the very, very best we can.Delete
Better living through chemistry, I’m a firm believer. That’s a pretty kitty! I do hope your dreams last night were better. Much love.ReplyDelete
Better living through chemistry indeed! I didn't even remember my dreams when I woke up so hurray!Delete
That's a pretty good looking cat, just noting that for no particular reason...ReplyDelete
He's a fairly fetching feline.Delete
Echoing Yorkshire Pudding, Glen loves you so much he will be there forever, but I don't have anything else to say that will help. I do love the spirea photo very much.ReplyDelete
Oh Mary, I know. Those dream vapors can cling, too. We are sisters in so many ways. I hope today is better for you.ReplyDelete