Saturday, March 6, 2021

Pancakes And Pondering. Possible Trigger Warning


After over a year, the Hartmann kids and their mama came over for pancakes. Owen had gotten his hair cut. He was tired of the tangles. 


It looks like Gibson was praying but he wasn't. We did say a grace of sorts as we all held hands. 


I said the grace and it went like this: "I am just so glad you are all here."

I made sweet potato/banana/apple pancakes with oat bran in them. They all said they'd missed my pancakes and Maggie said that I was the best chef. She was such a little lady at the table. I was proud of her. 

They didn't stay too long. Lily had to take them over to Jason's house to spend time with their dad. But I did get to read Maggie the book about the girl who thought she was a chicken and we did go collect the eggs. We found Pinto on the nest and Maggie said, "We need to be quiet. She is asleep." 
I guess we spoke too loudly because Pinto had a little freakout and flew frantically out of the hen house, the wind from her feathers brushing us as she went. But that was okay. She'd already laid her egg and there were two more in the nest beside it. Gracie was on the nest on the ground where they've been laying and we let her... sleep. 

After they left I finished Rachel's cake. I hope it's good. It's a sort of chocolate espresso cake with very creamy chocolate frosting. The candied violets were set on top and they looked ridiculous but after all the effort I went to to make them, I wasn't going to throw them out. They would taste like candied violets, at least. I wish I had asked Kathleen to show me how she made hers. They were perfect. 
Of course.

Mr. Moon left this afternoon to go down to the coast to help a friend of his screen in a porch. Or something like that. I think that screening is involved. And he's going to spend the night to help tomorrow, too, so I am alone, which is fine. I will probably go wild and eat a whole lot of the cauliflower I am going to make in a little while. I've made this recipe so much that I'm sort of ashamed to serve it to my husband but I still want to eat it myself. 

I took Rachel's cake to her along with a nice Swedish ivy and a polka dot begonia. Plants seem to be a big thing around here with my kids right now. I love that. Lily looked around the library today and said, "I'd have plants on every one of these shelves."
"It's too dark in here!" I said.
"I'd use grow lights!" She has plants all over her house right now. She admits it's become an obsession but it's not a bad obsession at all. 
After Hank, Rachel, and I had a little front porch chat, I went to Publix to get the few things on my list because...why not? Being vaccinated makes me feel not completely invulnerable but a whole lot safer. 

I wrote a few paragraphs last night about the Allen v. Farrow documentary series and ended up deleting all of it. I have so many thoughts about this whole...thing? As many of you may know, I was abused as a child and I am not ashamed or afraid to say that the experience of that has colored my entire life. I had therapy, I went to groups, I have read and talked and listened and gone through hell and back and at the age of sixty-six I am able to live my life in a mostly normal way, if "normal" can even be defined. But I am functional. I've always been functional. But there will never be a moment in my life when my actions and thoughts are not affected by what happened to me as a child. And mostly not in a good way although I know I have strengths which I would not have if these things had not happened. 
I would, however, gladly live without those strengths if I had the choice. 

It does not specifically trigger me to watch or read about childhood sexual abuse. It's sort of like speaking with someone who has recently lost a loved one and being afraid to bring that person up in conversation for fear it will bring on the sad feelings and memories. Those people are already filled with those feelings and memories and to hear their beloved's name spoken is not going to add to the grief. There is never a moment in my life when I am not aware that this was a thing that happened to me and in fact, listening to other people's stories can be most helpful as I see that we can survive, that I am not by any means the only person who went through these experiences, to see the similarities in all of our stories, to know that others struggle throughout their lives. 
What does trigger me is when women come forward with their stories of sexual predation on any level and are not believed. The Cosby accusers' stories, the many, many women's and girls' testimony about Larry Nassar's abuse of them when they were in gymnastics, and every case that came out about Trump abusing women- all of these made me ill, threw me into a spate of depression and anxiety- but I think the reason was that it was always the fact that for a long time at least, it was the men who were believed. Or who got away with it. 
Especially men with power and men who were beloved and admired. People want to think that pedophiles look and act a certain way. That we know what one should look like. We teach children about "stranger-danger". We tell ourselves that men in our own families who show an inordinate amount of affection for our children simply love kids and would never, ever hurt them. That family friends, teachers, coaches, youth ministers, pastors, priests, doctors, would never, could never be abusers. 
That someone like Woody Allen, a most respected American film maker and actor, a man in a long-term relationship with one of the most beautiful and respected women in the world, could not possibly have done what he was accused of even though he was all but observed abusing his adopted seven-year old daughter, even though his movies were full of middle-aged men in relationships with young girls, even though he was absolutely and without a doubt in a secret sexual relationship with another child, this one teenaged, who was also the adopted daughter of his long time muse and partner. 

And yet. Here he is, all these years later, free as a bird, still proclaiming his innocence, still making movies, still defended by friends and admirers, women and men alike. 

That's all I have to say about this tonight. There will be more. 

Meanwhile, Mr. Moon just called and said he's heading home. The screening job has been postponed for lack of proper materials. He said he'll stop and get his supper at a barbecue joint on his way but I'll still be glad to share my cauliflower if he wants some. And I'll be so glad to share the bed with him, even if Jack is disappointed. 

Love...Ms. Moon


22 comments:

  1. What a lovely milestone in this surreal time! Lily’s not the only one with a plant obsession.
    I’d say you’re doing “normal” better than most, you know what’s truly important. I think you’re an incredibly strong woman and I’m so sorry for what you suffered.
    Xoxo
    Barbara

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No need to feel sorry for me, Barbara, but thank you. What happened to me has happened to millions of others. Millions and millions. It is an affliction that has plagued the human race forever, I fear.

      Delete
  2. Good to see those children around your table again. So grown up!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I too am sickened when women are not believed. Like Anita Hill, for instance. I saw a program where Woody Allen was presented some kind of honor by Diane Keaton and all he did was make fun of her and put her down. And she defended him. He is a true misogynist.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. God BLESS Anita Hill. I remember that whole thing like it was yesterday.
      Keaton has been one of Allen's staunchest supporters and I do not understand that. You're right- Allen is a true misogynist AND a pedophile. It is quite possible to be both. And has anyone in the history of the universe had more therapy than he has?

      Delete
  4. I share and completely understand your feelings about the children and women who are not believed. I am 67 now and I have wondered recently if my life would have been somewhat different if I had been listened to as a child. I found myself unable to watch the Woody Allen/Netfliks thing.
    I was glad to see that you were able to make pancakes for the grandchildren!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Somewhat different? Probably entirely. And I can understand not being able to watch the doc. Perhaps there is part of me which revels in this latest revealing of his true nature. If it does Dylan Farrow any good, it will have been worth it.
      It was so nice to have the kids over for pancakes. So nice.

      Delete
  5. There is so much pain in this world, so many lies, so much suffering, it's amazing any of us get up each day and carry on. I can't imagine going through what you went through. I'm guessing I would have ended up as a serial killer, or at the very least, a serial castrator.

    Why are women not believed? Not just about sexual abuse but so many things. Why are our needs swept under the rug? Belittled? Why don't we matter? Women bring new life into this world. We raise our children as best we can, with or without help. And the things we do are made smaller. It's women's work. Imagine if women's work didn't get done. This planet would grind to a halt. We matter dammit!

    Sending hugs and love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree with you 100%. Listen to the podcast Breaking Down Patriarchy and you'll get a few answers to your questions. It has truly opened my eyes.

      Delete
  6. so good to see Lily and her crew around the Moon pancake table.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am glad for the pancake visit! Some semblance of normalcy returning to the world!

    I don't know if I could watch that Woody Allen documentary. I used to LOVE his movies and yearn for that sophisticated New York life he portrayed, and then to find out about this dark side of his personality was just crushing. (Same with Cosby.) Although, as you said, it's not like with Allen it was a total surprise -- some of his movies featured those relationships as part of the plot. "Manhattan" used to be one of my favorite movies, and now I just find it so, so disturbing. It's impossible to believe it was ever OK!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes. Some normalcy and a maple-syrup sweet normalcy for me.
      I could not agree with you more about "Manhattan." It was like he was shining a spotlight on himself. And get this- Allen DID have a relationship with a very, very young girl which had not been revealed until this doc came out. WITH the knowledge of her parents. And why did people think that "Manhattan" was okay? The yuck factor is unbelievable. It makes me feel ill just to think about Mariel Hemingway filming those scenes at the age of sixteen.

      Delete
  8. Woody Allen always gave me the creeps anyway, but I'm going to watch that series. We had a very popular DJ in the UK when I was growing up called Jimmy Saville. I hated him too but he seemingly "walked on water" because he raised thousands (if not millions) of £££ for Stoke Mandeville Hospital. All through the years people knew what was going on - that he was abusing disabled people in the hospital, and also sexual abuse outside of the hospital but they never spoke up because of the £££. When that worm finally died he was buried with honours - and then people started to listen to those young voices and he was FINALLY found guilty - but posthumously! They dug his body up and re-buried (or cremated) it somewhere anonymously (hopefully near a sewage plant), but that bastard got away with so much for so long because of the money!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have read about Jimmy Saville and the horrors that came out about him after his death. And yes- people had to know. So, so sickening.

      Delete
  9. How lovely that you got to spend proper time with Owen, Gibson and Magnolia at long last. I find it hard to even begin to imagine what it is like to carry the memory of suffering abuse as a child into one's adult life. We have had a few high profile cases of child abuse in Britain - perpetrated by leading figures in our entertainment industry. The two biggest names that spring to mind are Jimmy Savile and Rolf Harris. Sadly, Savile's vile behaviour was not unearthed until after his death. He was even given a knighthood for his services to charities.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wonder what the statistics are on men (and the occasional woman) who get away with child sexual abuse? I would say in the high ninety percent. At least. There are so many reasons people turn a blind eye and in my opinion, they are as guilty as the perpetrator. If there is any purpose to this life, it has to be to protect our young.
      And it was very, very lovely to have the Hartmanns over for brunch. The table felt just right.

      Delete
  10. I got to spend time with 4 of my grandchildren yesterday and it certainly was terrific! I needed a nap today tho! Glad you had pancake time with yours!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I could be an anti-pedo vigilante. I really could. Love you Ms. Moon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I love YOU, Ajax! Thank you for coming by. You are missed.

      Delete

Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.