My old enemy, anxiety, has shown up today. From whence it comes, I do not know. It just arrives, unannounced, no precipitating event as far as I can tell.
"Here I am," it says, taking off its sweater. "Let's get a little torture going here. You look entirely too complacent."
Or so it seems, anyway.
I had a good, lovely walk this morning, three miles, not too fast but the sky overhead was blue as cobalt's dream of itself, crisscrossed by contrails. I stopped and chatted with Miss Iola who had the stomach flu too, and is still experiencing the aching misery in the back and leg muscles. But she had hung her clothes on the line and said she was trying to move around, do a little raking, trying to chase it away. And when I got home I went and worked in the garden again for a good hour or so, my progress slow but pleasant and then I moved a few iron plants to a bed in front of my bathroom, a little shovel work, and somehow, during all of this, the anxiety was niggling its way back and then somehow it was full-blown, okay, maybe only a five on a scale of 1-10, or maybe not even that much but enough for me to have to talk to myself about it all. To accept that I was feeling it, to try and use logic on it which never works, but one must try, at least. I have found that there is nothing in this world logical about anxiety and since it is the same mind which holds it that is trying to talk itself out of having it, it is sort of a fool's errand.
But. It doesn't hurt to acknowledge it. To realize that the sky is probably not falling, even if everything within me is insisting that it is indeed falling and to...do something. What?
One never knows. At least not me.
I tried lying down for a little nap. Sometimes it's as if I can reboot the brain but today's attempt at that did not work. I slept for a little while but awoke in the same state of mind and it was hard to uncurl from my fetal position and get out of the bed but I did and here I am. Here I am. Here I am.
It's so hard to explain anxiety. As with the word "depression" the label doesn't begin to actually describe the situation. It's more like a low-level (or a high level when it's really bad) of panic than what I personally think of anxiety as being. That fight-or-flight feeling, the gut's reaction, the overwhelming sense that something is very, very wrong despite all evidence to the contrary. The feeling that everything I have done in my life is for naught and will lead to only bad ends, that it is all a false dream, I am nothing more than a fake, a pretender, a Very Good Actress whose skills are failing her, at last.
And so forth.
Ah, it's a most uncomfortable thing. I am drinking some teas that are supposed to help you sleep- Valarian and that sort of thing. I think about the article I read on Salon where a guy talked about drinking poppy-seed tea. That was his gate-way drug to heroin use (it was a painful story) and I sort of wish I had a good, hefty stash of poppy seeds although I really do not care to move on down that particular road to having to go to NYC and score heroin after the poppy seeds begin to fail which is what he did.
So I drink my tea and I will heat up leftovers for our supper and watch some TV and read and take a shower and do all the normal things and hopefully, this is just a little visit. A pitstop for anxiety on its way to somewhere else. Back to hell from where it comes, would be my wish but I have no control over that.
And no, we did not go to Dog Island. Again. Mr. Moon thought until the last minute that he might be making the trip to auction but he did not and so here we are and I have plenty to do this week.
So it's okay. It's all okay. And this is nothing, just a little thing, a small disturbance in the gut, the mind, it makes the thoughts race, the blood simmer with the tiny bubbles of fizzy worry but I have experience here and I know that this is not The Big Deal, which of course is what I fear when anxiety shows up and takes off its sweater. Being anxious about anxiety is ridiculous but there you go.
I don't think I've ever used that word before but now I have.
Peace, y'all. Peace.