Ask Ms. Moon

Dear Ms. Moon,
I thought you were going to be out of blogging commission while your MacBook was in the shop. What's the deal?
Wondering

Dear Wondering,
I'm too freaked out at the thought of being without it for days on end and so am just using it plugged in all the time. I may require therapy for this problem. Not for the MacBook, but for myself.
Thanks for paying attention,
Ms. Moon
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Dear Ms. Moon,
Speaking of therapy, how is yours going?
Curious

Dear Curious,
I believe I am about to terminate by phone. Although I am sure that my therapist is fine and effective, I am having a hard time relating to her. She dresses too well and her beauty freaks me out. Plus, she's always mentioning her girlfriends and I am jealous beyond belief that I am not one of them.
I hope that answers your question.
Ms. Moon

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Dear Ms. Moon,
What does all that pink, plastic crap they sell have to do with breast cancer?
Confused.

Dear Confused,
I think all that pink, plastic crap they sell causes breast cancer.
Ms. Moon

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Dear Ms. Moon,
What are you reading right now?
Your sister in literature,
Bookaphile

Dear Bookaphile,
At the moment I am reading a Francine Prose novel called Primitive People, and listening to that old classic by Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger In A Strange Land on tape.
Not at the exact same moment, I assure you.
Ms. Moon

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Dear Ms. Moon,
Haven't you read SIASL before?
Bookaphile

Dear Bookaphile,
Many times. I have always said there were two kinds of hippies: Lord of The Ring hippies and Stranger In A Strange Land hippies. I was one of the latter.
Ms. Moon

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Dear Ms. Moon,
Doesn't the sexism in Stranger In A Strange Land disturb you?
Bookaphile

Dear Bookaphile,
Not as much as the fact that the first ten times I read it I didn't even realize it WAS sexist.
Phew.
Ms. Moon

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Dear Ms. Moon,
Then why are you taking the time to listen to it in its entirety?
BP

Dear BP,
All the hot, hot, hot Martian/Terran sex, of course!
Ms. Moon

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Dear Ms. Moon,
My boyfriend keeps telling me that he's not good enough for me. What does this really mean?
In Love

Dear In Love,
It means he's not good enough for you.
Ms. Moon

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Dear Ms. Moon,
Why are you so passionate about gay rights and the legalization of gay marriage?
Unsure

Dear Unsure,
Let me assure you that my passion stems from nothing more than selfishness. Were Mr. Moon ever to leave me, I might decide to give up men forever and I do know some mighty swell women. I'm a gal that likes to keep her options open.
See what I'm saying here?
Ms. Moon

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Dear Ms. Moon,
Does this mean you believe people can choose to be gay or not?
Indignant

Dear Indignant,
Not at all. I am saying we should all be able to legally marry the person we love, no matter what sex that person happens to be.
Ms. Moon

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Dear Ms. Moon,
What's the deal with religion?
Searching

Dear Searching,
Fuck if I know. I can completely understand the human need to seek answers to life's greatest questions such as, "Where do we come from?" and "Where do we go when we die?" and "Why do babies' necks smell so damn good?"
Religion, as I see it, is an attempt at answering these and similar questions. However, my problem with religion arises when they start making rules saying things such as a male child's foreskin must be cut off when he is eight days old or he can't go to heaven. Or, you must wear sacred underwear to enjoy eternal life. Or, god frowns on dancing and stylish hairdos and they are forbidden.
And so forth.
And it's not so much that I don't understand why these rules were made up in the first place. I can just hear the priests of old sitting around, chewing the fat, drinking some wine, smoking some weed and saying things like,
"Hey! Let's tell them that if they have sex with their wives when they're on the rag, it's an abomination!"
"Cool! What's an abomination?"
"I'm not sure, but I think it's really, really bad."

No. What I don't understand is why humans would not only believe this shit, but go to war to defend it and try to make others believe it too.
Thanks for asking.
Ms. Moon

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Dear Ms. Moon,
What's the secret to a happy marriage?
Bride-To-Be

Dear Bride-To-Be,
Biscuits.
And sometimes beer.
Oh wait. That's the secret to MY happy marriage.
As to anyone else's, I have no clue.
Good-luck,
Ms. Moon

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Dear Ms. Moon,
Didn't you just make up all these questions yourself?
Skeptical

Dear Skeptical,
Yes. But only because no one else had the decency to ask them.

Love...Ms. Moon