Monday, June 2, 2008

I'm Talking About Menopause Again So Skip This One


Damn. It's hot. All of a sudden, it is very, very hot. And to my huge dismay, the hot flashes that I've been having for ten years and which have seemed milder and less frequent over the past few cooler months have come back in force, reminding me all too well that I am a post-menopausal woman fighting with every breath she has to maintain some semblance of mental health and well being.
However, I am discovering that like the war on terror, the battle against aging is not one that can ever be realistically won.
I went to a web site the other day that purported to give holistic advice about fighting the symptoms of menopause. The advice was hardly groundbreaking or earthshaking, but more along the lines of: eat more flax and salmon, take vitamins, ingest more soy, and oh yes- EXERCISE!
I wanted to throw the website through the metaphorical window (or, to be more accurate, throw whoever wrote that crap through a real window) because I already do all that shit and it's not working. Do you hear me? It is not working.
And I'm cranky. And I'm annoyed. And I'm hot. And I'm feeling useless and bitchy and as whiny as a toddler needing a nap, which is exactly what I look like in my linen (absorbent for the hot flash sweat) overalls (the only garment that really fits me these days). A really, really old toddler.
Good look, right?
Actually right now I'm wearing men's cargo shorts and a tank top. Another good look.
Do I even own a real woman's garment?
Probably. But it doesn't fit.
Yeah, yeah. I've covered this ground before but let me tell you something- people are not talking about menopause the way they should be. I haven't seen the new Sex and the City movie but I'd bet the ranch they aren't discussing hot flashes in that movie. For one thing, those women would not be wearing those clothes if they were having hot flashes. For another, those women are not real women. They're pretty, pretty dolls who resemble women in the way that women who are created and given things to say by gay men are women.
Don't get me wrong. I can't wait to see the movie. I personally love Carrie and Samantha and Charlotte and Miranda, too. Honestly. I love them from the tip-top of their non-graying heads to the bottom of their Manolo Blahniks but they're not real women.
Because if they were, at least one of them would be in perimenopause by this point and having hot flashes out the yang.
But hot flashes aren't sexy. Not in any way.
And menopause isn't either. Just the word makes you think of things you'd really rather not, doesn't it?
Let's do a little word association here.
Okay. When you hear the word "menopause" what do you think of?
I'll go first.
Old age. Bitterness. The end of fun. The end of sleep. Sweat. Fat. Time For Botox. Time For Husband To Look For Younger Wife. Caftans. Muu-muu's. Ugly shoes. Crone, hag, old, bag.
Now- your turn!
Bet you didn't say sexy, powerful, cute, juicy, go-go boots, or a barrel full of fun! now, did you?
No. You did not.
There is sort of a baby-boomer-invented attitude about menopause I've noticed lately that supposedly celebrates this part of aging and I guess that's a positive thing but it's just so lame. And it has this girly-winky-jokiness about it that I am not personally feeling in the least. Let me just say right now that I don't wear red hats and go to lunch with women wearing purple. I do not call hot-flashes power surges and I want to smack people who do. Hard. And I do not believe that fifty is the new thirty. Not in any way, shape, or form. I also do not think it's cool for women over the age of fifty to go to third world countries and "date" much, much, much younger men.
Have some fucking dignity here, women! Please!
And I don't want to take hormones. Hormones got me in enough trouble in my youth. Not that the lack of them is doing me any favors, but what's the point in trying to artificially create a situation that's over and dead? This may be a ignorant and wrong-thinking attitude but it's the one I have.
So here's how I'm handling the situation:
I'm putting on my overalls and doing as much yard work as I can stand in the heat. I will continue to walk and do yoga and lift weights. I sleep with the AC on low, plus a fan at my head and one at my feet. I will continue to eat flax, salmon, and soy and take my damn vitamins. They may not be working but at least I feel like I'm doing something.
And last but not least, I'm growing ever crankier, bitchier and meaner by the second and I'm finding I have less and less tolerance for bullshit with every hot flash I experience. And that is fine with me.
And I'm not pretending it's not happening and I'm not pretending it's all groovy.
Because it's not.
But by god, I want to be one of those tough old biddies that makes it through "the change" with at least a little bit of muscle tone, a lot of grit, and a good-looking yard.
And a husband, too, but that's another blog for another day.
And if they ever do a sequel to the Sex and The City movie, I'm going to see if I can help write the screenplay. Because if anyone could look good in linen overalls, it would be Carrie Bradshaw.
Damn her.

7 comments:

  1. When I think of 'post-menopausal' I think of wearing white pants & capris, (I gave up shorts years ago) in the summer. Since I had fibroid tumors and such a hard peri-menopause, I couldn't wear white for years, 2-3 days a month I couldn't last an hour without changing a tampon (for about the last 5 years that I got periods). Yeah, I still get hot flashes - it's June, they do seem worse than usual. Buy yourself something white and say Thank God!

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  2. Well, I had no problems like that and I can't wear white for ten minutes without spilling something on it (usually coffee) so white holds no charm for me.
    I totally understand why it does for you, though, MOB! Glad you lived through that!
    Don't women just have all the damn fun?

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  3. I thought at menopause, minus those hormones, I'd feel like the "me" at age 10. I had counted on it! I had NOT counted on anxiety and mild depression. No, I had NOT planned that part.

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  4. Shoot. I was probably clinically depressed at the age of ten, so I guess I'm doing okay.
    Nothing ever turns out like you think it will, does it? Sometimes that's good. Sometimes, not so much.

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  5. Lopo - minus the hormones, the old body isn't 10 anymore! Those useless apendages that grew on my chest and are now quite droopy weren't there at 10. And the energy I had at 10 got used up in the past 47 years. They say youth is waste on the young.
    MYS

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  6. And so many youth spend so much time wasted.
    Ha! I just had to say that. Sorry.

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  7. Oh Ms. Moon, how did i miss this archive post? I too have looked around for the truth about menopause, astonished at the reality. You said everything in my head about this phase of my life, my body, my state of mind, perfectly. I don't even need to cover this topic anymore, just link to this post.

    Your eloquence and economy of word are matched only by your distinct, honest voice.

    Was that too gushy? It's the damn hormones, but I mean every word of it and am so glad your posts are out there, like little sanity life lines to hold on to.

    (wearing sweat pants and t shirt, when not in cargo pants and tank top - I have to pee too much for bibs, I'd wet my pants!)

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