Friday, April 4, 2008

How To Get An Ass Like Jennifer Lopez's


So yesterday evening the husband got home with a huge bag of dog food for our huge pack of dogs and he brought his gym bag and lunch box (yes, Ms. Moon packs a lunch for her man every day) up to the kitchen porch, then went back to the car to get the dog food which he proceeded to take in via the back porch.
I went out to pick up the lunch box and gym bag to bring inside, being the good wife that I am, and somehow, in reaching for the gym bag (which must have not only rocks in it but perhaps fetal elephants), I lost my grip and tumbled backwards, landing on my ass against the bottom wooden frame of the screen door.
I'm still not exactly sure how this happened as I am no wuss, no lightweight, no Olive Oyl-armed lady. I lift weights. Not huge weights, but still.
And as I was falling, I had enough time to think, "This is so absurd. How is this happening?" which is the human response to falling prey to gravity (no pun intended), which we occasionally do.
I made a huge thump as I landed, startling the dogs into silence but of course the man heard nothing because he was in another part of the house and also his hearing is not what it used to be. You try working in a tire shop for half your life- see how much you can hear after the age of fifty.
Anyway, I sat there for a second, doing that thing where you check your bod to see what's broken or bleeding and I was happy to find that nothing seemed to be, although I knew I'd given the old ass a good whack. I got up, moaning a bit and feeling sorry for myself as well as embarrassed although no one but the dogs had witnessed my fall, grabbed the gym bag and lunch bag and hobbled inside.
In the next hour my usually flat butt became a thing of wonder, and all I could think of was that half of my ass looked much like Jennifer Lopez's celebrated and glorious bottom, although of course mine was turning colors that we really don't like to see on our own bodies and I would certainly never wish on Jennifer.
I iced and went on with the business of making supper (focaccia with tomatoes and basil) and was in very little pain. Somehow I managed not to twist anything as I came down and for that and the fact that I landed on my ass and not my tailbone I am most grateful.
There is no moral to this story. I wasn't drinking, I wasn't doing something crazy, I was simply trying to get the gym bag in the house which I would not have had to do if it hadn't been for the dog food and so I am going to blame the dogs.
Why not?
The swelling has gone down today and hopefully, by the wedding it will all be gone but if it's not, I certainly know which is my best side- the right side of my backside, to be precise- and that is the side I will turn to the camera when it is necessary to be photographed.
Dolly Parton has a new song out called Jesus and Gravity and I am now wondering if that cute little ass of hers has more to do with Jesus or gravity although I am thinking that in her case it has more to do with modern surgery, but that's a matter for another day's discussion.

12 comments:

  1. Get real, girl - no one, with the possible exception of the father-of-the-bride, looks at the mother-of-the-bride's ass!

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  2. Dolly claims she's had nothing added but everything lifted.

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  3. I am counting on the fact that no one will notice I'm not wearing shoes, either.
    Seriously though, if the swelling is as bad for the wedding as it is now, people WILL be staring at my ass. And pointing. And wondering if I only had the money to get half of it "done."

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  4. You're right. I do feel better. I think yesterday was that kind of day for a lot of us.

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  5. How do you cook and ice at the same time? Tight drawers?

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  6. New Reader -

    You are hysterical! Thanks for posting this, so funny! Hope you heal up quickly!

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  7. Thank you, Ms. ajandmac. Please, come around any time you please.
    And I am sure I will heal up within a reasonable time, although it is sort of interesting, having at least half an ass for the first time in my white-girl life.

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  8. If the swelling hasn't gone down by next week, you have to duplicate the injury, but on the other side, so that swells up and both sides match!

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  9. You know, that thought has crossed my mind more than once.
    Adventures In Body Altering! Without a Surgeon!

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  10. This is riotous! You could make anything sound interesting. What a gift. Thanks...

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