Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Four Days and Counting: Goodness Gracious (Not Me)


All right. We knew it had to happen. Last night something inside my brain cracked open letting out all sorts of toxic poisons, which, until then, had been safely encapsulated like some virus in a shiny shell, just biding its time for the perfect moment in the perfect host to shatter and go forth and multiply in evil.
Can't you tell just from that paragraph how far over the line I've gone?
I've lost my sense of humor about it all.
Okay- Here's a secret:
When Lily started planning this wedding sometime last year, I had harbored the dream that a comet would hit the earth before the actual event, killing off all lifeforms and thus preventing me from having to do things like put Jordan almonds in tulle bags.
Yeah, well, dreams don't always come true.
And it's time to put the Jordan almonds in the the tulle bags.
This is not the kind of mothering I'm good at. It's not the sort of womaning I'm good at. I know womaning is not a word. I don't care.
Given a choice between planning a wedding and digging a drain field I would say, "Let me go find my shovel."
My friend Lis who is coming over today keeps saying, "Oh! This is going to be so much fun!"
This is the same woman who can't believe I don't have a pastry bag and piping tips to make deviled eggs with.
I am not that kind of woman.
I am the kind of woman who can cook over an open fire. I am the kind of woman who can dig a drain field. I am the kind of woman who can receive a placenta in a bowl and examine it for missing parts. I am the kind of mother who can breastfeed and cook dinner over an open fire at the same time and then receive a placenta into a bowl and check it for missing parts. Right after I dig the drain field.
But planning and executing a wedding?
Not so much.
I keep saying that no matter how the wedding goes, the bottom line is that Lily and Jason are going to end up being married, which is the whole purpose of all this tulle and almond-wrapping and shoe-hunting. So when she called me yesterday and said that they'd forgotten to go get a marriage license, something within me died.
They still have time. They'll get it today and when they say their "I-do's" on Sunday, they will be well and legally wed. However, there is a three-day waiting period in Florida after the license is purchased, which means that they have really pushed the envelope on that one.
Do you know what that would have meant? If they really hadn't remembered in time? It would have meant that this whole thing was nothing but an exercise in some sort of tulle-wrapped illusion.
It's all going to be okay, even if the almonds don't get wrapped. Or even if they do and we forget to take them. Even if I'm barefoot at the wedding. Even if I'm barefoot and my toenails aren't painted a pretty shade of peach to match my dress.
Even if I have to walk around the reception, barefooted, with my toenails untended and bearing a clashing shade of red on only two toenails because I haven't painted them in at least three months and have to pass out the almonds directly from the box to each and every guest.
It'll be okay. I swear.
Right? Right?
As long as they get married and live happily ever after. In which case, it will have all been worth it.
Are you listening Lily?
Happily ever after.
I mean it.

10 comments:

  1. I just snip the end of a zip-lock bag and presto! piping bag.

    I know, that's not the issue here.

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  4. Spammers! Spammers! Kill them before they reproduce!

    Hey mama, by next week it'll be over one way or the other, and Lily will be married, and Jason will be your son-in-law, and ain't that a really good thing?

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  5. :) I loved your 'I am the kind of woman...' paragraph.

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  6. Juancho- yep. That's what I'd do too but that wouldn't be all flourishy and stuff. Some people are food artists and some people are not.
    I am not. I appreciate those who are, though. I do.

    DTG- I've killed the spammers.
    And yes, it will be a glorious thing when the happy couple are well and truly wed and the tuxes and chairs are returned.

    Nicol-thanks! That sort of cracked me up, too.

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  7. Whenever I have a party, I make it a point to start drinking very early. It's prevents stress, gives the relatives something gossip about, and it's a great excuse for why things weren't perfect!
    W.B.

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  8. Oh believe me- the drinking for this party has already begun.

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  9. It will all come together and be beautiful! I think your daughter knew what she was getting in the mother/wedding planner department and fortunately does not sound like my daughter, who became a Bridezilla. You need to relax!

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  10. OH my goodness..go barefoot! tulle? Go out and get some paisley...tie dye, she won't even notice. Hey- Woman...( I'm that kind of woman, too) it's gonna fall into place and a woman who can breast feed, skin an buffalo, and and dig a trench can certainly whip out a wedding. Maybe the next one will do what one of mine did, surpise afternoon picnic/wedding. BEST of LUCK- Have a drink on all of us. XO

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