I Can't Begin To Understand Any Of This

I slept many, many hours last night and woke up feeling the better for it. There was no crying, there were no thoughts of my personal plan for end of life care involving heroin addiction. I felt, if not great, then at least sort of okay. Another completely gorgeous day, cool and brisk in the morning which of course is not when I took my walk but I did take one. There was a Jefferson County Sheriff in his car, slightly hidden in the yard of the Holy Ghost Revival Center, shooting radar and as I walked by, he rolled down his window. I think he was bored and wanted to chat. He was so friendly. We agreed that people can really get up to amazing speeds in the very short distance between the flashing red light at the corner and the church. In forty-five minutes he'd already made three stops. And he told me that if someone's going a few miles over the limit, he just lets them go. He was a reasonable man. His handcuffs were hanging right there by the window, to the left of his steering wheel and I found him to be very friendly, intelligent, and someone I'd gladly have a beer with. 
"Enjoy your walk!" he said as I got back on my way. I took a picture of the roses you see in the picture at top. There are many bushes of them along a fence and with the sun warming them, they filled the air with their sweet scent. 
Rather heavenly, really. 

And here's what I did not know- just as the sheriff and I were having our little visit, there was a twenty-year old FSU student whose mother was a Tallahassee sheriff's deputy, who had taken an old service revolver of hers which she legally owned, driven to campus in his Hummer, parked right by the Student Union, got out of the vehicle and began shooting. 

I had no idea. None. Until I got group text from Lily at 12:47 asking Rachel if she was at FSU and asking if there was something going on there. Rachel replied that she was not, but there was a report of an active shooter. 

What the fucking hell?

I got home and started watching live local news online and there had indeed been an active shooter and the campus was still on lockdown and details were slow to come trickling out. They were showing film from the main road by the Student Union at FSU and there were an unbelievable number of law enforcement vehicles lined up and down Mahan Drive. Tallahassee Police Department, Leon County Sheriff's Department, Florida Highway Patrol, and even the Florida Wildlife trucks were called in. And a SWAT team. I hear that federal agents were involved too. There were firetrucks and ambulances. It had been reported that ambulances had already taken at least four people to the hospital. 

And now we know what it feels like to have one of those horrible tragedies happen in our own backyard. I can't even tell you how many hours I spent in the FSU Student Union with my best friends and fellow students when I was in nursing school, discussing the world's problems, last night's date, and our upcoming tests over lunch. 

There actually was a previous shooting at FSU ten years ago. A guy shot a couple of people in the library one night. In that case, there were no deaths, although two people were wounded and it was shocking and sobering. 

And here we are. I think a shotgun was also used. Rumors were and are rampant but it would seem at this time that there were two fatalities, six wounded, and the shooter himself was shot. But survived. He was described by witnesses as driving a Hummer, looking like a "regular college dude," white, with light hair. According to some reports, he had written anti-Trump messages on social media. 
The governor asked everyone to pray for the victims. So did a lot of other people. This infuriates me. 

Everyone always wants to know why the shooter did it. What triggered such an inhuman response? 
You know what I think? I think it's pure insanity. And some sort of rage that may have never been revealed before, fueled by something that might even appear to be innocuous but for some reason took on such weight and power in a young man's brain that the only release seemed to be to kill. 
Kill people who had nothing whatsoever to do with it. 

And of course I have no more idea of how this happens than anyone in the world. 

I hear that both of the victims who died were not FSU students but I doubt that the shooter even registered this. I could, of course, be wrong. 

And we will be picking apart and parsing the facts that will be revealed and chasing theories and conspiracies and blaming the mother and probably Donald Trump Derangement Syndrome, while the one absolutely irrefutable fact, which is that without guns a shooter can't shoot people, will be ignored and belittled by the lawmakers who absolutely could help to make guns less available but will not. Will not even consider it. But boy, oh boy, will they be sending their prayers.

And these words I've just written? 
They're as useless as those prayers sent up to their Sky Daddy.

I will say this. My heart is so heavy for the families of all the victims. My heart hurts for the students who were terrorized and traumatized. And yes- my heart goes out to the Sheriff's Deputy who is the shooter's mother because I know without a doubt that she will no more ever recover from this than the the mothers whose children her son murdered. 
I have not heard one word about the shooter's father. Perhaps that will come out eventually. 

Yeah, well. So much for my mood elevation today. 

Still, there is beauty.

The inner sanctum of another Ashe magnolia bloom. 

The incredible perfection of the unfurling of a petal. 

And even still, as life on this earth can be unbelievably beautiful, as roses can perfume the air for days, as babies are being born in a hospital to parents who want nothing more than a perfect life for the perfect child they have created with their love, a man who took up a gun and senselessly shot six people and killed two others can be on an operating table while surgeons and assistants do everything within their power to save his life because that is what they do and that is what they must do. 

I do not understand how this all works. 

I never will. 

Love...Ms. Moon