So. Ms. Moon- is food all you think about?
Thanks for asking. Yep. Pretty much that's it. Growing it, shopping for it, cooking it, eating it, cleaning up after I cook it and we eat it. Sometimes canning or freezing or preserving it.
Today was all about making eight more pints of pickled beans. It's such a messy operation. Well, not that bad. Beans aren't nearly as messy as say, fruit. But I manage to create chaos on the kitchen island. I took that picture when the jars were in the canner. Those beans lying between the cutting board and my compost pot were the ones that were too big and tough for pickling.
It was storming off and on this morning which is why I decided to do an indoor project. What I honestly wanted to do was to sit on the couch and watch something on the TV and do some more mending and patching on my favorite shirt which has become a sort of wabi-sabi art project. But damn- those beans in the refrigerator were yelling at me to do something with them and trust me- I still have plenty left and there are so many more that I am sure I'll pick tomorrow.
This is getting out of hand. I've always had good luck with these rattlesnake beans but this year's abundance is rather unbelievable. And I think I have just about enough cucumbers to make a few pints of pickles with them. I need to get out my recipe for the fourteen-day pickles and buy approximately a hundred and fifty pounds of sugar to make them with.
Not really. But almost.
I had an uncomfortable experience this morning. I got a text from a number that I knew to belong to a man whom I've been friends with since high school. We were very, very good friends. And we stayed friends for many years. He was the brother of a boyfriend of mine and although we haven't been in touch since the early seventies, D. and I have seen each other quite a few times over the years, despite living in different places. But some years ago he got involved with a guy who, although charming as hell, was not good for D. At all. I don't really understand the relationship but you know- not my business. But the guy seemed to take D. down a path that was infinitely hungry for money and for drugs and although I begged D. to please, please just go to an Alanon meeting, it was like he could not hear what I was saying. His obsession with this guy was utter and complete.
And I hadn't heard from him in years until this morning and the first text asked how I was doing and the second asked if I had a cash app on my phone and well, you can figure out the rest.
He wasn't asking for much and if I'd been in the room with him, I would have given him the cash. Wouldn't even think twice about it or whether or not he would pay me back. But I was not going to send him money via Facebook Messenger which I did not know was a thing although it would appear it is.
Still. No.
And I've felt guilty all day long although at the same time, I don't think it would serve any purpose to send him money. And I don't care what people spend the money on that I give to them. I just don't. Again- not my business.
The amount he asked for (and he said it was for a prescription) was not enough to fear that he was going to lose his apartment or starve to death if he didn't get it, but he claimed that he could pay me back in three days when he got paid. Not that I would expect to be paid back but three days?
So odd. And I know that if he reached out to me he's obviously gone through the good will of everyone he knows.
It's so hard to be a human. To know what to do. There is that part of me that would like to be the person who is so gracious and so giving that when someone asks, I simply give. To me, that is what grace is all about. Or at least a part of it. And D. and I have been through some shit together. Good shit, bad shit, funny shit, amazing shit, cosmic shit, painful shit, celebratory shit. We have been important in each other's lives. Hell, y'all- he give me a copy of Sticky Fingers for my seventeenth birthday. And a bottle of Boone's Farm Apple Wine as well.
So why am I being so stubborn about this request?
I am not really sure. I just feel like D. is not that person anymore. Not the one I've known and loved for so long. Something, someone, has altered his very being.
Oh hell.
Well, anyway, it is now a perfectly beautiful early evening with a bright shining sun and twittering birds. The days are so long now. It's often light when we finish our supper and we do not eat very early. I remember how I resented the fact that I had to go to bed before it was dark in summers when I could still hear the sounds of other kids playing. Now when it's still light at eight-thirty, I sigh because it will be so long before it's dark enough to go to bed. How things change.
Yes. Things change. People change. I change. Do souls change?
Don't ask me. I don't know shit.
Guess I'll go roll up some egg rolls now. I've already wokked the tofu and vegetables. Mr. Moon will be so happy. He does love egg rolls. He's been at Tom's most of the day, working on our coffee/dining table but has just gotten home, reporting a successful day in the wood shop.
And I just watched an owl flutter down to the ground and then fly back up into one of the Bradford pears. We think he may be hunting young birds. The cardinals and woodpeckers are dining at the feeder as we speak.
Let us be fair- it's not just me who thinks about food all the time, is it?
No. It's not. But I know I sort of overdo it. It's not like I'm forced to hunt and gather to get enough calories a day to sustain life although you'd think that was the case sometimes.
The crickets are singing. I just heard the owl call. All is well.
And I still feel torn and yes, guilty.
Love...Ms. Moon
well....food is not *all* you think about......but it's prevalent in all its ways and I enjoy that SO much, as I love to cook.....and eat....and savor. Keep it up! And poor D.......I understand you may feel guilt.....but I believe your inner voice is speaking to you and steering you on the right path. Listen to it! As I know you do....being enlightened and all. Truly.....I'm not being *funny*. I know you do have concern for D though....which is probably well warranted and needed. You will have enough pickled beans to last a year! You never mentioned how you are feeling today......hope better!
ReplyDeleteSusan M
Oh god. I'm about as enlightened as a dead lightbulb. But as much as I hate to say it, I think that D. is on his own path and I do not seem to be part of it.
DeleteI have been feeling better. Thank you, Susan.
I love your posts about food! And after all.. we all have to eat, every darned day! 😅And re. your post yesterday- I don’t se you as living a boring life - I see you as living a ‘charmed life’! I’m so sorry about the situation with your old friend- I had a friend for years who was very mentally I’ll, and I thought I could really help her, but it was a lost battle😞Sometimes you just have to let go. Anyway- I love thinking about you and your family as being happy together and nothing more is needed than just you all loving each other and the life you share. Lots of love from
ReplyDeleteme.. Rigmor 😘
I think that in all relationships there has to be give and take, of love and also so much more. Respect is right up there. I feel so sorry that D. is not in a good or happy place because I do love him.
DeleteFWIW, I think you made the right choice re the money. One thing to give a person cash directly in this circumstance, but quite another to do it via a cash app on your phone.
ReplyDeleteYeah. Or Facebook messenger. Obviously D. knows all the ways to transfer money.
DeleteSpeaking of food, where do you get your eggs these days? You did the right thing regarding the money.
ReplyDeleteI've been buying cage-free eggs at Publix or at Costco. Sad but true.
DeleteYou are one of the most compassionate souls I know, Mary. If your inner voice is saying "no" to the cash app request, it has a good reason.
ReplyDeleteUp north here it starts getting dark about 10 pm, and light waaaaay too early. Since we're on the hens' schedule so we can lock them up at night and let them out early, we sometimes need siestas in the afternoon. But the evenings and early mornings are delectable.
I get such great kitchen magic ideas from your cooking/preserving descriptions. Keep 'em coming! And your insights into human nature, like today's dilemma, expand my horizons (and my empathy). Thank you for laying them out on the table [next to the pickling equipment :-)] for us to think about.
Chris from Boise
Chris- that was such a sweet comment. Thank you! I doubt I will ever stop talking about cooking and food so no worries there. I would have to take naps if I stayed up very late and got up very early. I used to love my naps.
DeleteOne more opinion on that request for money--it was so impersonal. He had your phone number to text; he had your phone number to call! Adults of our age call other adults our age. I wonder if it was a broadcast text.
ReplyDeleteYeah. It was totally impersonal which is actually very much like him. I think he may be sort of "on the spectrum" as so many geniuses are. He is a genius. There is no doubting that. I don't think it was a broadcast text. I think that he's probably hit up everyone else he knows.
DeleteOh Ms. Moon. How I would have loved to sit in your kitchen and talked with you this storm morning. We are doing the opposite thing. We have someone in our lives, someone we love dearly, someone who has struggled always, sometimes as a result of poor decision making. And we are in the middle of something extravagant. A life changer. The question we wrestle with is "Can a life change? Will their life change? Are we being foolish to harbor the hope that change is possible?" Your friend. I never would give money through a cash app. What I probably would have done is asked them for the pharmacy where the prescription was and called them directly to pay for it directly. I cannot help myself. I just always try to give the person room to turn around, but that being said, giving people money is sometimes not the answer.
ReplyDeleteSome people do change their lives. I've seen it happen in beautiful ways. But not everyone can. That's for sure.
DeleteIf I had offered to call the pharmacy, I guarantee you he would have refused that offer. I have a strong feeling there was no pharmacy.
And then you would have known. There would be no guilt about saying no.
DeleteIt is hard when people we have loved and known well change. I fear that had you given him this small amount the requests for more and larger amounts would keep coming.
ReplyDeleteYou are a generous soul and that will never change.
I love your food posts.
Thank you. I, too, have a feeling that he would try again and again if I had sent him that money.
DeleteI wish I were more generous. I do not think of myself as being that way, honestly.
I think you're a generous soul who knows when to say no. Helping is one thing. Enabling is another.
ReplyDeleteAnd that is a solid gold truth.
DeleteYou have D., I have my son. My son called the other day but I didn't answer. My phone said it was the "Kitchen Phone". What kitchen? He left a message, he's at the Salvation Army, still or again. I won't talk to him because when I do he reels me into his craziness and I've given him so much money. No more. I'm sorry you're feeling guilty. You're probably right, he's probably gone through all his other friends that he can "borrow" money from and ended up trying you. I imagine he's become an expert at pushing the right buttons of people. In your case it was a prescription, I wonder what he told other people.
ReplyDeleteI believe that because of your experience in this sort of situation you have exactly nailed it. I am so very sorry that you have had had so much experience with this sort of thing. What a heartbreak, every time your son phones. And there must be anger too! I would be angry. Just a horrible situation.
DeleteI understand this guilt, but urge you to let it go as much as you can. The D who asked is not the D you knew and never will be. None of which is your fault, he made his choices to begin with and then got sucked deeper into whatever was going on. Can you block his number so calls and texts do not come through?
ReplyDeleteI think about food a lot too, I think many people do, it's one of the biggest pleasures we have as humans.
I have not blocked his number. As I said, he hasn't called or texted in a very long time before that. If it gets out of hand, I will but I don't think he'll try again soon.
DeleteFood is a huge pleasure, isn't it? I feel sorry for people who cannot find pleasure in it. But also, a little jealous. They do not have many problems with being overweight.
37paddington: your instincts served you well I think when you chose not to send the money by cash app. You would have opened the gates to who knows what. D would have put you in rotation as a money mark. It’s sad that he’s struggling but you can’t help him; he’ll have to find a way to want that for himself. As for cooking and food, I love that it brings you pleasure and mastery and peace.
ReplyDeleteNo way was I going to send money via Facebook messenger. I'm probably one of the only people on the planet not to have some sort of cash app on my phone. I keep thinking I should get one and then I don't.
DeleteI do love to cook. You know that. ❤️
Are you sure that it was the genuine D asking for money? It is a common scam.....getting a message from someone you know, maybe son or daughter desperate for your help, and of course many people will just send the money, and end up losing everything! Do be wary.
ReplyDeleteYeah. It was him. I am 99.9% sure. And he was asking for such a small amount that it did not look at all like a scam.
DeleteI knew someone from my friend's café. A very intelligent guy but who was on disability. By all accounts his disability pension was very generous and he lived in town with his wealthy parents. I remember one time he asked me for €100 - so I gave it to him, on the grounds that you don't really expect it back. About a week later I see him calling on my phone - and he wanted more money. Luckily my friend took my phone off me and blocked the number. Fast forward a few years and I bump into him in town so we sit and have a drink together as I have 30 minutes to spare before my appointment. And wouldn't you know, as I got up to pay he asked me for money again. I gave him €10 and told him to keep it - but never again! It feels bad but he genuinely has money and I have no idea what he does with it! As for the love of food, consider that a blessing because we end up doing so much cooking over the course of our lives that we may as well enjoy it!
ReplyDeleteDo you think that person was on drugs? He must have had some expensive habit, I think. How very odd.
DeleteYou are so right about how we might as well enjoy cooking!
Booze more like, but I really wouldn't know what he did with his money!
DeleteI think when you lived with the hippies, like hippies, as hippies (take your pick) like we did when we were young, this happens.
ReplyDeleteLast week I met our version of your friend D and after he proudly showed me that he finally has no teeth left ("not giving any money to the pharma industry doctor complex" or whatever) and complained that the rhubarb crumble I offered him was too crumbly to eat, he wanted to check the house "to help with getting rid of trash", i.e. find scrap metal he could sell.
This guy was once an inspiration to me, full of energy and ideas, building houses and organising festivals and rallies. He thinks we have sold our souls to mammon and capitalism. I see the yellow tinge in his eyes, his swollen abdomen and wonder how long he's got.
Oh, that's so sad. So very, very sad. And it's a story that sounds very familiar in some ways. D. has a PhD from a major university. He is a brilliant man. But that doesn't really help, does it?
DeleteWell, that's a tough situation. I think you have to obey your instincts, so you basically did the right thing. You know this guy and the situation and you have a good sense of whether his request is on the up-and-up. And let's be honest -- if he hasn't seen you in years, why would be contact you out of the blue to help him pay for a prescription? Don't feel guilty. Something isn't right here.
ReplyDeleteOh. There's a lot that's not right here. Trust me. But in a way, it's perfectly reasonable for him to get in touch with me out of the blue and ask for money. We've always had the sort of relationship that can be picked up immediately and carried on although...not so much anymore. Which makes me very sad.
DeleteI suspect that if you had "lent" those dollars to "D", he would have been back for more in a few weeks or a few months. As you indicate, he is not the "D" that you used to know.
ReplyDeleteAs for food, I am sure that with your extensive knowledge of The Bible, you can easily recall The Book of Matthew 4:4: "Man shall not live by bread alone". He or she also needs canned or bottled green beans with pickled cucumbers.
Yeah. Sadly, I think that life has beat D. down pretty hard and pretty far.
DeleteOf course we cannot live on bread alone. We at least need butter and jam to go with it! Right?
You did the right thing to not send the money on your phone app. You don't know if someone else besides D is using his number to scam money from all of his contacts. You don't know what sending a little money gives them access to on your end. Nowadays there are too many scams taking advantage of people. An actual address to mail actual cash to might get it to him but then again, how do you know who is asking?
ReplyDeleteSad, but true.
I thought about the sending of cash but it would not get to him in the time frame he indicated he needed. I'm almost certain that it was him, though.
Deleteif it came through FB messenger instead of the message app on your iPhone then I would suspect a scam, probably not him at all. so it's a good thing you refused to send money online. you would very likely have been giving them access to your bank account. asking for a small amount is part of the scam.
ReplyDeleteand here's this, a bit of humor, from a list of five things to guide your life...if you help someone in trouble, they'll remember you the next time they're in trouble. and I know from personal experience that this is in fact true.
food is a big part of being human. I've always thought that if some god did create us whole out of dirt then it's a pretty poor design to make us have to eat three times a day.
Oh, it was him. I know it was. But yeah- I am not sending anyone money via Facebook. Give me a break. And you are so right about helping people in trouble but sometimes we absolutely have to for our own peace of mind, I think.
DeleteHumans sure do need to do a lot of hunting and gathering to get enough calories to sustain life, don't we? Or, well, we used to, when we actually hunted and gathered. Now all we need to do is eat a few doughnuts and we're good for the day, calorie-wise, anyway.
You have good instincts, everyone else here has excellent advice. It’s heartbreaking but D is the only one that can fix himself. I will readily admit that food is a huge reason to want to stay on this planet. I have a friend who’s very indifferent and picky at the same time about what she eats. It saddens me that she’s cut herself off from one of the greatest pleasures. Pickled green beans are a delight!
ReplyDeleteXoxo
Barbara
Pickled green beans are truly a delight! I am so glad that I've learned to make them!
DeleteI don't think that D. wants to save himself. Honestly, I do not.
It could be a scam. I get messages like that. They usually don't sound like the person in trouble. If in doubt, call and speak directly. If it's really that bad he might finally listen about Al-Anon.
ReplyDelete