And Then He Touched Me- Possible Trigger Warn

 Do y'all remember when I brought back all of those sea grape seeds from our trip down to Roseland and planted them? I swear, they must have all come up but every one of them, EVERY ONE of them died before their leaves were really formed completely. 
So when this one sprouted, the very, very last seed in the pot, I had no hope for it at all. But here it is, getting a little bigger every day and I am so afraid I'm going to jinx it by posting that picture but that's silly. I really need to put it in another pot with sand mixed into the soil because sea grapes live near the beach with very sandy soil and this one is probably wondering what in hell is going on. 

I'm waiting for Mr. Moon to come home. I have no idea when that will happen. Possibly much later tonight. When I talked to him last night he was typically vague, not having a complete plan yet. I bet that he and Chip are trying to get as much done as possible before they load up and leave. I'll be so glad to have him home and safe again but it's been a good thing, thinking of him out on the island, taking, I hope, at least a little time to enjoy it. Chip posted a few pictures of a sunset on FB and I just stole this one. 

That's the view from the back deck which, sigh, obviously needs replacing. Remember when there were two pine trees there? We've lost one to rising tides, the other cannot be long for this world. But oh, it's still so beautiful. 

I made some more pickled green beans today. Eight pints to be exact. I'd post a picture but at this point I am quite sure that you all know what a pint of pickled green beans looks like. No need to show you eight more. 

I took a walk this morning, very short, and it is quite apparent to me that if I don't start walking regularly again, I will soon not be able to. I am already unable to keep up the pace I used to. Honestly, this scares me to death. Walking has always been my super power. 

I have GOT to do better. 

I have something that I've been pondering and well, sort of obsessing about for awhile. Right after Goddess Tina Turner died, I watched a video of her on the David Letterman show from 1993, which if my math is correct, was thirty years ago so she was about fifty three. Of course she looked fabulous and she sang like no one else in the world has ever been able to sing or ever will be able to again. And that was all great. 

But then. 
Then. 
When she came to sit in the chair by Letterman, he started doing this thing. She was wearing a pair of jeans and one of the knees was ripped out as was the style then and is the style now. And David started poking her knee with his finger where the jeans were ripped and you could tell that she didn't like it. 
"That tickles," she said at one point, covering up that tiny naked spot on her knee and moving it away from Letterman's reach. 
But Letterman didn't stop. He kept doing that like it was so funny when it just wasn't. 

This is the sort of thing that is triggering for me. When men think that they're being funny by touching a woman in any sort of uninvited way. It happened to me frequently when I was a child, when my stepfather would come to "tell me goodnight." And it is the farthest thing from funny. It is not innocent. It is a power move, a control thing, and to do it to a child is wrong and to do it to Tina Turner is wrong. I wish she'd stood up and walked off the stage. But here's the thing- women, especially women who have been abused (and who was more abused than Tina Turner?) have been taught since the cradle that taking offense at "innocent" unwanted touch is ridiculous. It's nothing! And if a woman does speak up about it, she is labeled as a crazy bitch, as being way too sensitive. As being silly. No harm meant! No harm done! God. Can't you take a joke?
Right? Right? 
Wrong. So very, very wrong. And hopefully, thirty years after that recording was made, David Letterman knows far better than he did then that to touch a guest in a way that makes her uncomfortable is absolutely unacceptable. 

And can you imagine what a man would say if another man started poking or tickling him in the knee or anywhere else on his body, for that matter, uninvited and unappreciated? There would be no question that the someone was asking for trouble. Men don't touch men like that. Men obviously can't take a joke. 

So this did trigger me and I keep thinking about it and all the times that men have touched me in my life in ways that may have appeared innocent but which were actually quite threatening and made me vastly uncomfortable while I never said a word. We teach children these days about "bad touch" and "good touch" but that doesn't go nearly far enough, I think. I had no problem as a child recognizing that what was happening to me was quite bad touch but I had no way to stop it. The man who was touching me had all of the power and authority in the world over me. 
And I loved him. I trusted him. So even if I'd known about bad touch, as a thing, as a real thing, I would probably have simply done what I did anyway which was to doubt myself, to feel shame and guilt, and to keep this secret within myself where it caused so much damage. 

The idea of telling any adult that I knew what was going on was unfathomable. 

And watching Tina uncomfortably laugh off David Letterman's unwanted touch brought all of that back to me and my heart bled for Tina Turner, probably one of the strongest and most majestic women ever to live on this earth. I am certain that the message that women's bodies were not theirs to have autonomy over was taught to her from the earliest age and then literally beat into her for so many years by Ike Turner. 
And we all celebrate her and admire her so much, and rightly so for leaving that man and making her own life, having her own career, living life on her terms, but even she, even Tina Turner, sat there and did not make a fuss when the biggest guy on late night TV, a man who could literally make or break a career, thought he was being funny by tickling her knee. 

Here's the video if you want to watch it. 

There is the possibility that I am reading way more into this than is really there but- isn't that what we are always told? 

Yeah. It is. 

In good news, I've booked a house in North Carolina for next month. I have great feelings about this place. There is a hot tub on the porch and a creek right out back and I can just see us all, sitting in that cold rushing water until we're chilled to the bone and then going to sit in the hot tub to warm up. Creek to hot tub, hot tub to creek. And back again. 

I think it will be lovely. 

Love...Ms. Moon