Sunday, October 23, 2022

There Is A Lot Here


 I made a porch-necklace today. I guess that's what it is. For literal years, I have had a bowl of the small prisms which had come strung on wire that had rusted and broken and I've been planning to do something with them forever. Last night I decided to twist the wire out of them and run them through the dishwasher, which I did. And this morning I strung them along with the larger prism that had been in a bowl on the microwave for...years. 
It's silly. But I tell you what! If it was for sale at the MGWSB it would be one of the prettiest things there! 
God, I'm mean. 
But who can hate a prism? 


They make rainbows. 


Somehow this inspired me to clean the window of the doors at each end of the hallway. 


And then I decided, "That's enough of that nonsense."
Cleaning one small part of my house causes such despondence in me. There is absolutely no doubt that I have got to hire some professional cleaners to come and spend a WHOLE lot of time to really do what needs to be done. I can't even reach some of the places that desperately need cleaning. The ceilings, which mostly have mildew, are fourteen feet high. I think. Some of them, at least. And for some reason I have such an aversion to hiring cleaners which is ridiculous. I know that there are people who really enjoy cleaning for a living and I would not mind supporting them. It just feels like such a privileged and entitled thing to do. When I was growing up, it was absolutely not unusual for white women to hire a "maid" who would come in several times a week to clean and do laundry and the ironing. And even when I was a child, it felt weird to me. When the novel, "The Help" came out, I couldn't even bring myself to read it for a long time because I knew those women who toiled and labored and tended to white families and we even once lived in a house that had a fairly primitive bathroom tucked away in the garage which I came to realize later in life was probably built for the Black women who cleaned to use. 
This is the honest to god truth and another truth is that that bathroom with its sturdy wooden door that was built of thick planks and which had a securely screwed in hook and eye latch which I could fasten behind me, was the place I felt safest in that house because my stepfather could NOT get in when I was there, unlike my bedroom. 
Obviously, I have a lot of baggage around this issue. 

I feel very similarly about massages. I admire people who get them regularly. Anything that helps with pain and tension has to be a good thing. But. Do I deserve something that is yes, therapeutic, but which also feels so good?
And here we are with my therapist's question about my intrinsic need to suffer. 
Last week I started having a pain in the base of my neck which actually led over my skull, resulting in mild headaches. It was a knot, I suppose a tension knot of some sort, and even to the touch, that knot was tender. It still is. My back and neck are basically stone slabs, covered with flesh. So I did actually make an appointment with a masseuse that our family loves who does only area-specific massage. She has worked on me before. And even for this, I feel somewhat guilty. I mean- if I just did some fucking yoga, for example, I would not be having these problems. Or meditation! Or drinking tumeric tea or watching PT videos on Youtube and doing the exercises!  
But. I made the appointment and I am going tomorrow. 

Wait. What was I talking about? I have no idea. 
Cleaning, racism in the 50's and 60's, guilt, window washing, and of course- pains in the neck. 

I may be getting a little weird with all of this aloneness. 

I did a little outside work today too. I pruned and cleared around two rose bushes, one of them which was here when we moved in and one which Ellen sent me. As I always say, I know nothing about pruning roses but fortunately, the ones I have growing are practically wild and will gracefully tolerate almost any abuse. There is almost no time of year when these roses stop blooming so I just go at them when the spirit moves me and they are looking especially leggy. 

I also pulled some rooster lilies which bring me no pleasure and which I wish were not here. This is true for at least 50% of the plants in this yard. I would be lying if I said I got all the roots. 



There is a garden cart underneath there. 

One other thing I did today was to do a quick clean up in the hen house. The difference between having a dozen and a half chickens and two chickens is vast. And neither Lucky nor Grace sleep on a nest but up on boards that are part of the framing. 
Y'all- having just two chickens and keeping them in the coop is a source of deep sorrow for me. Grace hasn't laid an egg in well over a month. Lucky does crow, but rarely. 
They are not living their chicken lives the way they should be. 
I am seriously thinking of letting them run the yard and letting nature take its course because the life they are living is not much of a life at all. 

Ah well. Sundays. 

I've just watched this which made me smile and made me cry. 


Those sweet old boys. And how we miss the whimsical, mystical Charlie, the heartbeat, the secret sweet soul of the band. 

Off to heat up some split pea soup.

Love...Ms. Moon

28 comments:

  1. I see how you're struggling with the notion of needing cleaning help and actually getting it. And why it's a struggle. I have house cleaners who are self enployed, family business, Eastern European immigrants. They're professionals and they get all of what I pay. No agency takes a percentage. For me that was important because agencies employ people who are paid badly, have little say in their lives.

    Could you manage to get a one-time thorough job? Rather than regular help if that is really too hard to deal with?

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    1. I think it would take days and days for anyone to do a very thorough job here. To be realistic. And I am simply going to have to get it done. I would not hire anyone from an agency, either.

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  2. Boud has a good point. The other thing is that these people are doing this to earn money. You are actually helping them. I am a great believer in paying someone to do something you can't do or don't like doing. When I worked night duty I paid a friend, who was a professional cleaner, to do the basics once a fortnight. But I also understand your reluctance to employ cleaners. Go figure.
    Your prisms are charming. I can just imagine the glorious rainbows they will cast.
    As for the chooks, I guess you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes.

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    1. I know you're right. People go into the cleaning business to make money and that should be all there is to it in my mind. I am working on understanding this really and truly.
      I do like my porch necklace. It is catching the sun right now.
      And the chooks are out, scratching under leaves, happy as chickens can be.

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  3. That porch necklace is beautiful. I go for a massage once a month, it's the only thing I do that is just for me and it's wonderful, painful but wonderful too. I have chronic back and neck pain and some mild scoliosis so the massage helps out with the tight muscles and pain.

    You know, you just need me in a really bad mood in your house for a day or two and I would clean it within an inch of it's life. You need a good rage clean:)

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    1. I used to rage clean. I was generally in a rage because I had to clean.
      You are so right about the massages- they do help and we deserve to get that help as much as anyone.

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  4. I'd forgotten Charlie was gone. I LOVE prisms, I need to buy some. If you strung some across the windows of that door you'd have rainbows on the floor. That hallway looks to be about the size of my entire living room.
    I don't like massages much, I really don't like someone getting their hands all over me, I'm not a touchy feely type of person although I don't mind hugs from people that I know.

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    1. I have a good friend who absolutely cannot get massages. They make her sob. She is a very body-private person and I respect that in people. I am not one of them and do not mind, especially if the masseuse is a woman when I know that she is a professional and there to help me.

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  5. I like the string of prisms and they will be so beautiful in the sunshine!
    I would say let the chooks out to gather the bugs during the day and let them sleep in their safe house at night!
    Really enjoy your massage ... headaches are no fun!

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    1. Well, that is what we always did- let them out in the day and shut them up at night but it seems that foxes don't always wait until nighttime to hunt and kill. But dammit, I let them out today! They are so happy.

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  6. My girls were responsible for keeping their rooms clean and I did the rest of the house. When I moved on to the bigger house, they were in college and we (my sister and I) paid to have the house cleaned. When I moved on again, I paid Laura to clean. She did a good job and I paid her well. Perhaps you could show the two older boys some things to do to clean and earn.

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    1. I remember when Laura would clean your house. That worked out well for both of you.
      I am thinking that the boys would probably not do a great job and that I would pay them anyway because that's how I am. Their other grandmother does pay them to do things around her house.

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  7. I’ve been away in hospital for a while; now home and whilst forbidden to do A THING, I am gorging on the words I’ve missed from you. I’m not too much for introspection and navel gazing (not least because I hear the voice of my darling grandmama in my head, “When the carrots are weeded and the hens put away, it’ll be too dark for such thinking!” However, a dear friend delivered “A Radical Awakening” by Dr Shefali to my door (along with hot tea, chicken soup, and the most perfect tiny fairy-sized apple cakesj. This book grabbed me by the ears and gave me a slap. Have you read it? You must - all women MUST! It’s not an easy read, but by golly, it’s astonishing.
    Mrs F

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    1. Well, I am so glad you are out of the hospital! That must have been horrible! And I hope you are feeling much better and will continue to heal.
      I will see if the library has that book. I've just read some reviews and I'm not sure it's a book that will resonate with me but there is only one way to find out, right? Thanks for the recommend.

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  8. What is a rooster lily? I tried searching your blog for pictures but couldn't (readily) find any. (Admittedly it wasn't an exhaustive search.) And when I Googled them I got a picture of a wallpaper design featuring roosters and lilies, which is kind of funny but not very helpful!

    I think many of us suspect we don't deserve little luxuries, or can get by without them, but it's ridiculous not to indulge now and then. Especially in a situation like yours, where a cleaner is a necessity to do some jobs (like the ceilings). We've toyed with hiring a cleaner to give our flat a professional once-over but we have never done it.

    I love your necklace of prisms!

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    1. It is, as Ellen says below, a type of canna lily but instead of a glorious bloom it only has a little red "rooster tail" and as with everything in this yard- it wants to take over!
      You're so right about the luxuries. But some things that we convince ourselves are luxuries are really needs. We just need to change our thinking, I guess.

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  9. Rooster lilies? You mean cannas (from the picture)? When we bought this place there was a large area at the back of the common yellow cannas that get leaf roller worms so badly and I dug them all up.

    I have one of those round prism balls hanging in my window and it does exactly that, shoots prisms all over the room.

    Your little rose is the same as the monster rose bush I worked on this weekend. So not you know what happens if you never prune it and just let it grow.

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    1. Yes. They are canna lilies with a most unremarkable bloom and they grow up everywhere in this yard. I am doomed to a life of fruitless attempts at plant control.
      Good to know about that rose! I'm not sure the one you sent me that I've planted gets enough sun to really become a monster but I will keep it in check, just in case.

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  10. I enjoyed that video - sweet fun!
    You are creating jobs if you hire cleaners and get massages so if you can afford it, you should do that.
    I like your prism necklace.

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  11. 1. Love the prisms-that's a great way to string them. 2. Retired housecleaner from New England here (so culture & race overlays admittedly different). Housecleaning is an excellent small business for a single person without capital. You can start with a vacuum and a bottle of Windex. It gave me autonomy & freedom that working in a motel didn't. I met wonderful clients (like you) who became friends over the years. I fired the clients I didn't care for. 3. I hated The Help. Thought it was demeaning to both the black women and the white women.

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    1. I am so glad to have your perspective on cleaners. I've had friends who had their own cleaning businesses and mostly really liked the work. And you're right- very little overhead. Thanks for your input, Lynn Marie!

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  12. Observing their nice domestic backgrounds, it seems that The Stones did manage to get what they wanted. But they didn't have prism strings!

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    1. Oh, I would not be surprised if there weren't a few prism strings in some Stones' houses. Keith is pretty much an old hippie in many ways and Ronnie is too.

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  13. Yes, good video! I suggested to hub we could benefit from a good professional cleaning since I don't *do* ladders anymore.....and maybe the occaisional cleaning after? He was NOT on board with it....said *just tell me what you need cleaned and I'll do it*. OK.......3 things out of a list of 10 got done so far... sigh. Love the prisms..... I have one also and love the rainbows. Your chickens.....big sigh there- tough call. We have tons of wildlife here and my flock was always fenced, or cooped. Leaving them out would have been like waving a flag saying *come and get it *..... but last year, we decided our sole remaining hen (who was 9 at the time) should spend her remaining time kicking up her heels (cooped at night only) Well.....she stunned us both by living another year and managed to enjoy her chicken life without being *taken* until she died of old age about 6 months ago. Just a thought........
    Susan M

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    1. I seriously doubt my husband would ever offer to clean what I can't. Plus, I do not want him on a ladder either. No way.
      Prisms are sort of magical, aren't they?
      I let the chickens out today. It is so sweet to see them outside being chickens again.

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  14. 37paddington:
    Darling Mary, hire a house cleaner. Get on a schedule with her or him, like every two weeks or once a month or whatever, and know that you are contributing to someone’s livelihood. Pay a little more than the price they quote you, and let go of the guilt around all of it. You need the support. They need they work. It’s honest work. And if you’re like me you’ll even do a bit of preliminary housecleaning yourself before their scheduled day so it’s a win win. I have a wonderful once a month housecleaner who helps keep things from going too far off the rails and she is a professional and knows her stuff and gives me wise advice and I’m so eternally grateful for her. Let go of the guilt, my love. This person is your equal, doing a job. You live in a big house. With 14-foot ceilings. You can definitely use the backup.

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  15. 37paddington:
    And your porch necklace is absolutely beautiful.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.