Dream: My mother takes me and my kids to a restaurant. It is quite fancy but there are roaches everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Scuttling on tables and under tables in great herds.
Also, the top of my dress fell off.
Anyway, it was a beautiful day and Lily brought the kids back over to kick bamboo and see their grandfather. It was good to see them again and bamboo was kicked.
And there were bamboo sword fights.
But it was just so damn hard to see them and have to keep distance and when they got ready to leave I started crying and I guess I cried more after they left than I've cried during this whole thing. It's too hard. I'd almost rather not see them. And Maggie can't understand why she can't sit with her Boppy or come into the house. And Gibson doesn't quite get it either.
"How DO you get the coronavirus?" he asked. I know Lily's explained it. I tried to explain it again.
Owen's old enough and he keeps his distance but I want to hug him SO much. All my little rock stars, glory babies, the hearts of my heart.
Mr. Moon's planning a bike ride with Vergil and August and Levon, keeping six feet distance, of course, and he asked me if I wanted to go.
I just can't.
First off, leaving the property except to go on walks makes me anxious.
Secondly, I cry just thinking about it.
Ah well. I guess today is an emotional day.
I did weed the little office yard which left my arms and hands itchy and red, even though I wore gloves. And I'm making a soup that's going to suck. There is nothing in this soup that goes with anything else in this soup. It's can't-let-anything-go-to-waste soup. And I refuse to use anything that I can make a whole other meal out of to try and tie it together.
I have sour cream. We'll just put some of that in it and eat it like it was good. With hot sauce.
Okay. This is nice. But sort of sad.
Mr. Moon opened up a bluebird nesting box to clean it out and in it he found this abandoned hummingbird egg. It's hard to judge scale but trust me when I say that the egg is about the same size as one of my fingernails. Isn't it beautiful?
All of the chickens are fine. Growing, as chickens do. The big guys attack and eat everything I give them, whether it's a few stalks of collards or a spent arugula like teenaged boys going through a Costco-sized box of Hot Pockets. The little ones are still small enough that I only have to give them fresh food and water every other day. And the grown-up ladies gave me an egg apiece today. I do appreciate that.
Mr. Moon spent more hours in the garden today. He is such a perfectionist gardener. Here's what his rows look like.
I've always known that my wandering, slapdash rows have made him a bit crazy but now I realize that they've probably been hurting his very soul. I'm glad for him to take this over. I'll weed for him. It's as if suddenly he's switched from a hunter to a farmer and that's all right with me. Although he'll be hunting again, trust me. As we speak he's off to fish in Lloyd Creek to see if he can catch a bream or two which would be a very nice thing to eat, cleaned and dipped in corn meal and fried. The sweetest, tenderest fish I know.
I guess that in him I have the best of both worlds.
And whatever he brings into the kitchen, I will cook.
Where are your emotions today? Are you obsessively reading and watching news or are you hiding your head in the sand? Are you anxious or worried or scared? Are you grieving something from your life that you can no longer do? What are you doing to replace your usual activities? Are you sleeping more? Sleeping less? Are you focused on the day to come when all of this will be behind us? Can you even imagine that as a possibility? Are you finding things that you realize you've been missing in your life like having time to read or simply sit and think? Does time drag for you or does it speed by in some mysterious way? Are you paying more attention to the smallest things? Are you eating too much or not eating enough? Do you find yourself swinging from emotion to emotion, mood to mood? Are you getting along with your co-isolation humans? Are you reaching out more to others or are you feeling as if you want to shut yourself in your own bubble? Are you feeling guilty that you're not using this time to self-improve? Learn another language, make art, do crafty things, read War and Peace, write the great American novel? Are you feeling as if getting meals together and the laundry done is more than enough to accomplish in one day? Are you throwing your whole self into projects and activity?
I think that however we are handling it, that's the way we need to be.
Here are some of the very last of the pink perfections. For this year, at least.
I send them to you with love.
I think this episode in our history will be hardest on preteens down, who don't have the breadth of experience to understand this is just another thing we must do. It was great of Lily to bring the children over to kick the damn bamboo.ReplyDelete
Last night I simply could not go to bed. It made me stupid. I still did a lot of sleeping today. This too, etc.
Those camellias are too beautiful.
Take care. Better day tomorrow.
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All I wanted to do was separate the last word, like this:Delete
Goodnight, Sweetheart, Good Night.
Joann- I do not know who it's going to end up being the hardest on. So many are going to suffer losses of dear ones, loved ones, friends, acquaintances. But yes, this is going to affect preteens a lot. They are learning in a very cruel, quick way how little control we have over our world.Delete
Dianne- What a sweetness. Thank you.
I honestly, I prefer not to leave the house much and I like cooking stuff myself and it turns out I do prefer working from home, something I’ve never done before. But, I’m drinking too much wine and when I talk to someone on the phone I realize that I’m NOT fine and, I’m fact, could use some human connection. And I’m pretty sure I’ve forgotten how to drive.ReplyDelete
We are probably all over-medicating one way or another. There is much about this enforced isolation that I have to admit I love. If only this weren't the reason.Delete
I bet you still know how to drive.
And yes- you do need human connection. Reach out. We all need to. Thanks for coming here.
I haven't driven in two weeks, since the last day I went to work and went home with a fever and a cough. No one else in the family has gotten sick (thank god). I'm struggling. The first week we were sequestered, the weather was beautiful but this week it's been cold and rainy and I can't sleep and I have no idea if I'm eating enough or too much. I miss my colleagues, even my pain-in-the-ass nosy as hell Trump-loving secretary. So I've been trying to do what makes me feel in control and limit our excursions into the World: sew cloth napkins out of old sheets and shirts; hillbilly a greenhouse out of an old plastic tub; attach some hardware cloth to the front fence so Athena-the-brave-chicken doesn't end up in the neighbor's yard again.ReplyDelete
You're doing what you can. What we're all doing. This and that and the other thing over here. I'm sorry you're struggling. It's so damn hard.Delete
Keep doing what you're doing. I think I'm going to make a few masks for family. Can you do that maybe?
I'm depressed and stupid in the head. I did get a nice dinner on but that was all. My 50 year old stepson with schizophrenia, well controlled I thought, took off yesterday morning (from upstate NY) for San Francisco (yes I bet the flight and hotel room were cheap) for a "vacation" just to walk around. Nothing anyone said would dissuade him. I'm trying not to think the worst or even bad-case scenarios but it's really hard.ReplyDelete
Somehow I have no spare time, can't even get important tasks done. Too much time on the net and in the newspaper, obsessing about this bug.
I don't think that San Francisco is even renting out rooms. What a horrible situation!Delete
I have no spare time either.
My husband keep saying, "we could do this, we could do that," and I just can't seem to find the time. And yet, like you, I'm not getting much done.
That egg, your flowers and kiddies, all so good, we are still so blessed in our lives. I am wobbly, but did triumph at the task of sorting out prescription changes and charges. Woohoo!ReplyDelete
I would feel as if I had climbed Mr. Everest if I did something like that! Hurray for you!Delete
It's hard as hell for me to get anything accomplished. At all. I feel guilty about that because I have so many things I should be doing. I try to get at least a couple of things done each day and then at the end of the day I can't even remember what I did other than fix dinner and do laundry.ReplyDelete
I understand how hard it must be for you to be around those sweet kids and not be able to hug them. That would kill me too. It almost did me in not being able to hug my son when I saw him a week ago and he is 43 years old! We mamas just gotta hug our babies, whatever the age!
Those pink perfections are just about the prettiest flower I ever saw!
It's just as hard not to hug Lily as it is not to hug the kids! Maybe more so because she's such a comfort to hug.Delete
I understand how you feel about accomplishments. Laundry and dinner is all I am capable of some days. And barely that.
The perfections are well named. I wish I could paint them.ReplyDelete
I'm OK. But 14 people died yesterday. Tiny, compared to the US, but so is our population
It's hit all of us. There is no safe place.Delete
But YOU stay safe, Jo. Okay?
It's reassuring to me to see that others struggle to get things done. I'm on my own here so it's hard to bounce ideas off others as to what is "normal". I had a bit of a wobble the other night after almost 2 weeks in lockdown but I'm ok again today. It definitely helps to get out in the garden though and maybe, just maybe this year I'll get a decent veggie plot because I have the time to go about it slowly. Take care - it will get better.ReplyDelete
I don't think there IS a normal! I read what you're doing and feel as if I could be doing so much more.Delete
Gardens are wonderful right now for ALL the right reasons. I was cheered to read of your sunflowers coming up.
Every night when I'm tired and my body aches I'm convinced I have the virus and then the morning comes and I feel fine. Just a tired old body.ReplyDelete
We can't decide today whether or not to take our grandson for a few hours. It will help Gracie stay healthy but she has asthma and her allergies have been acting up, or is it the virus? Don't fucking know.
Sending hugs across the miles.
Oh god. What a horrible decision to have to make because you cannot be around a baby and not hold him, touch him, change him. All of it. I hope with all of my heart that Gracie just has allergies.Delete
I started to feel a little stir crazy yesterday. And I miss my friends. I'm trying hard to take this one day at a time but it's hard not to look ahead and that scares me. It still all feels so surreal.ReplyDelete
Yeah. Looking ahead is of no use. We have no idea. But at the same time, Impossible not to.Delete
We're all anxious. How can we not be? I can't imagine what it's like having to keep distance between you and the grandkids -- any more than I can imagine keeping distance from Dave or Olga. It's still such a bizarre time.ReplyDelete
When the kids leave, I hang on to Glen because I CAN. I'm so glad not to be going through this alone.Delete
Thank you Mary, for those perfect pink blooms. And thank you for sharing your heart, always in the truest way. I love you.ReplyDelete
And you know I love you.Delete
Those pink perfections look like a painting. I am 100% vibrating with anxiety all the damn time. I don't love it. Thank you , as ever, for your posts. xoReplyDelete
Vibrating with anxiety is incredibly exhausting and no, it is NOT FUN! Oh, honey. Are you able to get out and exercise at all?Delete
I am all over the place and cooking/eating is a struggle. But this morning remembered some advice my old GP gave me years ago, namely that a panic attack only lasts that long due to the body's way of dealing with adrenaline, I think he said max 15 mins or maybe 5 mins.ReplyDelete
Anyway. I keep on thinking that we know that this will go away eventually, that it's nothing like Chernobyl felt like in 1986. That all we need to handle is a couple of weeks/months of boredom and physical distance.
Today, we made a movie version of old MacDonald had a farm using all of the hand puppets we could find, incl. the hedgehog and the fox, and sent it to the grandchild. Proper oscar material if I may say so, we lasted for about 1 min before we got the giggles but grandchild better appreciates it.
Be good to yourself Mary, we will have a great global party when this is over and done with.
Your puppet show sounds like so much fun. Probably as much fun for you and your man as for the grandchild! What a good thing to do.Delete
Yes. This will go away eventually. Right? Science says so. I keep thinking about what you posted. I think it was you. About the fact that there will be a vaccine. That there will be treatments. Thank you for reminding us of that, Sabine.
Hang in there.
Mary those perfections are out of this world gorgeous. Love from the big gray.ReplyDelete
Love back to you from the swampy green.Delete
So glad to have you and your/our community, real and virtual, here to turn to. Sending love to you, yours and ours. Yours pink perfections are. Perfect. x0x0N2ReplyDelete
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