Saturday, December 9, 2017

My Christmas Spirit Is A Sad Sort of Spirit. But I Am Trying

My emotions have been as labile today as a teenager's. I was angry for awhile, until we finally got all of the plants squared away. There are plants on the table in the mudroom which we set up for them every year before the first freeze.

And there are plants on the chest in the hallway.

There are also plants in the library and plants tucked here and there all over the place. And still, there are many plants pulled up to the wall and covered on the porch. Some of my plants are just too big to risk anyone's back on and besides that, I do the same thing with my plants that I do with my leftovers- I just magically make more of them. I can't help but divide and repot or root and pot and so there are always more and I've gotten to an age where I realize that even the most precious of them are not irreplaceable with the exception of my Roseland mango which is now cozy in the laundry room which is not really a laundry room but a very small space where the washer and dryer are and there is a window in there. My chickens have lately taken to eating begonias of all varieties and I've had to cut some of those back almost to the root. Hopefully, wintering inside will give them a chance to spring forth again. 
Dang chickens. For years and years they never touched a beak to a begonia but now they act like the leaves are made of tortilla chips. 
Adaptive behavior, I suppose. 

We brought in the little Norfolk Island Pine which was my Christmas tree two years ago. 

I hung an entire string of lights on it which may be overkill but it is cheery and Owen and Gibson have helped me to decorate it with mostly old and treasured ornaments, some homemade and some merely so old that they are treasured. 

I insisted that they had to wear the elf hats that Aunt May made years and years ago. They liked them. 

"Mer," said Gibson, "Do you have an elf on the shelf?"
"Oh hell no," I told him. 
Was that inappropriate? 

Owen and I have made pizza dough which is rising and Gibson is playing with my iPad. They've played Wii games with their Boppy and I think they're just happy to be here. I'm happy they're here too, although my anger has now been replaced with a strange sort of childlike sadness which is one of my default Christmas emotions. 
Unless I'm in Mexico for Christmas which is far enough away from my childhood, I suppose, to allow me to feel free to simply be there in the moment, able even to enjoy the ornaments and lights of the Cozumelanos and the music coming from the Catholic church downtown which has no walls. 

Well, the fact of the matter is that I am going to be here this Christmas and if I am sad, well I will just have to be sad. And I am sure there will be joy. Or at least, some sweetness. 

I better go check that pizza dough. 
I wonder if we'll read "The Little Red Hen Makes A Pizza" tonight. That would be appropriate. 
And traditional. 

Stay warm, y'all. 

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. I hear you with the sadness of Christmas, I have it too and am unraveling a little bit of it every year. By the time i'm done here maybe it will be all worked out!

    1. I have given up on Christmas for myself. It is just a hard day and that's all there is to it. I survive it and am grateful when I do.

  2. of course it was appropriate! words are just that. and how ridiculous our society that says some of our most expressive words are dirty or evil or not for children. Fuck that shit. my plants are in, my satsuma wrapped like a christmas present, my volunteer tomatoes plants that were covered with flowers and growing fruit look very unhappy. the snow didn't faze them them. they didn't care for the dry freezing temps that followed.

    1. On top of everything else, last night I walked into the kitchen, checked the dough and said to Glen, "This stuff is rising like a Mofo!" and then turned around to see Owen sitting at the counter.
      "Mer, what's a Mofu?" he asked.
      Whoops! Oh well.
      Everything here today is drooping and deadish. It will come back but now I have so much pulling and cutting back to do outside. I'm overwhelmed.

  3. i also approach xmas with caution. this year i am baking a treat a week to enjoy. share. we put lights up outside and that's about it. tony handles all things related to gifting/wrapping, which really helps keep me out of that foggy/guilt/shame place.

    i am slightly jealous of the plants!


    1. I'm jealous that you have a Tony to do those things! Whoa! He's wonderful!

  4. I can relate to the emotional ups and downs. I will be celebrating Hanukkah at a friend's home and look forward to that. I hope the plants and you do well. The expectations and stress of the season are hard to let go of and so is the idea that we have to be happy at this time of year.

    1. I wonder sometimes if anyone anywhere actually enjoys Christmas. I guess some people do. Weird. And yes- the expectations are simply overwhelming and create more distress.

  5. your home looks warm and cozy. try and sink into that atmosphere. i know the internal weather can be treacherous this time of year.

  6. That Christmas sadness...I know about that. December has always been a difficult month for me, and this one will be especially hard with the recent loss of my mother in law.

    I remember last year thinking how wonderful your trip to Mexico looked and envied you such a great holiday escape! But all those lovely grandchildren of yours should help make the season bright. ❤

    1. You have no idea how much I wish I was going to Mexico again. The thought of it literally makes me cry.
      I wish you could go this year- to be somewhere where there are no memories can be a beautiful thing. Some may call it escape but I call it perfect.

  7. I cry pretty much everyday i December but for different reasons. I miss my mom. I miss my grandparents. And it’s so cold and dark. And because I feel so inadequate. People have such beautiful Christmases and I stuggle to get up in the morning.

    I do love how Gibson is standing just like Owen. It reminds me of when Jimmy Fallon does his Halloween candy clips. The younger sibling does exactly when the older one does. It’s like a mirror.

    We have pulled out all our Christmas decorations and I will see if I can make a dent in it today. Maybe the decorations will pull me out of my bad mood

    1. Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry. Please don't make it worse on yourself if the decorations don't help.
      Gibson does like to copy his big brother but he would never admit that. They are like little nipping puppies half the time. I swear.

  8. I have been thinking of you as the season of darkness and dread lights upon us once again. Jesus H. I am just always happy to get to January 2nd. I guess I enjoy the X-mas lights and the copious quantities of booze. C'est tout.

    I love you. Hang in there.

  9. Your plants all look very cozy there in the house. I'm glad you decorated your Norfolk Island Pine! Those things just beg to be decorated, they're so stereotypically Christmas-tree-shaped.


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