Since it's clean sheets day and my picture taking has been almost nonexistent, I'll give you this picture I took a few days ago because I loved the way the light looked coming through that piece of bark cloth, and lighting up my beautiful velvet pillow.
I've been laid-back today. Did laundry, swept a few floors, did a crossword, looked up recipes for poke bowls, got Mr. Moon on the road to the coast with a kiss and an entreatment to be safe and a command to have fun. I would also like it very much if he came home with some beautiful snapper for us to eat but one never knows when the fish will be biting.
After he left I went to Publix and Costco to get ingredients for poke bowls. I have many of the ingredients already but I wanted to get some good tuna. I've never eaten a poke bowl in my life but suddenly, they look amazing. Here's one that's the New York Times cooking app has a recipe for.
Of course I'm going to play around with this. For one thing, I'm going to sear my tuna rather than just marinate it. I love ceviche but I'm not there yet on trusting myself or the tuna I can get here to eat it raw. And yes, I do realize that the vinegar does "cook" it, just as lime juice cooks the seafood in ceviche but optimally, one should be certain of the freshness of seafood before it is prepared like that. Perhaps this is the type of cooking I will be getting excited to do. That would not be bad.
I took my second dose of the Zepbound today. No worries. No pain. Easy. And now we shall see how week two goes. The realization I had today about all of this was truly an epiphany. From the age of about six or seven (yes, I remember) I have felt uncomfortable with my weight. And I was, even then, noticeably plumper than most of my classmates, my playmates. I was teased and bullied all through elementary school. I remember a well-meaning friend of my grandmother's who gave me a jump rope, intimating that if I used it regularly, I could shed some of the baby fat. I was an active child, as we all were then. We rode our bikes and walked everywhere. We played outside every day. During the summers I was fortunate enough to go to a day care place when my mother was away getting her masters degree and my grandparents were taking care of us where there was a pool and we swam and played in the pool most of the entire day. There were few empty calorie snacks available to me but as time went on and things in my household got worse, I did very much use food as a comfort, as self-medication. And I learned very early how to cook, how to bake, how to gain praise for my skills while at the same time, satisfying my need to eat.
I took my second dose of the Zepbound today. No worries. No pain. Easy. And now we shall see how week two goes. The realization I had today about all of this was truly an epiphany. From the age of about six or seven (yes, I remember) I have felt uncomfortable with my weight. And I was, even then, noticeably plumper than most of my classmates, my playmates. I was teased and bullied all through elementary school. I remember a well-meaning friend of my grandmother's who gave me a jump rope, intimating that if I used it regularly, I could shed some of the baby fat. I was an active child, as we all were then. We rode our bikes and walked everywhere. We played outside every day. During the summers I was fortunate enough to go to a day care place when my mother was away getting her masters degree and my grandparents were taking care of us where there was a pool and we swam and played in the pool most of the entire day. There were few empty calorie snacks available to me but as time went on and things in my household got worse, I did very much use food as a comfort, as self-medication. And I learned very early how to cook, how to bake, how to gain praise for my skills while at the same time, satisfying my need to eat.
My stepfather, at the grooming stage of our relationship, swore that my chocolate chip cookies were the best he ever ate and so I made all I could make for him. And I ate my share.
Like that.
And all the while feeling shame and unhappiness about the way my body looked. The fact that I had to shop in the "Chubettes" department. If there was ever a word that was less pleasing to the mind than "Chubette," I do not want to know it.
Like that.
And all the while feeling shame and unhappiness about the way my body looked. The fact that I had to shop in the "Chubettes" department. If there was ever a word that was less pleasing to the mind than "Chubette," I do not want to know it.
But that was just the beginning of it all. And as I have talked about before, I used various methods as I grew older to lose weight, to try to be thin. Those were the days of Twiggy and Jean Shrimpton who became the ideals of what a woman should look like.
All the beautiful women musicians and models and movie stars were skinny. Being able to see all of the bones of their ribcages was de rigor.
Meanwhile- did I HAVE a ribcage?
And as hard as I tried, as much as I starved myself, and then later, when I got older and wiser, as much as I exercised and followed all the Weight Watcher guidelines and cooked all the Weight Watcher recipes (some were actually very good and I still use them), it was a constant and unending battle and I never felt quite good enough, thin enough which led to shame and to guilt because I just wasn't trying hard enough until finally, in my sixties, I just gave up. I could not do it any more. And things have gone from bad to so much worse.
Meanwhile- did I HAVE a ribcage?
And as hard as I tried, as much as I starved myself, and then later, when I got older and wiser, as much as I exercised and followed all the Weight Watcher guidelines and cooked all the Weight Watcher recipes (some were actually very good and I still use them), it was a constant and unending battle and I never felt quite good enough, thin enough which led to shame and to guilt because I just wasn't trying hard enough until finally, in my sixties, I just gave up. I could not do it any more. And things have gone from bad to so much worse.
And in the past week I have realized that all of that was a lie. It was always an issue of metabolism, of chemicals as Jessie said, of hormones and brain chemistry. IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH NOT HAVING SELF CONTROL! It had nothing to do with sloth or gluttony or any of the things I have labeled myself with my entire life.
I don't think that anyone who hasn't gone through all of this can even begin to understand but trust me- there are hundreds of thousands of us out here who are learning the same things.
And I do believe our minds are blown.
Mine is.
Mine is.
At least so far.
And in a complete 180- today I baked a cake for my May who is having a birthday tomorrow. May rarely, rarely eats things like cake or pie but on her birthday, she does and I am always so honored to make her whatever she wants for the occasion. This year, she decided on a prune cake which is probably one of the best cakes in the world. A sort of caramel spice cake.
Here it is without its icing, a sort of praline thing, which I will make tomorrow. And it is so incredibly amazing.
Not unlike May.
Only she is far more amazing. Of course.
Happy Friday, y'all.
Love...Ms. Moon
I understand. I had a beautiful, tiny skinny foster sister I was constantly compared to. She got better grades than I did also. That prune cake is so delicious and it is Somewhat-like a sticky toffee pudding I imagine I’ve never had a sticky toffee pudding, ha what do I know? But the ingredients for both are the same. XO Rebecca
ReplyDeleteI had the opposite problem, always too thin and teased endlessly because of it. I was the tallest in the class and the skinniest. I hated my body. Go figure. Maybe it's not girls and women, maybe it's the rest of the world.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're feeling better. My daughter is trying to get me to eat more protein and I'm trying. She thinks I have awful eating habits, and I do, but I am what I am:)
Happy birthday to May. That looks like a delicious cake.
I'm so sorry you've been conflicted about your own precious body. It's sad because it's beautiful.
ReplyDeleteAn entire nation and now the world has had to fall prey to obesity for science to catch up with what is actually happening! Finally medicines and treatment , like for any other blip ( high blood pressure, diabetes etc) developed and improving as we go. Thank you, Mary Moon! One small step for woman, one giant leap for ALL! XO
ReplyDeleteI don't believe I have ever even heard of prune cake so now of course I have to look up recipes for it. Because I am curious not necessarily because I want to make one. The velvet pillow looks perfect with the light on it. Chubette is a terrible name for clothes. I remember seeing Twiggy and thinking she looked ill, so thin with all her bones showing. The look did become popular though and I wonder now if that's how many anorexics got started. One of my classmates was naturally Twiggy thin and I was surprised one day during lunch to see just how much food she ate.
ReplyDeletePrune spice cake! I haven’t had that in years! SO good. I was a skinny kid who was always reminded I looked undernourished. I was the topic of discussion at all family events, as if I were invisible. One aunt always said, “Send him to my house. I’ll fatten him up.” An insult to me AND to my mother. And HER son grew up to have the fattest ass in the family. “You should take him to the doctor,” was a constant helpful suggestion. “What’s wrong with his legs?” my grandmother asked every week. “They’re skinny like the rest of him,” my mother replied every week. And I wonder why I have such a bad body image.
ReplyDeleteThat cake looks delicious. I love prune spice cake. Mail me a piece? :)
ReplyDeleteI do think science is becoming much smarter about weight and obesity, just as it is about gender. We're learning a lot more about ourselves and all the factors that make us who we are. And yes, "Chubettes" is a horrifying word. Who thought THAT was a good idea?!
I love the new pillow!
as a fellow member of the 'pretty plus' and 'husky' sizing, I feel you. I think I started not giving a shit about it between 9th-10th grade and then having a girl in the dorm who ended up being force fed when we were in state custody together when I was in 11th grade pretty much sealed the deal about me giving a shit about my body not being thin.... it's liberating and terrifying all at the same to not have that 'join the eating disorder club' in your head and I hope the meds can help silence that voice for you <3 xxalainaxx
ReplyDeleteWhen i come to your blog it feels like I'm stopping by to say hi to a friend. And it is always always balm to my soul. I hope your new med does what you need it to do physicallyand mentally. Weight, too much of it, is a mother effer. And you described really well the mental and self-worth element.
ReplyDeleteMy problem was exactly the opposite. I would get teased, they would say if you turned sideways you'd disappear. I just did not gain weight. And some of that was because I didn't eat very much because my father didn't get home from the hospital until about 7 so we never had dinner til 7:30 and by that time my hunger had passed. And coupled with my father always choosing dinner time to berate us who could eat? End result, my body trained itself to not be hungry. Even now it's hard for me to eat in social situations. It wasn't until I was diagnosed with osteoporosis and joined a gym that I started gaining weight and enjoying food. The trainer demanded I eat a specific amount, three meals and a snack when I was used to a bowl of cereal for breakfast and dinner. And yeah, metabolism. Mine is high. I joke that I eat three times a day and my body eats five times a day. I weighed between 95 and 102 on a 5'4" frame until I joined the gym in my late 50s. I weighed myself on the scale at SHARE Thursday (we have to weigh all the food donations). 129 clothed!
ReplyDeleteWomen, girls and weight, endless issues. My mother used sarcasm when she looked at her two daughters, she was vicious. Now I blame the war and having no real food for a couple of years. But she succesfully set us on a path of self hatred. I was the skinny kid, my sister the sporty, muscular one. Neither of us was fat but we were terrified of ever becoming fat and surely that would mean that my mother would declare us failures.
ReplyDeleteTo this day - we are 67 and 70 year old sisters - the first thing we do when we meet is compare, ever so slightly, our weight, how we fit our clothes, our upper arms, necks, all the tell tale spots of neglect and gluttony. It's cruel, we know this, sometimes we can laugh about it but we both know it'll always be that way.
I'm glad you are able to share your experience as it will help others that are going through similar times. Your honesty is so helpful, Mary.
ReplyDeleteToday (May 24th) is my oldest son's birthday, too, and he is 46 today. I'm so amazingly lucky to have him in my life and am so thankful for him.
Finally, science is catching up with body weight concerns. You are doing remarkably well MM.
ReplyDeleteMy mother was a surgical RN and very nutrition focused. She strictly dictated balanced meals based on the pyramid. Snacking was limited. It was a bit harsh, but I think she meant well.
The poke bowl looks delicious and perfect for a hot summer day.
All the best to May for a very happy B-day. The prune cake looks beautiful. I've never had prune cake but already know I'd love it.
Yes, Weight, either in excess or absence of it, can be a source of bullying as a Child especially. I was a very skinny Kid, so were my Daughters and the Granddaughter I Raised, rail thin. I remember The Daughter coming Home upset coz she'd been called as Skinny as an anorexic Ethiopian, which, at the time she had no idea what that even meant, just the Tone was indicative of bullying by the Kid who said it and everyone laughed. I used to have grown Men I didn't even know come up to me as a Young Adult and put their Hands around my entire Waist and marvel at how small I was, it was very intrusive and inappropriate, as much as Fat Shaming is. I do worry about Obesity or Anorexia in Children due to the Health Concerns it will clearly cause them. But it's important for everyone to feel self-esteem and a Love of Self. Now I'm Old and had a Hysterectomy, the Hormonal Changes caused weight gain and Type II Diabetes and I realize how difficult the other end of the spectrum can be to manage excess Weight successfully. I do Hope this works well for you and you attain a healthy Weight you feel at Peace about, it's important for our Emotional Health to feel we are Healthy and look nice.
ReplyDeleteI grew up with constant weight chatter - it definitely shaped us and our mentality around food. And yes, it has definitely shaped me and my daughters. I was talking to a work colleague recently about it and was saying that for us, food is so tied up not just in nutrition and sustenance, it is comfort, it is punishment, it is guilty and and some of it tastes so good and a lot of it promises to taste good but disappoints - circle back and start again.
ReplyDelete