Not Snowing Here, Thank You Very Much

I have nothing to write about tonight. Not a damn thing. Today's been fine but it's been very quiet and I realize as I write this that I have not spoken to one human, even on the phone.
Which is fine.
I've heard from Jessie and all is well with them. They are camping tonight, I think, with friends.
Hank texted me that he slept very, very well and is feeling good today.
Mr. Moon sent me a picture.

Uh...no. 

I'm sure he's having a wonderful time but I am quite glad to be right where I am. It was a beautiful day today, never got much above seventy but again with that sky as blue as the eyes of Sweet Hippie Jesus. 

The first time I ever encountered snow in any real quantity was when I went to college in Denver. I've written about that before, I'm sure, but honestly snow now just reminds me of one of the worst depressions of my life. It must have lasted at least two years. Maybe more. The depression, not the snow. I was a lost little lamb in Denver. I felt as if I'd been dropped onto an alien planet and there was no way I could be cool enough or savvy (I hate that word) enough or anything enough to fit in there. I didn't miss my parents but I did miss my little brothers and also my friends who were all misfits like me who came from families that were broken or sad or dysfunctional in one of the myriad of ways that dysfunctional families can be. I'd had a boyfriend who'd made it quite clear that he wasn't interested in a long-distance relationship when I left Winter Haven. He'd been my first and I've been thinking of him a lot lately which I almost never do. He turned out to be fairly insane and I'd broken up with him a few times over the time we were together but he'd represented a sort of crazy conundrum of safety and wildness to me and in Denver I found myself yearning for him even as I discovered that he was sleeping with a good friend of mine and had eventually found a new girlfriend. These facts pierced my heart and of course in those days there was no e-mail or texting or easy long-distance calling or Facebook. Letters. We wrote letters. 

Or, as in this case, one person wrote letters and the other person never answered them. 

I'll never forget one snowy afternoon I was walking to a place called The Open Clinic where I volunteered, answering phones and talking to people who had problems ranging from feeling suicidal to wondering what sort of drug they may have just ingested might be, to being on the very sharp ragged edge of a bad trip, when I saw through the gray, snowy sky a man walking with a stand-up bass on his back and a sort of suitcase-like thing in his hand and my heart almost burst out of my chest, thinking it was my boy, come to claim me after all. He was a bass player, he carried his bass like that sometimes. 

But it wasn't him. 

All these years later I can feel the disappointment and sorrow in my heart that it hadn't been him. That realizing no, he was never going to show up. That no, he did not want to claim me as his own. 

I spent that first winter trying so hard to embrace this different life I found myself in. I did make some friends. I bought a coat heavy enough for the weather and a pair of hiking boots too. But I never could make myself feel at home there. The snow was lovely when it first fell and the earth seemed to quiet and soften but then it just turned into ice and I was so cold and I never did fit in and I never did figure out how to either walk on ice or drive on it.

So for me, snow is loneliness and sorrow, it is Joni Mitchell singing "River" while I quietly weep and embroider snowflakes on a denim work shirt for a boy who doesn't love me. 

It's something that falls on mountains in a form called powder which delights people who grew up skiing on mountains while I grew up skiing on water behind a boat in a place where snow was nothing more than a rumor or a picture in a book. 

I have not seen that boy in over forty years. Oddly, I am still friends with his brother and his mother, although I rarely see them. When I ask about him they hem and haw. No one seems to see him. He was indeed, crazy I guess and still is. 

As glad as I am that I escaped that particular nightmare, I still think of him with some very deep emotion. When I do think of him, that is. He was an important part of my life and I can't deny that or disregard it. And if it had been him, walking through the snow on that gray afternoon in Denver, my life would have taken a much different turn. 

Well, I'm pretty fucking glad that that did not happen. I suffered and I survived. I ended up in a place my children like enough to have stuck around so that I can see them whenever I want. And I am long-married to a man who is definitely not crazy and whom I love with all of my heart. 

Yesterday when Jessie got here with her boys I went outside to greet them and held my arms out to Levon and said, "Happy birthday!" and he actually ran to me and let me pick him up and kiss, kiss, kiss him on the neck. 

And that made up a million times over for a boyfriend who was not a boyfriend walking through the snow with a bass on his back. 

Love...Ms. Moon

Not The Birthday We Were Expecting

That is what Levon looked like two years ago today when he was fresh born and trying to figure out the mystery of it all. Can't you just see the entire world of wonder in those eyes?

I woke up this morning to the clearest blue sky, the finest cool air. I was so happy that it was Levon's birthday and that we were going to have a little party for the boy. I hastened to get my chores done. I swept some and I made the frosting for the cake and iced it. I made myself a good breakfast with an egg and many vegetables and I ate it all in a tortilla with salsa. Everything was perfection. I went back and reread my post from the day that Levon was born. You can find it HERE if you want. Such a fast and beautiful birth. I will never forget how Jessie was cleaning up the kitchen after she made pancakes and went on to folding laundry and then the next thing we knew, it was time for Levon to be born. What a perfect day!

Right around the time people were supposed to get here around one, Hank called. He'd been having ocular migraines- not the headache part, just the visual wavy-lines, bright-lights part. I get those too, maybe once every year or so and that's how he's done it too but since Wednesday he'd been having them frequently and was a bit freaked out. So was I because if anything is wrong with any of my kids I get so anxious. We talked about it a bit and he said he'd go to the doctor next week and we sort of ended there but later he texted to say that May would take him to the doctor on Monday and then the next thing you know, I was saying that no, I'd take him today. Both of us needed reassuring that there was nothing really wrong. And Rachel is in LONDON! Her best friend bought them both tickets as a wedding present for Rachel so she wasn't here to take Hank, and May was working.
So right after all the kids got here I got dressed and went into town and picked him up and we went to a doc-in-the-box where because of the ACA he was able to pay only a ten dollar co-pay (thank you, bless you, President Obama!) and because we were the only people there we got to see the nurse and then the PA right away.
His blood pressure was high and the PA got a good history from him and said that they'd start out by putting him on some medication for that and then we were able to leave, much relieved that things didn't seem very dire.

We'd gotten a text while I was gone that said that they'd had a bit of an incident here in Lloyd. While playing in the bamboo forest, a nest of ground bees had been disturbed and all of the Weatherfords had been stung.
I texted back, "Is everyone crying and screaming?"
"Not anymore," Lily answered.

Ooh-boy.

Those fucking ground bees. Or wasps. Or whatever they are. They're a true danger, especially to anyone who is allergic. Luckily, it didn't appear as if Jessie or Levon or August are although I do think there was some trauma.

But the cake was decorated eventually.

They used my bag of vintage cake-toppers and of course that made me happy. Owen's been sticking those things into cakes for years now and August and Maggie have also had their fingers in the bag, choosing between chickens and dancers and little girls with pink bonnets (those were actually mine when I was a little girl) and then sticking them firmly into cake frosting. I have a video of the birthday cake with lit candles being presented to the birthday boy and then him blowing them out. 

The cake seemed to go over well. 

It was a very simple cake- devil's food with vanilla butter cream frosting but it had my heart in it. 

By the time I got home, Lily had taken her kids off because Owen had a Dungeons and Dragons thing going on but Jessie and her boys were still here. August was wrapped up in a soft blanket, sitting in Boppy's chair watching some TV and he showed me some of his stings. 

"Was it terrifying?" I asked him. 

"Yes. It was," he said. 

Jessie had given him a small dose of Benadryl and he was a bit fuzzy around the edges. Poor child. Jessie said she didn't even know how many stings he got. Levon seemed fine. 

They had waited until I got home to unwrap Levon's present. I wish I had a picture of how I wrapped it. It was huge so I used a very festive tablecloth and a few yards of red satin blanket binding to do the job. 

Needs must. 

He was happy with this front-end loader and dump truck and as soon as the tablecloth came off he said, "Open, Mama! Open!"

After that it was time for them to go home and August started complaining of pain in the area of his left jaw. Jessie and I both looked and could see nothing. He has all his teeth so it's not that. He's had a little sinus thing going on and so who knows? It could be an ear infection at this point. He was unhappy though, to say the least. When he got in his car seat I told him that some days are just very hard. 

"Like this one?" he asked. 

"Yes, like this one. But sometimes you just get a very good night's sleep and when you wake up, everything feels better."

He told his mother he wanted to go home to get cozy and could he have a blanket to be cozy in in the car? She went and found him one and then Levon had to have a cozy blanket too so I went back in the house and found him one and wrapped it around him and I kissed my daughter and said, "When you have a baby, you don't expect to have days and feelings like this, do you?"

I could immediately relate, having just been so worried about my son. This is the sort of thing that never goes away or gets easier. A mother's worry, concern, desire above all else to make it right and well and okay. 

And then come the grandchildren and all of that worry and concern and desire to make it right simply increases with each of them as they go through the normal life-passages, some of which are painful or feverish or scary and on top of worrying about the child, you worry about your own child- the parent now- because you remember what it felt like to have a kid who wasn't feeling well. 

It never ends, does it? 

Well, it may not have been the perfect birthday but I think the children had fun. Except for the terrifying parts. 

I am sorry I missed it. Well, again- maybe not the terrifying parts. 

But I am glad I got to be with Hank. Despite the reason we were together, we enjoyed each other's company and were both quite cheerful by the time it was all over. 

It's getting colder. My heat is working but Lord, Lord! the weird sounds it's making are a bit disturbing. But I'm not worried. I can always turn on the gas logs and close the doors, room by room, to make cozy places of warmth. 

I just got a text from Jessie saying that August had a little nap in the car, woke up feeling pitiful but then got some Motrin and had a lavender soda bath and a yogurt and is now in fine fettle. 

I'm so glad. 

I think I'm just going to fancy up a frozen pizza for my dinner tonight. I can't face much chopping and roasting or mixing and concocting. But trust me- POWER greens will be involved. 

And then bed. 

Jack's already waiting for me. 

Stay warm, y'all. 

Happy birthday, Levon! 

And because sometimes I just really do need some Keith Richards, here's something I've posted probably more than once. 

So what? I give it to you again. 

Love...Ms. Moon

Domestic Goddessing, Ms. Moon Style

My house smells gorgeous right now with butter and sugar and chocolate and vanilla and almond. It almost reminds me of the fair, not just because of the way it all smells of sweet, hot decadence but because it is that time of year and indeed, the fair is in Tallahassee right now and so I'm flashing back to walking through the booths where they sell the fried and spun and dipped and fried again foods, through the midway with the games and lights and rides, the neon flashing and the music booming, the children with big eyes and teenagers with arms around each other, the big pavilions where they show the farm animals with their liquid eyes, the chickens with their gaudy feathers, the pies and cakes and breads and jams and the artwork, too.
The fair can be grand if you're in the mood but it can be a nightmare, too.
The very threat of losing a child in the crowd was enough to take the shine off the fair for me once I became a mama but I will admit that I do love the quieter parts of it- the 4-H things, the little kid rides, the way my grandkids flash huge smiles as they go past where we're standing, watching them go around and around in a little car on a track or on a pretty pony on a merry-go-round.
Overall, though, right now I am most happy to be home on this evening in my house with the rain coming down outside.

I slept so deeply last night that I don't even think I turned over once. My sheets were barely disturbed. But I did wake a few times to hear rain falling and it's been raining off and on since then. The cold weather is right behind it.

I went to town this morning to meet up with Lily and Lauren and Maggie and Jessie and Levon. August was at school. We gathered at Jessie's house.

Levon and Maggie had a wonderful time playing together. Maggie found the doctor kit and gave me a thorough exam proclaiming that I had a templeture but she cured me right up with a round of injections. Levon also listened to my heart with the stethoscope but he didn't have much to say about what he heard. We ladies all talked a lot and while we were there, Jessie had a conversation on the phone with the doctor (a genuine doctor in this case) about how she is doing on the diet and so forth. I asked her if he had told her he was proud of her. 

"Sort of," she said. 

She's working so hard at this, giving it every real chance. I told her I was proud of her. And I am. 

Lily and Lauren and I decided to throw diet and caution to the winds and went to Maria, Maria for lunch. I just love that place. I got a chili rellano which was perfection and a Maria's tostada which was too damn good. I love the way the food there tastes like it should- real. Not gooped up with too much sour cream and lardy refried beans and yellow(ed) rice. And it reminds me so much of Cozumel. The place was packed when we got there, empty but for us when we were finished eating. So hopefully, they're doing good business and can continue to serve the food that makes me so happy. 

After we ate I went to JoAnn's Fabrics and bought a pattern and flannel to make Maggie and August their dresses. I also got enough material to make them both a pair of pants to wear under the dresses. Winter clothing. 

Well, Florida winter clothing. 

Tuesday Morning is next door to JoAnn's so I stopped in there, too, feeling like maybe this shopping thing was indicating a micro-manic incident but when I walked out thirty minutes later after having purchased nothing, I felt like it probably hadn't. 

And then home where I put the washed sheets into the dryer and made the chocolate cake for Levon's birthday. I offered to make it and Jessie took me up on it. She's got so much going on right now and it honestly makes me happy to bake a birthday cake. It won't be fancy but it will be good. The tiny party will be held here tomorrow. It's just family and there will not be a bouncy house or really anything at all except for some food and the cake and presents. Two-year olds don't need a lot. The kids can play and Levon won't have to wonder why there seems to be so much pressure on him to fulfill some mysterious need of the adults in his life for him to be thrilled about something he doesn't begin to understand. By the time he's ten, a bouncy house will be in order but for now- simple is the best. 

I can't believe it's been two years since that little boy was born. It's so fun getting to watch him grow, seeing who he is and falling in love with him. He learned a new phrase today from Maggie who hates to leave Jessie's house. 

"One more minute," he kept saying to his mother as she was trying to get him into the car to go pick up August from school. "One more minute!" 

Happy Friday, y'all. 

Love...Ms. Moon

When Your House Is Your Friend

Mr. Moon left this morning sometime around 2:00 a.m. and last I heard, he was in Seattle with enough of a layover to get something to eat. So, he's off on his adventure and I am here in my little world and happy to be so.
Jessie brought the boys out around noon for a visit. We played and read books and snack-lunched. We walked down to the Post Office. I thought about how I used to stroll and then walk with Owen to the post office every day that he stayed with me. And then it was Owen AND Gibson. It's not much of a walk. Less than a block, really. Levon wanted to push his stroller which is missing a few parts but that does not concern him in the least.

The pushing is the important part, of course. 

Here are both boys in the Post Office. 

There was absolutely nothing in our box so I said, "Well, let me at least get a picture," and for once, they were compliant. 

We walked around the volunteer fire station for a bit. There's a nice bit of grass there. It's also the helipad in case someone needs LifeFlight. I find that rather reassuring while at the same time I hope never to need it. And of course while we were exploring, Levon zoomed right in on a big piece of heavy machinery which I have driven or walked past hundreds of times and never really registered. 

He walked around it as far as he could in order to get many different views. 

He reported that it was "big." 

I had an appointment to get my teeth cleaned at four so after Jess and her cubs left I got ready for that and then drove to town. I was a bit apprehensive about it but mostly because my dental hygienist and I have such different opinions about things and I never even knew this until we became Facebook friends. 

Sigh.

But all went well. We seem to both be treating each other with extra-soft kid gloves and talk about our grandchildren, traveling, stuff like that. In a way, it says something valid that despite vast disagreements concerning the most divisive issues (politics and religion, mostly) we can still retain a sort of friendliness which does not seem too forced or false to me. We hugged when we parted. And of course I only see her once every six months, but in a way, it's a fairly intimate relationship when you think about it. I have issues with all things concerning my mouth and teeth and so I have to feel trust and I have to feel reasonably comfortable with a person who gets up close and personal in that space. 

And I do. 

I saw Doc and thanked him again for gluing that crown back on. I can't help but like this man. He's been my dentist for many years and we slap palms when we see each other now. 

Which is sort of funny but it is a form of connection, at least. 

"Good-bye, Mary," he said when I left the office. 

"Good-bye, Doc," I said before slipping out the door. 

And that was that. 

I stopped by Costco to buy a Costco-sized bag of POWER greens because when Mr. Moon is gone I throw a couple of handfuls of those in everything I cook. Power greens. Haha! I get the visual image of a Florida pioneer woman cooking up a big pot of collards and mustards and telling her family to be sure and eat up their power greens! And the sweet potatoes too because those are SUPER FOODS! 

Who knew? 

By the time I got home, dusk was settling in and the moon was rising, silver white and reassuring with its eternal face. I pulled into my driveway and was happy to be home. Levon informed me today that my house is "very tall." I suppose to an almost two-year old who hasn't spent much times in cities that a two-story house is indeed very tall. I told him he was correct. 

It's funny that when Mr. Moon is gone I seem to appreciate my house more than when he's here. I suppose part of that is simply that I'm not thinking about making his supper or packing his lunch or wondering if he has enough ironed shirts for the week as I make my way from kitchen to bedroom to bathroom and back again in this old tall house with its added on bedrooms and bathrooms and porches, built to accommodate bigger families over the years. When I'm the only one here, it is quieter, of course, and it seems to me that the house and I both are able to let our hair down a bit. It's almost as if we become companions, crone-cronies. We are both rather old but we are still strong and capable of doing what it is we have always done. We have our crooked places, our scars and our quirks, our secrets and our mysteries, our strengths and our weaknesses, and our definite signs of aging, some of which make us even more comfortable. 

Chickens are roosting. The lettuces are up in the garden. Gonna be cold tomorrow night. 

For us, anyway. 

I am content. 

Love...Ms. Moon

I Still Have A Give-A-Damn Meter, I Guess. And Other Stuff

Well. There you go. The arugula has come up after only four days. No wonder you people in GB call it "rocket." It grows like one.

It's been another good day although quite a different one. I decided this morning to try and stay off my knee as much as possible and I also found my old knee brace and Velcroed it in place. Not sure if the thing helps at all but it does serve as a reminder to be gentle on the old joint.
Jessie has offered to make me a doctor's appointment to get it checked out.
I told her, "As Maggie would say, 'No, please'."

So I've stayed close to home although I did take a beautiful little stroll up to the Post Office, enjoying the cooler air, the fallen pink sasangua petals on the sidewalk, the blue skies with the ancient oaks reaching up to try and touch them.

The heating repair guy came out. He was the most polite fellow ever. There was a m'am after everything he said to me and when he talked on the phone to Mr. Moon, a sir. 
I know that bothers some people but around here, it's just a sign of good home-raising. And respect. Hell yes, I may not be elderly but I'm olderly.
He got the heater to come on and then he checked out all of the air vents in the house and then went under the house because Mr. Moon has asked for an estimate to get all of the ductwork replaced under there.
Let me just say that if you throw in a new heat pump, we're talking approximately the same amount of money my parents paid for a house on a lake in Winter Haven, Florida in 1967.
Oh god. I DO sound elderly.
Yes. Times have changed. So have prices.
But it was not an unpleasant exchange with Repair Guy and when he left I told him, "If I was your boss, I'd be really happy to have you as an employee."
I think he appreciated that. Of course, he could be a serial killer but I sort of doubt it.

I did laundry and cleaned out the hen house and finally sat my ass on the couch about 4:00. So much for staying off my knee. I got back to my overall embroidery project while watching a documentary on Netflix called "Echo in the Canyon." For someone my age, it's extremely enjoyable. All sorts of musicians who started out in California and specifically Laurel Canyon are in it as well as Tom Petty (whom the film is dedicated to) and Ringo Starr and Eric Clapton. Also, Jakob Dylan, who is sort of the thread who stitches it all together. He is the interviewer of the people like Stephen Stills and David Crosby and Michelle Phillips and Lou Adler. I haven't finished watching it but I have determined that the trait of being enigmatic is surely genetic after carefully studying Jakob's face as he goes about his interviewing and his playing. He looks and sounds a lot like his famous daddy and he ain't giving away any more of himself than Bob does. And quite frankly, he has a most interesting (and to my mind) beautiful face to watch.

I love the way several of the older musicians who were interviewed put their hands on Jakob's neck or shoulder. He is one of the children of a man who meant, and probably still means, a lot to them all. And he has grown up to be one of them- a musician in his own right. 

Mr. Moon is home and he's all packed up and ready to leave which will happen about two a.m. He has a five o'clock flight tomorrow morning and he has to get to Tallahassee and park and get an Uber to the airport in time to be early enough to get all checked in. 

I am not envious of that at all. 

I am going to miss him so very much but I'm already planning projects to do while he's gone. I want to get a pattern and flannel to make Maggie and August matching winter dresses. I had Jessie ask the boy whether he'd rather have pants that matched Maggie's dress or a dress for himself and he said he wants a dress. How I love that boy! And his mama and daddy for not having the slightest problem with that. 

I've got yet another loaf of sourdough in the oven and I'm going to make a seared scallops and greens and tomatoes pasta thing for my husband's last night at home for awhile. 

Okay- here's a question- why is it that you never see all the dust and spider webs until a stranger comes to your house? As the heater guy went from room to room measuring vents and so forth I was horrified to see the amount of dust AND spider webs as he shone his flashlight about to count and measure. And also- why do we feel the need to point these things out and apologize? 

Who cares what a heat tech guy thinks? 

I guess I do. 

Which means I still have a few fucks left to give. 

Dammit. 

Love...Ms. Moon

The Joy Of A Very Normal Day

I got a lot done today including another walk and by the time Magnolia got here a little after 1:00, I'd made the chili for tonight's supper and gotten most of my chores done so that I could indulge my granddaughter and I pretty much did.
For all of her strong-headedness, she is actually pretty dang easy to take care of. Especially if you do everything she wants you to do. She wanted to go look for eggs and she wanted to lay on the bed and read books and cuddle with Jack. She adores Jack. She wanted me to cook her an egg and so I did.
"Here's your egg," I said.
"Not now," she told me. "I want to go outside."
And so she went out to the back yard and checked things out there and then came back and asked if her egg was cool enough to eat yet and it was. She ate every morsel. That girl loves a scrambled egg. She wanted to sit on the porch swing and so we did that too. I brought my hairbrush because I was making my way to being ready to take her into town to hand her off to her mama at the movie theater and go to an appointment with Mr. Moon and she asked if she could brush my hair.
"Of course!" I told her.
"What do you want to look like?" she asked, brush in hand.
"I want to look like you because you're beautiful," I said.
"No. Rapunzel," she said after studying me carefully. And then- "No, Elsa!"
Fine by me.
She brushed my hair for awhile and then announced that I was ready.

We got in the car to leave and she said, "Wait! Can I take my baby home with me?"
"Sure. Which baby do you want?"
"You stay here," she said, "And I will go pick her."
"Okay. But hurry."
And she did. She scurried into the house and brought out an American Girl doll that had been Lily's if I remember correctly and she buckled her into a seatbelt and got back in her seat and then she herself was buckled up and I got in my seat and she reminded me to buckle up and so I did.

Lily and Gibson had gone to see the animated version of "The Addams Family" and they both declared it to be good. And spooky.
"I love Wednesday!" said Gibson.
"I love Wednesday too," I said.
"You know who Wednesday is????!!!"
Oh yes. I do know who Wednesday is.

Then I drove to the hospital where Mr. Moon's in-town neurologist has his office and met my man there. The appointment was with the doctor's nurse practitioner whom I like a lot and we were supposed to be going over the results from Mayo but of course Mayo hasn't sent over a damn thing so mainly we just told the NP what we knew and how it had gone and she asked a few questions and that was that.

Jessie and Vergil are getting their windows replaced this week and I had told Jessie that she could hang out at my house if they wanted while this process was going on this afternoon. She said that sounded good and I told her to make herself at home and that she knew where everything was AND there were muffins in the refrigerator. I got this picture.

I ran by the store on the way home and when I got here, they were watching "Daniel Tiger" on the TV and eating popcorn. Mer's house is fun. Well, Mer and Bop's house. They left though, soon after I got home and right after Mr. Moon got home. He'd stopped by Bass Pro World to buy some gloves. Supposedly it's going to be somewhere around zero degrees up there in Canada. I told him that if his feet freeze off he won't have to worry about whatever it is that's wrong with him. I don't think he found that to be very funny. 

And so that's what's going on here. It's thundering off in the distance and and we've gotten approximately eighteen rain drops. It's back up in the high seventies again and hit eighty-something today. At least the lack of heating isn't a problem at the moment. It's muggy as hell. A guy is going to come by tomorrow to see what's wrong with the damn unit because it's supposed to get down into the thirties here before Mr. Moon gets back. 

For whatever reason I've had almost no anxiety today. Even the usually terrifying prospect of not only driving by the hospital but actually driving to it, parking in the parking garage and entering it didn't cause me much angst. 

I hear that Owen's appointment with his neurologist in Jacksonville (not Mayo, Nemours Children's Hospital) went well. They want to wait until he's had no seizure activity for two years before they start to wean him off his meds to see how that goes and that will be in January. 

I feel like we are so lucky there. 

I think back on when he was having seizures before he got on medication and I can barely stand to hold the memories in my mind. Just so frightening. I may even have a bit of PTSD about it and yet, it was all so mild compared to what some people go through. Nothing. Not the tiniest fingernail clipping of a pinkie finger of a scare. Parents and grandparents who have children whose seizures are far more severe and often impossible to control have CTSD which is Continuous Tramatic Stress Disorder as I have learned from our Elizabeth. 

And that's a whole other reality.
So yes, we are lucky and so is Owen.

The knee that I thought was about to blow out is not looking good. Lots of swelling all the way around it. Some pain. Not too much, though. That knee has gone in and out for decades but it hasn't really bothered me in a very long time. I'm going to rest it tomorrow, as in not take a walk, and just not worry about it.

Isn't it funny how some days even the tiniest thing can set anxiety off to a roaring level ten while on other days, it's all just...okay.
The days where parking in a hospital parking garage isn't a ridiculously impossible task. The days when the sight of one car letting another car into traffic is enough to make you have hope for the human race. The days when a busy schedule doesn't make a person want to crawl in bed and weep. The days when a notice from the library that a book you had on hold is in can bring you great satisfaction.
Today was one of those good days.

Time to go make the cornbread to go with the chili.
And the thought of that makes me happy too.

I hope you've had a good day. We all deserve one now and then, at least.

Love...Ms. Moon

Keeping On Keeping On

Today I tried to reclaim myself or something like that.
I took a walk, albeit a fairly short one. I took the trash and recycle. I did laundry. I went to Publix. I also went to Goodwill because I was feeling as if there was a huge hole in my soul and a cashmere sweater might have gone to some lengths to stuff that hole up with softness and comfort.
I couldn't find one cashmere sweater.
Not one. Not even in the wrong size or in a hideous color.
I did buy a shirt but I'm not very excited about it.

I came home and finished the laundry and moved everything I can move out of the kitchen and the adjoining bathroom, and swept and mopped that whole space.
Hurray. 
Not even the smell of Fabuloso and white vinegar and the way the floor feels now on bare feet is making me feel any better. It'll just be filthy again in a few days. As we all know.

So I don't think I've reclaimed myself.

Instead, I feel like one of my knees is about to blow out and I've still got the saddies.
As Sue used to say.

Tomorrow I'm going to hang out with Ms. Magnolia June for awhile. Jason is going to be taking Owen to Jacksonville for an appointment with his neurologist and Lily wants to take Gibson to a movie as a reward for making all A's and B's on his report card. It's a good thing to spend time alone with each child and Gibson deserves that. He's such a sweet boy. Yesterday I kept finding him with his arms around me, looking up at me, saying, "I love you Mer."
This was generally followed with a "Can I have a pickled okra?" but that's okay. I know he does truly love me, just as I love him and it means so much to me that he has my middle name as his first name. I told him yesterday in fact that when his parents told me what they were naming him after he was born, I cried. I was astonished!
And I bought more pickled okra at the store today.
So Maggie and I will have a good time together. She left her dollies and a bear in the library yesterday and they are like little tableaux just waiting for her to come back and reanimate.

I wonder if I'm a little sad because my husband is leaving in just a few days to go back to Canada. As I've said a million times before, I do not mind being alone at all and actually cherish the experience. Still, I will miss him. 

Well, this will pass and in a day or two my tiny seeds will have done their miracle thing and will be pushing tiny green leaves through the dirt. I love the way the greens all look like little sets of ears when they first appear. No matter how old I get, how many times I do this, it's always a cheerful and even amazing thing to me. And of course, I always plant too many seeds and never thin the sproutlings enough but hey! Maybe this year I'll be a bit more heartless about pinching out enough seedlings to allow the ones remaining to truly thrive. 

It just seems so cruel which is absolutely ridiculous.

Cruel to be kind. Right? 

Sometimes, sure. 

Many times not. 

It is good and wise to know the difference. 

Love...Ms. Moon

Family Business

We had a family gathering today. Not for a holiday or birthday but to discuss business things. My husband is wise beyond even my knowing sometimes and he wanted to gather the children and spouses to go over some of our financial situations. Mostly real estate things- the house on Dog Island, the property in Apalachicola, Moon Plaza.
He has come to the conclusion that it is time for the children to have a say in our decisions as to what to do with various properties because they will be involved in these things after we are gone. And so we all got together except for Lily who had to work, and first we snacked on sourdough bread and smoked salmon and cheese and cucumbers and apples and pickles and then went out to sit around the table there because it was a perfect day for being outside.

One of the things that spurred this conversation was that our partner in the Dog Island house is quite ill and cannot really get any use out of the island any more. Getting to Dog Island and carrying all of the water and food and whatever else a person might need is not an easy task. There is no bridge and it all has to be toted over water. And then there are many steps up to the house.
Not to mention that right now, the house is not livable due to hurricane damage which has taken out the pump for the well (the water is not potable but one does use it to wash and clean with), the washing machine and dryer are not functioning, nor is the hot water heater. As to electricity and so forth- we are not sure.
So our friend and partner would like us to buy him out if we want to hold on to the house and that had to be discussed.
Do we want to keep it?
Will they use it?
What is to be done about repairing damages as well as fixing things up like taking out the ancient shag carpet, perhaps turning two bathrooms into one larger and more functional one, replacing flooring, etc.?
Dog Island is a unique and wonderful place. A tiny barrier island with nothing on it but the trees, the plants, the critters, marshes, pine woods, dunes, and the things an island comes with straight from nature. There are some houses and there is electricity and a primitive and basic system of dirt roads. There's a dock where people can tie up their boats, a small landing strip where people who want to fly tiny planes in can land, some waste and recycle containers that have to be barged to land for dumping, and a parking lot where people keep their junky cars to get from the dock to their houses.
That's it. No commerce at all.
But it is the uniqueness, its peace and its privacy, its primitive amenities, its difficult access which make it daunting to just pick up and go visit.
Personally, as a grandmother and a woman who loves the parts of Florida that are disappearing so quickly, I want to hold on to the place so that my grandkids can know what life can be like away from the world we generally live in and learn to love the trees and sky and water of bay and Gulf and the many forms of life which are, for the most part, undisturbed in their natural state. A place where there is nothing at all to do except to enjoy that nature, read, rest, cook and eat, fish, crab, and watch the weather as it comes and goes.
So. All of that was discussed. Everyone got to ask questions and give their opinion.
It was all serious, but it was also extremely interesting and, dare I say? We laughed a lot.

We moved on to the property in Apalachicola. That too was discussed as to financial options and outcomes, and opinions were again sought and given. 

On to Moon Plaza which is a small bit of property we own that Mr. Moon first built a business on to sell cars and then built a tiny strip of commercial rental property as well as a bank building with a drive-through. The bank changed hands and has been empty now for awhile but we've gotten an offer to rent it and that needed to be discussed as it involves some rather long-term ramifications. 

So again- Mr. Moon laid it all out concisely and with explanations that the rest of us who are not at all wise in the ways of business, could understand. 

And this is what amazed me today- seeing my husband in his role as business man. I was gobsmacked at how focused and knowledgeable he was. He had made notes, he had all the answers to all the questions. He listened to each person with equal attention. He said things like, "I hear what you are saying," and he meant it and he surely didn't learn that at any sort of communications class. He just knows how to do it. 

And he made it all sound like the things he's done to support and sustain and provide for all of us as being simple and even easy when honest to god- it just hasn't been. He's simply worked his way through all of it and learned and studied and figured things out from contracts to permits to construction to management and so much more. 

I fell in love with my husband all over again and am boggling still at just how vast his knowledge and common sense and work ethic is. Not to mention his generosity and love for his family. 

He opened his first business right after we'd gotten married with absolutely no experience whatsoever beyond having worked at his father's gas station as a boy and by working eighty-hour weeks and sheer perseverance made that a success. Then he determined that the only true way to make money in business was to own your own property. 

And so he did the research and had the foresight to see which way Tallahassee was going to grow and we bought a piece of land in that area and there he built (with his dad's help) a tire and automotive repair shop which is what he'd been doing in the first rental location. 

And it went from there. 

He bought the property next door to that business and eventually sold the first piece of land and the business on it and went on to build what we've got now. 

We are not hugely wealthy but we are comfortable and he has done that with his sweat, his brain, his common sense, his belief in himself. And he was right- that part of Tallahassee is exploding. 

I always say that if it weren't for him, I'd be living in a van down by the river. 

And that's the truth. 

So it was a good and constructive day. Owen did a great job of keeping the little ones entertained and safe while the adults talked about things that would affect their futures. 

So it was a good Sunday. It was fun to just hang out with everyone and there was no pressure and no angst as far as I could see or feel. 

And there was this. 

Little man found a shovel and some dirt. 

And this. 

My Sasangua is blooming!

Last but not least...

The Save-The-Date magnets are ready to send! 

I cannot even believe that by this time next year Hank and Rachel will have been married for six months. 

Whoo! And Whoa! And...bless, bless, bless. 

A lot got accomplished today. And once again, I have been reminded how incredibly fortunate I was to meet Glen Moon and that we fell in love and that I had the wisdom and sense to marry him when he asked me. At that time he had a truck, a dog, a degree in something having to do with exercise education, a former career in basketball, and a house painting business but he promised me that he could and would always take care of me and my children and the children we might have together. 

I had almost no reason at all to trust anything that any man said but something inside of me said, "This one. This one you can trust."

And I did. 

And here we are. 

And he's still so very handsome. 

And I love him more than I could ever have imagined I would. 

Well, that's the report on the goings-on in Lloyd for today. 

Love...Ms. Moon 

Dream World/Real World

I woke up late this morning from absolutely the most bizarre spate of dreams that I've ever had.
And I've had some bizarre dreams.
In the one I was having when I woke up, I was trying to throw a birthday party for Jessie and she was about five years old. I had not organized a thing, my house was a disgusting mess, and parents were looking at me and saying things like, "I don't think we can leave our child here."
One couple glared at me so harshly that even before they said anything I told them that I would not blame them at all if they took their child home because things were such a mess and that really, the safety of one's child is the most important thing of all. I WANTED them to take their child home. I did not like them. All the while the guests were coming and I was trying to do laundry and cook for the party and I was realizing that Jessie's room was a complete disaster and that her clothes needed to be sorted through and the too-small things given away and I could not cope. What a horrible mother I was! At the same time all of this was going on, Hank seemed to be having some sort of LGBTQ fun gathering of friends which only added to my guilt because the house wasn't fit for them either.
But before that dream I'd dreamed that Oral Roberts had built a Mayan-themed tourist attraction right down the road from me and I was enraged because they had appropriated a culture which I deem most high to make their filthy lucre off of AND they had done strange things to animals to make them more exotic like tying the tails of parrots around their perches so that the tails resembled cork screws and of course that made me furious too. Mrs. Oral Roberts said, "Don't you just looove my birds? Aren't they beautiful?"
Then we move on to the surfing competition.
Don't ask me.
And the riding-a-bike-and-getting-lost dream.
I mean, please. My head was so jumbled and I was so exhausted when I woke up that I was seriously ready to go check in to a facility where they would give me drugs and let me sleep without dreaming.
Or at least I considered it.

Jessie texted before I even woke up asking if anyone wanted to go to Aunt Louise's farm which is a place nearby where every fall they have a corn maze and lots of animals and a little train and two big stock waterers full of corn to play in and all sorts of fun stuff. At first I couldn't even imagine doing something like that but in a while my dreams faded a bit and then when I went to take my meds I realized that I had not taken them the day before and so the spaciness I felt all afternoon yesterday and the crazy dreams and the spaciness I was still feeling could probably be attributed to that.

Haha! Funny joke, Ms. Moon's brain!

And eventually I pulled myself together and drove down the road to Aunt Louise's and I'm glad I did. It had turned sunny and was still cool and it was just a gorgeous day and Lily brought her babies and also, Darling Lenore who is staying with the Hartmann's while her parents are off celebrating their anniversary.
Pictures!

I so wish they had a vat of corn for adults to get in.

The Darling Lenore.

August helping to cover up Gibson.
I am sure that parents all over the place are finding corn in odd places as they get their kids ready for their baths tonight. I saw one boy with corn behind his ears. I told Owen about that later and he said, "So you noticed that too?"

The absolutely most friendly cat I've ever met.

Picture-taking opportunity!

I love this one. Lily was saying, "Owen, let your brother be the boy! Your hair is longer than that anyway!" And it is.

Fun on tires.

Maggie's curls were magnificent today. 

The requisite height picture taking opportunity. Do you realize that Owen only has to grow four more inches and he'll be as tall as I am? 

Jesus.

Anyway, it was all fun and there were alpacas with their huge eyes and Hollywood style eyelashes and miniature donkeys (yes! I want some!) and chickens and goats and Highland cattle and geese who looked like they were dressed in bridal gowns and a very large tortoise and some pigs and a little train hauled around by a tractor and a big wagon hauled around by a tractor (Levon's favorite) and a blacksmith and popcorn and cotton candy. 

Aunt Louise has got it goin' on! 

And then I came home, knowing that while I'd been gone, Mr. Moon had tilled the garden. 

And this happened. 

I got down on my knees and prayed those seeds into the dirt.
Here's the very primitive map I made of what I planted where. Without this, I would not have a clue until everything came up.

There are also broccolis and cabbages planted that are not on that page but since they were plants, not seeds, one can assume that I know what they are. One might be wrong although I did stick the labels into the ground too. I planted shorter rows than I usually do because we never need as much as I plant and everything in there at this point can be watered with one of the four-corner sprinklers which is a good thing.

I told my husband after I'd finished that I now felt at least 20% better than I had before I planted. Dear god but it's just something I have to do to feel whole and complete. I forgot to get beet seeds so I need to get back out there but for right now, this second, I feel good. I've had my shower and I had a good time with the grands outside in the sunshine with other people about and a Highland bull licked my arm and his tongue was rough. I hope the salt of my skin made him happy.

Perhaps those dreams got some sort of evil ya-ya's out of my system. I do not know. The one about the birthday party is perfectly understandable but the Oral Roberts Mayan-themed tourist attraction and the surfing competition and the bike dreams are completely beyond my ability to discern meaning from. Perhaps there is no meaning and they only occurred because my brain chemistry was disrupted.
Who knows?
Not me.
I don't know shit.
Except that being outside with my grandchildren and getting my greens in the ground are two things that make me feel as if I am being who I was put on this earth to be. As I also told my husband, I am probably not a very evolved woman. The most basic things are the very things that make me happiest.

I have no problem with that.

Love...Ms. Moon

Agitato For No Reason

Do you like the new header? I hope so. I was so weary of the old one but couldn't focus on what I wanted to replace it with. But, as things do go on the Google, one rabbit hole leads to another and I started searching images of paintings by the Highwaymen, which I love, and that one called to me. The artist's name is Robert L. Lewis. You can read about him HERE.  
I noted the fact that he is from Cocoa Beach which is a bit north of Roseland and that he grew up on the Indian River and of course, that's why the picture called to me.

I am agitated this evening. I am not sure why, but Mr. Moon just saved my sanity by finding  my ginger root in the freezer for me. I was about to start throwing frozen berries and sausage and mango puree across the kitchen. I am not kidding. Bless him.
I had a good day. I met Jessie and Levon (August was in school) in town and we went to the nursery to buy plants and seeds. And we were cold! It got down to the mid-forties here as was predicted and never got higher than sixty-something which is damn chilly for us. We all had a good time though, especially Levon because he got to pull a wagon AND push a toy wheelbarrow.

The boy is such a...boy. 

He just is. Call me a sexist, I don't care. I'm here to tell you that I've never seen a little girl want to do the things that Levon is most happy doing. Or, to be honest, is obsessed with. He even found bricks to put in the wagon because that would make the pulling of the wagon a more productive endeavor. Well, he didn't say that but I know it's true. He also loaded up that wheelbarrow with various things. His mama ended up buying him a nice little shovel which he employed in the task of shoveling gravel onto the walkways while we were waiting to check out. Jessie tells me that he loves to shovel chicken shit off the pathways in their yard. 

He is a helpful little man. 

So we bought some plants. I got some cabbages and broccoli because I'm an eternal optimist. We also bought seeds. I got collards, mustards, mesclun mixed lettuces, Bok Choy, carrots, arugula, and radishes. Maybe more. I can't remember. When I got home I threw away all of the old seeds. 

Good-bye! 

I had reached my limit with not seeing my daughter May and so Lily and Maggie met me at Midtown Pizza where she works and we had our lunch there. God, it was good to see her. May is just too much like me and when she's not working, she likes to be at home in her cozy nest with her husband and since she's working at lunchtimes, she hardly ever gets to participate in our big group lunches. 

Hugs and hugs and hugs. My heart took a deep breath of relief. 

And Maggie was happy. She ate her pizza and talked like a grown-up and was quite well-behaved. We discussed Halloween and things like that. 

Here she is, doing what her brother Gibson does, which is to take all of the shakers on the table and make a family of them and create little stories for them to act out. 

I just love this. She and Gibson are very imaginative. 

When I got home I tended to my latest sourdough. I experimented a bit more with this one, making up the dough last night and then putting it in the refrigerator. This one is all white flour (a sin! a sin!) and for some reason, I wanted to try mixing in some yogurt with it. I took it out of the refrigerator as soon as I got up this morning and when I got home this afternoon, it hadn't risen much. Of course it was sixty-degrees in the house so I set about putting the proofing bowl in warm water and then in a slightly warmed oven, etc. 

It is now baking and looks like it's going to be fine. 

I am learning. 

I am also making my favorite squash/sweet potato/cashew/coconut soup. That's what I needed the ginger for. This is the recipe that got me so interested in the NYT's cooking app. 

Soup will be good. It's going to get down in the forties tonight and guess what?

I turned the heat on and, as happens EVERY FUCKING YEAR it isn't working. 

Nope. Not working. 

We will not freeze. We have gas logs in the rooms we mostly inhabit and a full tank of propane. Last night I got the duck out of the closet where it had spent the winter smushed up in a plastic bag and shook it out and laid it on the bed. Heaven. For those of you who are new here, "the duck" is my down comforter. Also, I have my corduroy overalls and my Goodwill cashmere. The moths have apparently been dining on the cashmere all summer so I look even more raggedy than ever but I just don't care. I am warm. I am cozy. My husband still seems to love me.

The folks are arriving at the church next door. The sun has set. I have a martini in front of me. Perhaps I shall de-agitate. 

And look at this:

That looks edible. 

Now that bread is my life I need to get a bread knife like the ones on The Great British Bake-Off and also one of those razor-holders so that I can score my bread. I just looked that up and they are called Bread Lames. I think some of you have told me about them. 

Did you see that DT is going to make Florida his official residence? 

Sweet baby Jesus. Just what we need. 

Well, he'll start at the very top in the Florida Man Contest. 

And I'm here to spread the word that Florida is not ALL hurricanes and pythons and meth addicts attacking their girlfriends with alligators. At least for now we still have beautiful wild places and even vast areas of undeveloped areas where humans rarely go. 

Did you know that the Mormons now own 2% of Florida's land? 

Yeah. They do. 

Sometimes I'm just really glad to know that I won't be around to see the very last of what this once-magical place becomes. 

Until then, I'll be right here, cussin' and fussin' about it all and enjoying the parts of it that are still virtually untouched and unspoiled. 

Happy Friday, y'all. 

Love...Ms. Moon