Nothing Is Simple, Is It?

Here are today's zinnias. I still have a few going strong although I pulled some others today. They've lost their ability to stand up as they've gotten leggy and are trying to survive in this heat. I think I need to learn how to cut back zinnias to encourage more flowers, less stems. 

Today has felt like a little miracle. The combination of a lower temperature along with lower humidity has given us one of those days in late August that are like a tiny kiss of a promise of fall. Tomorrow the temperatures will start climbing back into the nineties though and after a few days of that, we'll have forgotten all about that promise and be convinced again that we will be living in perpetual hell forever and ever, amen. But today? Divine. I actually got some work done in the garden, getting it ready for the fall planting of lettuces, greens, and carrots. I cleared out some spent tomatoes and pea vines and weeded as much as I could before I felt like I should probably call it a day. Even in the sun an occasional cool breeze would drift through and I was as happy as I could be, listening to my book and getting dirt under my fingernails, feeling the satisfying letting-go of the earth as I freed weeds and spent pea and tomato plants from the dirt and tossed them in my weed bucket which is actually an old rusted-out canning kettle. I did make one terrible mistake which was to accidentally pull up the roots of my volunteer butternut squash plant which has grown so beautifully and has a few squashes on it, one of which I posted a picture of yesterday. 
Dammit. 
Well, what are you going to do? It was too close to a tomato vine and before I knew it, I had pulled the tomato and the squash. These things happen. 

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I've recently been thinking a lot about someone I knew a long time ago. In fact, I could almost say that I've been haunted by thoughts of him in the last week or so. It's intense. I've had dreams. I even sat down last night after supper and started writing out the story of how I came to know him, some details about him, and how horribly and shockingly the relationship came to an end. I think that putting those words down did indeed help a little. I am not sure why I have been thinking so intensely about him. This is very unusual. I can go eons without giving him a thought. He's been in prison for many, many years, and rightfully so, and I have a feeling he may have been released. 

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And of course, yes. I just looked him up and I believe I found a record of him in the prison system and he has been released. Just as my gut told me. I had heard from his brother well over a year ago that his release was coming up and that he didn't really want to leave prison. He'd been incarcerated over thirty years, more like almost forty. In the last forty years the world and our society have changed so much that it would be terrifying to try and re-enter it. When he was first incarcerated, the internet was just the dream of some crazy geniuses, phones were just phones and, well, I can't even begin to think how different things were culturally and socially. 
I can only imagine he was terrified at the thought of living in the outside world. He was always incredibly intelligent and I'm sure he's read everything he could get his hands on and may be far more up to speed than I think but still- this is a different world. 

I am not ready now nor may ever be able to talk about this person and how he came into my life and what sort of relationship I had with him. We were not romantically involved. Let's get that straight. And the reason he was in prison is another thing I can't bear to discuss. When I found out what he had truly been charged with and convicted for, I almost lost my mind for various reasons. I have not been in touch with him at all for at least thirty-five or more years. 

But.

The memories I have of him are so strong and so clear, even after all of these years, and many of them good, although certainly not all. I doubt I will ever come to terms with who I thought he was and who he really was although I am sure that I always suspected that there were many things about him that I could not begin to know. 
From him, I learned a lot about how different people can be on the outside than they are on the inside. I learned that people from well-known families from the "upper class" who probably have IQ's that would get them into MENSA without question who yes, may appear troubled but are also charismatic and physically attractive as hell, can have evil in them that many of us could never imagine. I have been combing through everything I know about this man for many years, wondering why and how he became the person he became or if he was born the person he always was.

So that's what I have to say on this Friday evening. I will not say that I have been obsessively thinking about this man but I know he's been taking up a lot of space in my brain. Perhaps I'm afraid he'll try to get in touch with me. I know that most of his family is dead. I doubt he will. But even the possibility of that is somehow terrifying. Not because I think he would hurt me or any of mine, but because, as my dreams about him have shown me, I am not at peace with my memories or my feelings. 

And of course there is so much more I have not said here. 

Please forgive me for being cryptic. I am hoping that just saying what I have said will help me normalize some of these feelings. 

Skyflower.

Meanwhile, clean sheets on the bed, more of the garden cleared, and Glen and our across-the-street neighbor have repaired the fence in the front yard where Hurricane Debby brought down a limb on it. 

And lastly, here's a bee picture I took. 

It's on the Mexican basil. I don't think I've ever grown anything that has attracted more bees than that plant. The Thai basil doesn't seem to interest them at all but they can't get enough of whatever it is that the Mexican variety is selling. And aren't those pretty little blossoms? 

Happy Friday, y'all. 

Love...Ms. Moon