Cryin'

Amidst the growing number of Christmas shit being put out at Costco, this giant werewolf stands, howling and moving his head and his arms and probably scaring the little pants off of kids with his claws and canines, and his horrible yowls of terror. 

So of course I made Lily and Jessie pose with him. And we all agreed we'd love to have him come live at our houses but since he cost over $400, that's not going to happen. I suppose some people will be buying Mr. Werewolf to decorate their front porches. He's a far better holiday decoration than a blow-up Christmas gingerbread house for sure. My front porch would be fancy enough for me if I'd get out there and sweep it. I just feel so flattened by ennui these days. If I get one biggish thing accomplished, I feel done. Today's big thing was going to town. I went and picked up a prescription and went to Publix. I ran into a friend who works there whom I know from the plays I was in at the Monticello Opera House. She and her partner were friends with Kathleen and both of them worked backstage and Judy, the other partner, actually directed at least one play. Judy was also Kathleen's other main support person and she and I spent many, many hours together going with our girl to chemo and doctor appointments and biopsy appointments and all the other appointments and places that cancer treatment calls for. There were also lunches, and parties when Kathleen felt up to them, along with trips to the beach for restoration of soul and of body. 

So much time we spent together. Our little Monticello theater family. We were tight through the good times and bad times. When I saw Denise today, I asked her if she'd gone to Jack's memorial service which was on Saturday. I've written about Jack so much. He and Jan, his true love, were a couple I called "The Lovers". She died some years ago and Jack just never really got over it and now he's gone too, along with Kathleen and Colin, our darling Colin who was joy and badness incarnate. 
And today when Denise said something about going to the Opera House and how we should have a reunion, I just burst into tears. I can't even walk in that cool old building anymore. It's too hard. It's like I've taken all of those memories, most of which were joyful, and shut them away in a locked drawer in my heart and when something comes along to unlock it, I am flooded. 

But I've always cried easily and in the past few decades, it has become a more pronounced characteristic of mine. People who know me know I do this, from August and Levon to my friend Lis. I've never really thought much about why I'm this way. I just am. But I know you've all seen this beautiful picture. 

Gus Walz during his father's speech while accepting the nomination for candidacy as Vice President at the DNC. And of course the picture has gotten so much attention from everyone in the damn world and everyone has their own opinion about how appropriate or inappropriate it is for a seventeen year-old boy to show his true feelings in such a completely unashamed way. 

I feel no need to add my voice to the clamor. I'm sure you know what I think. I think that Tim Walz and his family are very, very loving and lucky people. 

But on one bit of social media I saw, someone talked about having Emotional Intensity Disorder which perhaps Gus has too, which got me to thinking- do I have yet another disorder I was not aware of? Are my easy tears and deep feelings a form of mental unwellness? 
FUCK! 
I did a quick google of the situation and it would appear that Emotional Intensity Disorder can be a part of Borderline Personality Disorder and as with everything on any medical site on the internet, if you read the symptoms used to diagnose any disorder of either mind or body, you can be sure that you have at least half of them. 
Ooh boy. 
Oh, how we humans love to fit the correct toy into the correct slot. But here's the thing- we're just who we are. There are a million reasons why one person couldn't express an emotion if they were threatened with arrest while another person can't NOT express an emotion, no matter how inappropriate it may seem. 

And of course there's all that cultural bullshit about how real men don't cry and crying demonstrates weakness and we tell children all the time to "stop crying." God, I used to hate it when someone would say, "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." 
As if anyone has the right to tell someone, even a child, that what they're crying about isn't worthy of tears. 

And some days we are simply more apt to cry than others. And some of us are tenderhearted, wear our hearts on our sleeves, are emotional while others of us keep things inside because that is how we were raised or what makes us feel safe or how we are emotionally wired. And it doesn't necessarily mean that one group feels things more strongly than the other. It doesn't mean that at all. 

I guess that's all I have to say tonight. I had a good time with Lily and Jessie at lunch and at Costco. We were a little quieter than usual, I think. Both Lily and Jessie are constantly tired these days, as mothers of young children often are. There is so much involved in raising children and both of them have jobs outside the house, too. 
"How do they do it?" I think. And then I remember that yes, I did it too and I have no idea how. 
Naps played a huge role in all of it. Naps and coffee. 

Here's a picture I just took of two very late-blooming wisteria blossoms. Plants, like humans, have their very own inner schedules and ways. 

I'm going to go bake a little chicken in my air-fryer on the "roast" setting. That way I won't heat up the entire kitchen. It's definitely the size of chicken that would fit nicely in my Duluth overall pocket although I feel no need to test that theory. 
Not tonight, anyway. 

Love...Ms. Moon