Monday, October 30, 2023

It's Not Joy That Things Spark. It Is Memory

Today has been a struggle. I'm always in a state of what I call "existential angst" when I wake up but some mornings it's not a joke at all. Those are the days that tears are involved and I truly wonder why in hell I'm still here with everything in and on my body breaking down and hurting and then of course I feel guilty because I have a BEAUTIFUL life and I have a BEAUTIFUL home and I have an incredibly BEAUTIFUL AND LOVING HUSBAND AND FAMILY and in all regards, I am about as healthy as a woman my age should be and so on and so forth and let me tell you something that you probably know as well as I do- guilt only makes us feel worse and compounds the feelings of worthlessness and here you have the necessary ingredients of a really bad mental soup. And let me hasten to add- it's not like I'm feeling poor me, oh, poor me. It's more like I'm feeling Jesus Christ you silly, pathetic bitch. Shut the fuck up. 

So. I procrastinated as long as I could and then I took a little walk. When I passed Harvey's on the way home, he yelled out "hey" to me and I yelled out "hey" to him and I think he said something about good for me for walking and I said something like I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to do it and he said that he can't and indicated a bad leg. I told him that I really like all of his new pots of sago palms. The man must have a dozen of them at least and he keeps arranging them in different places in his yard and in different ways. He said that he's trying to get rid of all the junk in his yard and make things look nice. I told him it was looking pretty good already. He weed-whacks his yard daily as far as I can tell. 
Bless Harvey. 

So then I came home and hung some laundry on the line and didn't do much of anything else for hours. I have been contemplating all those mugs you see up there in that picture and wanting to get rid of most of them because honestly- how many mugs does one couple need? But just as with everything else I own, there are emotional attachments associated with each one which is exactly how the woman in the book I just read started- each and every thing that came into her life became a totem, a memory for something she did not want to forget. I honestly do not think I'm in danger of becoming a hoarder but I completely understand that sort of illogical thinking, attaching emotions to objects, as well as thinking that I might well need whatever that object is sometime in the future. 
But come on. 


Another thing I wanted to clear out was the CD's I had crammed into drawers. I haven't listened to most of those hundreds of CD's in years. Listen- I have the first CD I ever got. Joni Mitchell's "Blue." I looked at the mugs. I looked at the drawers. I opened the drawers and began to look at the individual CD's and I was just so overwhelmed. 
So I went to the GDDG and got some boxes out of their recycling container and came home and did get rid of all but one row of the mugs and then I went through the CD's and got rid of many of those. Many. 
But not all. 
Which does not feel like success, somehow. 
Still, it's something. 

And then I cleaned all of the pictures and the seashells and tortoise shells and the stuff on top of that little vanity that all those CD's had been stored in and cleaned the vanity and polished the glass and put everything back together although I did toss a few things or at least move them to other places which is not really the answer to the problem but again, it's a start. 

At least it looks a little better. 

So that's what I did. 

A few pictures.

That's an aloe vera blossom and as you may be able to see, the bed it's in is completely full of aloe vera plants, each of which has saw-tooth edges that will cut you like, well, a saw. Also, dewberry vines which have the sharpest little prickles you ever did see. Or feel. And cleaning that area up is also on my endless list of things I need to do. I should probably just get rid of all of the aloe veras. Once again- when was the last time I used aloe for a burn? 
Uh...I have no idea. 

But then we have these. The first of the camellia sasangua to bloom in my yard this year. Just knowing that the camellia japonica will be blooming in a month or two is reassuring and a bright glimmer of goodness.

Please forgive my whinging. Hopefully I'll have a better mindset tomorrow. 
"Mindset." Now that's a word, isn't it? Wouldn't it be great if we could just change our mindset as easily as changing our clothes? 
"Hold on.  This mindset just does not suit me. I'll be right back with another."
There are those who say we can. Happiness is a choice! 
Yes. And losing weight is easy. Just eat less and exercise more! 
Am I right?


Love...Ms. Moon


  1. I'm not going to get a single bloom on my tiny camillia. I don't think it has grown one whit since I planted it a couple of years ago. harsh winter, brutal summer but at least all the leaves infected with white fly that I treated over and over and could just not get rid of fell off so at least it has a fighting chance now. last winter finally killed my big sharp spined aloe.

    good for you for getting rid of some stuff. that's what I'm doing in the shop...purging.

    you know, my firespike isn't going to bloom either I guess. not showing any signs of producing flowers.

    I haven't done a damn thing today. dropped over 40˚ last night and it hasn't gotten any warmer than 48˚. I did go to the library because I finished my book and that was it.

  2. ooh boy, can I identify with your mindsets of today. Totally. I liked your term *mental soup*.....which for likely for many....changes almost daily.....and all one can do is deal with the shit as best as one can and change it, if possible (I try). I came home from gym to a pristinely clean house thanks to Patricia...... and learned (through hubby, who was home and spoke w/ her).......that her parental's home in Acapulco was totally swept away last week in the hurricane. They lost EVERYTHING! Buzz gave her an extra big sum of $.....and true to form......she resisted as much as possible.....but B. told her.......this is for your family. She cried and cried and said *bless you*. Oh lord.....tears just writing this........tears are a good thing all around. They remind us that our hearts and souls are open to life
    Susan M

  3. Mugs are permanent, no matter how many you have. It seems to be a natural law. Just accept it.

  4. But there were only eighteen mugs there! We have got twenty seven in our mug cupboard... just in case there's bus crash outside our house and the injured passengers all request mugs of tea. I had not thought much about the term "mindset" before. Wouldn't it be nice if we all had dials and could choose between say, "Deliriously Happy", "Mildly Melancholic", "Seething With Rage" and "As Chilled Out As a Buddhist Monk".

  5. I know that waking up feeling bad so well. I find it relates to disturbing dreams and tends to improve once I get vertical. I have never amassed many mugs largely because of breakage. So I guess you're not clumsy.

    Winnowing is good, though there are days when it's easier than others, yes. Some people find they can group items and take a picture, to make it easier to part with them. Ymmv.

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    2. Because I meant to reply to Mary not Liz. Need coffee.

  6. So that's an aloe vera bloom. I'll be damned!
    Going to the GDDGS and dumpster diving for boxes for winnowing of collections causing grief is sterling. And the boxes will not be melting into compost in your back yard; you downsized some mugs and CD's and other things. Tomorrow you probably will be pleased. You should be, and cook another fine supper.

  7. I wrote a whole insightful piece under Boud's comment and felt silly so removed it and now my brain has turned to mush.
    You are doing well, Mary. Better than many of us.

  8. It will pass. It will get better. Of course, it'll get worse again, but it will get better again too:)

    Sending hugs and love.

  9. I'm sorry that you've had a rough morning (or mornings), but I do thank you for writing the sentence "Today has been a struggle." I have those days -- nearly all the days, lately, but I don't think to call them a "struggle," and that's exactly what they are. So thank you for that!

  10. The aloe vera blossoms will look prettier once the buds open.
    I look at my (too many) mugs that I am attached to and they still make me smile, so I won't be getting rid of any of them soon. The cds are mostly home made mixes taken from my daughter's bought cds and if I gave them to Goodwill they'd end up in the trash so I will just keep them and maybe play them now and then.
    I have "blah" days, today is one, but I don't think I've ever had to struggle though one. I'm glad you went for a walk.

  11. Oh man cds!!! Tell me about it! I don't tend to listen to much music anyway and I bet half the cds in my house (most left by my ex) are scratched to shit so why do I keep them??? I did try going through them in the car and picking out the songs I liked and downloading them onto Amazon Music but I had to listen to a lot of crap before I got there. And then I thought "what if I no longer have Amazon for some reason, what will I listen to"?, knowing full well that I rarely listen to anything anyway. Damn, but if you think of a solution do pass it on!

  12. I have a kidney shaped desk that looks like yours but without the mirror. I stopped buying books in print and CDs long ago but still listen. Good luck with the sorting and don't beat yourself up. Tomorrow is another day. Thanks for the cat poem.

  13. I've had lots of days lately where I just do one thing and count the day as productive. Geez, it is just hard to feel motivated and instead I'll read or play solitaire on the computer and the day is done and I feel guilty but so what. Who's checking my work?
    I'm hoping my weeds will be killed by the snow flurries we are having today! I can be pretty lazy and I'm trying to get used to that mindset...

  14. But why get rid of ALL the aloe veras? The blooms are so pretty! Maybe you can pot some of them up to contain them, so they're not running amok in your yard? We keep ours in a pot but it has never bloomed, so maybe that's the downside.

    I still have my first CD too -- Donovan's "Sunshine Superman." And I think I have my CD of "Blue" as well.

    Bravo for purging stuff. I'm on a continual campaign of purging around here. (At the same time I'm adopting more potted plants!)


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