Today has been a struggle. I'm always in a state of what I call "existential angst" when I wake up but some mornings it's not a joke at all. Those are the days that tears are involved and I truly wonder why in hell I'm still here with everything in and on my body breaking down and hurting and then of course I feel guilty because I have a BEAUTIFUL life and I have a BEAUTIFUL home and I have an incredibly BEAUTIFUL AND LOVING HUSBAND AND FAMILY and in all regards, I am about as healthy as a woman my age should be and so on and so forth and let me tell you something that you probably know as well as I do- guilt only makes us feel worse and compounds the feelings of worthlessness and here you have the necessary ingredients of a really bad mental soup. And let me hasten to add- it's not like I'm feeling poor me, oh, poor me. It's more like I'm feeling Jesus Christ you silly, pathetic bitch. Shut the fuck up.
So. I procrastinated as long as I could and then I took a little walk. When I passed Harvey's on the way home, he yelled out "hey" to me and I yelled out "hey" to him and I think he said something about good for me for walking and I said something like I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to do it and he said that he can't and indicated a bad leg. I told him that I really like all of his new pots of sago palms. The man must have a dozen of them at least and he keeps arranging them in different places in his yard and in different ways. He said that he's trying to get rid of all the junk in his yard and make things look nice. I told him it was looking pretty good already. He weed-whacks his yard daily as far as I can tell.
So then I came home and hung some laundry on the line and didn't do much of anything else for hours. I have been contemplating all those mugs you see up there in that picture and wanting to get rid of most of them because honestly- how many mugs does one couple need? But just as with everything else I own, there are emotional attachments associated with each one which is exactly how the woman in the book I just read started- each and every thing that came into her life became a totem, a memory for something she did not want to forget. I honestly do not think I'm in danger of becoming a hoarder but I completely understand that sort of illogical thinking, attaching emotions to objects, as well as thinking that I might well need whatever that object is sometime in the future.
But come on.
Another thing I wanted to clear out was the CD's I had crammed into drawers. I haven't listened to most of those hundreds of CD's in years. Listen- I have the first CD I ever got. Joni Mitchell's "Blue." I looked at the mugs. I looked at the drawers. I opened the drawers and began to look at the individual CD's and I was just so overwhelmed.
So I went to the GDDG and got some boxes out of their recycling container and came home and did get rid of all but one row of the mugs and then I went through the CD's and got rid of many of those. Many.
But not all.
Which does not feel like success, somehow.
Still, it's something.
And then I cleaned all of the pictures and the seashells and tortoise shells and the stuff on top of that little vanity that all those CD's had been stored in and cleaned the vanity and polished the glass and put everything back together although I did toss a few things or at least move them to other places which is not really the answer to the problem but again, it's a start.
Uh...I have no idea.
"Hold on. This mindset just does not suit me. I'll be right back with another."
Yes. And losing weight is easy. Just eat less and exercise more!
Am I right?