Am waiting for these sharp bluesy days to pass, am hoping they will soon. I did my usual walk this morning and it did nothing at all except make my legs and hips hurt more than ever and I'm in that phase of depression or whatever it is that makes your body hurt and although I made myself get out and rake up a few cartfuls of leaves to spread on the still naked parts of the garden and plant a row of tomatoes, that was all I could do and I peeled off my gloves and left things as they were, the remaining tomatoes, eggplants and peppers still in their little cups, the corn seeds in my back pocket.
I think I've been disassociating all day long, almost feeling as if I was in a state of walking catanoia, and instead of being-here-now, I've been being-god-knows-where, and although I am quite sure I ironed some shirts and I planted those tomatoes, and I took that walk, I don't really have a full sense of having done any of it, just vague images of trees and a puddle and a gray sleeve on the ironing board.
In some disconnected part of me I am curious as to what has triggered any of this, as to why this is happening now but I'm not sure that anything really has. It is just part of the way my brain is made, whether from genes or from early experience or from the wrong spell being cast at my birth.
Who knows? Not me.