Friday, March 23, 2018

Absolutely Doing What I Can

Still not feeling too well and I hate this. Am I sick? Worn out? Dying? Depressed? 
And it's not like I can't do things. I can. I just want to sleep, and indeed have slept for over ten hours in the last twenty-four and feel achy and slow. 
Everything just feels off from my eyeballs to my toes. 
But some overwhelming desire to get the porch plants sorted and put in their proper places motivated me to do as much of that as I could. Some of the plants which have overwintered in the mud room are just too heavy for me to lift and move but I got a bunch of them by myself. I swept the porch and took a broom to the cobwebs and murdered thousands of baby Golden Orb Weaver spiders and left a few thousand more. I pulled the plants that had been up near the porch wall back to the front and I gathered up all of the many blankets and sheets which have been laying in wait to cover the plants during freezes and the last ones are now in the washer. 
Tomorrow when Mr. Moon has carried out the last few plants I can't move and I've set them to rights, I'll fertilize and water them all and they will all know it's time to grow again. 
It feels good. 

So that's what I did today, making short, slow trips from one place to another, sweeping, trimming, hanging sheets on the line, tidying, and then...taking a nap. 

All right. Can we talk about politics for a moment? Or, okay, it's not really politics but maybe that's what you call it. 
Let's start here- the morning after Trump was elected (and don't those words still send a chill down your spine?) I remember saying to my husband, "We are fucked, we are fucked, we are fucked, we are fucked..." and on and on and on. 
But of course, you know, I think we all had the tiniest sliver of crazy hope that the man was not quite as stupid/insane/cruel/evil/unprepared/unqualified/ridiculous/racist/etc./etc. as we were certain he was. Or that there were brilliant people somewhere who would come up with a way to get rid of him before the inauguration and when I say "get rid of him" I, personally, didn't care how that happened. Or that he would have advisers who could control him. Or hell, that JESUS GOD HIMSELF would come down from the clouds and smite him or at least tell us to recount the votes. 

Of course none of those things happened. And in fact, as bad as we feared it might be, as fucked as we feared we might be, it was worse. 
And it continues to be worse. 
Every. Fucking. Day. We don't even get the pleasure of becoming numb to what's going on because Trump keeps raising the bar when it comes to horrific deeds and actions. 

This Bolton shit is scaring the crap out of me. John Bolton obviously fancies himself as a sort of New World Wyatt Earp, set to clear out and clean out the bad guys with whatever means necessary and instead of a pistol on his hip he has the world's largest and most armed military in his holster with the world's most powerful and insane leader in his pocket. 
I have literally already been having dreams about nuclear war being announced via radio and social media and I have a feeling the dreams are only going to get worse. 

We are so fucked. 

And I have no answers. Just as one insane declaration or proposition made by Trump gets hammered down, a worse one pops up. It's like the most nightmare version of Whack-A-Mole I've ever imagined. And if any of us believes that Mueller is going to be able to continue his investigation until the truth has been revealed, we might as well believe that Putin won the election in Russia honestly. Because as bad as Trump is, the Republicans in power are worse because they absolutely know what's going on and they are so depraved by power and greed that they refuse to act against it. 

Is this the end times or merely some of the darkest times? I know that in the history of the world, there have been times as dangerous and as corrupt, or perhaps even more so, than these. 

But I am scared. I'm scared for my country, my planet. I am scared for my children and my grandchildren. And yeah- I'm scared for myself. I really don't want to either die in a nuclear war or survive one either. 
I just want to have running water and electricity and a world where my grandson can be scared by manatees in a crystal clear river. 
I remember a thing Yoko Ono said a long, long time ago about how "everyone's talking about a survivable nuclear war and I don't even want my roof to leak."
Or something like that. 

Well. Right now from where I sit, the world is a beautiful place. Cardinals taking their last bit of sustenance for the day from the feeder, their snapping of seeds the loudest thing I can hear. Earlier, I saw a hummingbird on the feeder I set out. Sprinklers are watering my beans and my peas with the setting sun behind them. I have plenty to eat and the ways and means to buy or grow more when we need it. My grandchildren are safe and loved. I have books to read! I have beautiful fresh eggs in a brown wooden bowl. 

I wish I prayed. I wish I believed in a benevolent god who listens and answers. 
Of course I don't so I just have to have faith that good will prevail. 
Somehow. Some way. 
I am trying. 

Happy Friday, y'all. 

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. I was in what WebMD diagnosed a 'depressive state' for a week. I slept 12 to 18 hours a day, sometimes all at once, and could find no joy in anything. I can usually have a talk with myself and shake it off. But as loud as I was yelling, I wasn't listening. For the first time in my life I saw a therapist. I saw her twice and within two days (and no drugs!) I began feeling a bit better. I can't explain it, but the horrendous state of our country, some family stresses, and the godawful rain and cold and wind here in Illinois no doubt played a part. As for Trump, I believe the RWN's (Right Wing Nuts) thought they'd found the perfect puppet in old Airhead. Imagine their surprise when the puppet opened his mouth and out came stupid....over and over and over again. Three more years of this bullshit. We can make it through, right????

  2. I am never not tired. Since I have had all the possible bloodwork known to man I know it’s depression. I’m so weary of all of it. I wish I could sleep for a year and wake up refreshed and the world spinning back on its proper axis.

  3. It's all too fucking scary, really. All we can do is watch the Cardinals, tend the gardens, love our families............. and be as loving as we can to each other.'s just too depressing.....(which it is anyway)
    Susan M

  4. I want to cry. Hell, I have cried too many times. We have to hang in there the best we can and have faith that this next generation of voters will ensure this never happens again. Better days will come!

  5. I have hope that the rest of the world will save us. I reminded myself today that this will some day be just a few years we look back on. It is not permanent - it takes a lot of room to turn a big shop around. I keep repeating those things when I feel helpless which is frequently.

  6. I have become somewhat fatalistic about it all. I would love to depose Trump and install Hillary and save the rhinos and convince everyone on the planet to have no more than 2.3 children. But I can't. All I can do is vote and speak my truth, and if other forces outweigh us, well, that's how it is.

    I think getting up and sorting out the porch plants is exactly the kind of activity that's called for when anyone reaches an emotional state like the one you describe. You (the generalized you, not YOU individually, although that too, I suppose) just have to get up and DO something, you know? I understand that's a simplistic approach to depression but I really think it helps.

    1. (By the way, I know you have more than 2.3 children, but I'm thinking overall population averages, here. :) )

  7. I'm with Steve. fatalistic about it. either Mueller will be able to continue or not either Bolton will get us in a war with Iran (which is not Iraq by any means) or not. and as to war, aren't we bombing enough countries already? either we win the mid-terms and have some power to control Trump or not. Personally, I think this country is done. we have slid so far down the scale in all the things that count it would take 50 years to climb back up and that's if we don't annihilate the world first. so what do we do? we plant our gardens, we love our kids and grandkids and friends, we make the most of the days we have left to us, and we vote. your funk is understandable but probably your body is fighting off some sort of invasion. today I plant green beans and squash and maybe corn. I've never grown corn before and all the GMO corn being grown around us is far enough away I think that I don't have to worry about pollen drift.

  8. It will get better. Trump is a scary, stupid man but he is just a man. A democracy implies that power lays with the people of the country, not just the leader. Perhaps this is a reminder to the people of the United States that they are all responsible for running the country.

    And your beautiful porch, OMG, I love it.

    Sending hugs.

  9. On Fri ,Sat, and Sunday I try to avoid ALL news. I have to give myself a small break from the constant TERROR. So I just kinda quickly scanned the political part of this post but what I did take from it is...damn, what a beautiful porch! So very Southern Zen. Just the place to sip a cocktail or smoke a lil herb while letting all that stress and bullshit go.
    Oh yes, let's give ole Prick Scott a high five for signing legislation to make daylight savings time year-round in Florida! Hopefully the feds will agree. Small graces.

  10. I can't add any words of wisdom, alas, but ... man I love your veranda. -Kate

  11. I LOVE your porch. Guess I'll die without ever having had one. Sigh. The story of my life. Much love from south Louisiana. The damned place thingy wants me in northern Louisiana, but I haven't been there since high school. xo

  12. God=good. Same same. Pray for good. I think we were simply incapable of imagining that things could be quite this insane, corrupt, hateful, sick. But you know, your porch looks like a fairy tale place and that, too, is true. We are not lost yet. Feel better soon dear Mary.


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