Still not feeling too well and I hate this. Am I sick? Worn out? Dying? Depressed?
And it's not like I can't do things. I can. I just want to sleep, and indeed have slept for over ten hours in the last twenty-four and feel achy and slow.
Everything just feels off from my eyeballs to my toes.
But some overwhelming desire to get the porch plants sorted and put in their proper places motivated me to do as much of that as I could. Some of the plants which have overwintered in the mud room are just too heavy for me to lift and move but I got a bunch of them by myself. I swept the porch and took a broom to the cobwebs and murdered thousands of baby Golden Orb Weaver spiders and left a few thousand more. I pulled the plants that had been up near the porch wall back to the front and I gathered up all of the many blankets and sheets which have been laying in wait to cover the plants during freezes and the last ones are now in the washer.
Tomorrow when Mr. Moon has carried out the last few plants I can't move and I've set them to rights, I'll fertilize and water them all and they will all know it's time to grow again.
It feels good.
So that's what I did today, making short, slow trips from one place to another, sweeping, trimming, hanging sheets on the line, tidying, and then...taking a nap.
All right. Can we talk about politics for a moment? Or, okay, it's not really politics but maybe that's what you call it.
Let's start here- the morning after Trump was elected (and don't those words still send a chill down your spine?) I remember saying to my husband, "We are fucked, we are fucked, we are fucked, we are fucked..." and on and on and on.
But of course, you know, I think we all had the tiniest sliver of crazy hope that the man was not quite as stupid/insane/cruel/evil/unprepared/unqualified/ridiculous/racist/etc./etc. as we were certain he was. Or that there were brilliant people somewhere who would come up with a way to get rid of him before the inauguration and when I say "get rid of him" I, personally, didn't care how that happened. Or that he would have advisers who could control him. Or hell, that JESUS GOD HIMSELF would come down from the clouds and smite him or at least tell us to recount the votes.
Of course none of those things happened. And in fact, as bad as we feared it might be, as fucked as we feared we might be, it was worse.
And it continues to be worse.
Every. Fucking. Day. We don't even get the pleasure of becoming numb to what's going on because Trump keeps raising the bar when it comes to horrific deeds and actions.
This Bolton shit is scaring the crap out of me. John Bolton obviously fancies himself as a sort of New World Wyatt Earp, set to clear out and clean out the bad guys with whatever means necessary and instead of a pistol on his hip he has the world's largest and most armed military in his holster with the world's most powerful and insane leader in his pocket.
I have literally already been having dreams about nuclear war being announced via radio and social media and I have a feeling the dreams are only going to get worse.
We are so fucked.
And I have no answers. Just as one insane declaration or proposition made by Trump gets hammered down, a worse one pops up. It's like the most nightmare version of Whack-A-Mole I've ever imagined. And if any of us believes that Mueller is going to be able to continue his investigation until the truth has been revealed, we might as well believe that Putin won the election in Russia honestly. Because as bad as Trump is, the Republicans in power are worse because they absolutely know what's going on and they are so depraved by power and greed that they refuse to act against it.
Is this the end times or merely some of the darkest times? I know that in the history of the world, there have been times as dangerous and as corrupt, or perhaps even more so, than these.
But I am scared. I'm scared for my country, my planet. I am scared for my children and my grandchildren. And yeah- I'm scared for myself. I really don't want to either die in a nuclear war or survive one either.
I just want to have running water and electricity and a world where my grandson can be scared by manatees in a crystal clear river.
I remember a thing Yoko Ono said a long, long time ago about how "everyone's talking about a survivable nuclear war and I don't even want my roof to leak."
Or something like that.
Well. Right now from where I sit, the world is a beautiful place. Cardinals taking their last bit of sustenance for the day from the feeder, their snapping of seeds the loudest thing I can hear. Earlier, I saw a hummingbird on the feeder I set out. Sprinklers are watering my beans and my peas with the setting sun behind them. I have plenty to eat and the ways and means to buy or grow more when we need it. My grandchildren are safe and loved. I have books to read! I have beautiful fresh eggs in a brown wooden bowl.
I wish I prayed. I wish I believed in a benevolent god who listens and answers.
Of course I don't so I just have to have faith that good will prevail.
Somehow. Some way.
I am trying.
Happy Friday, y'all.