Thursday, August 18, 2011

L Is For Loser

I can't do it. I can't even begin to feel positive about myself for more than oh, two or three seconds at a time.
Yesterday was such a fine day. And Mr. Moon and I ended up by having snuggly chat in bed and we laughed and we talked about things and after he fell asleep I thought about doing a post on breasts and how much we all love breasts and how complex our relationship with breasts is, whether we have them or not and then I spent a good long time giving myself positive messages about myself (I am a loving person, I am a tending person, I have talents, etc.) and then I fell asleep.
I woke up this morning stressed as hell from dreaming over and over that I had missed my flight to Paris AGAIN and even if I did get to the airport on time I had forgotten my purse, my phone, my ticket.
I tried on clothes to wear on the plane. Everything I tried on looked like shit or else was pinned up the back with safety pins and you can't wear a safety-pinned dress to Paris unless you are a Punk Grrrl which I am not.
And then I would miss my flight again.

WTF with the missing-the-flight dreams? I never fly anywhere and I've never missed a flight in my life. Okay, that's a lie, but it was because of missed connections and not my fault.

So like I said, I woke up feeling stressed and anxious and filled with self-doubt and a bit of panic and where, where, WHERE did all my good thoughts from yesterday and last night go?

I wish I had a bottle of Atavan. Or is it Ativan? I do not know.

See? I am anxious because I do not know how to spell the name of an anti-anxiety drug. Okay, I goggled it. It's Ativan.

Anyway, good morning. My butt is big.
No, really, I don't even have a butt.

I'm going to town this morning to Lily's house. Her midwife is coming to do a check-up and I'm going to go be there and take care of Owen if necessary. It will probably be necessary. I'll be glad to see that crazy boy. Also to meet the midwife. It's so funny with Lily how when she was a kid she just disbelieved anything I ever told her, acted like she could not wait to get out of the house (it wasn't an act) and basically and literally from the age of two told me that I was not cool and that was that.
And now here she is, the perfect mother who wants a home birth just like her mama had and who works so hard and is so responsible and seems to love and need me so much and boy, do I wish I could go back and reassure myself ten years ago that everything was going to be all right because it did not look like it was going to be for quite awhile there.

I talked last night to my friend Mary Lane whose birthday it was. Mary Lane and I have been friends since the seventh grade, okay, maybe sixth grade. And here we are, both fifty-seven years old and grandmothers. WHOA! Child. How did THAT happen?
It was good to talk to her. It was so good. But it sure did underscore that life is speeding away, mine at least, because I still remember making campfire stew with Mary Lane in the Girl Scouts and that was yesterday.

And here's today and I am not doing a post on breasts because it would have to be a four-parter, at least, and I need to get ready to go town to meet the midwife, to take care of Owen, to deal with my vastly imperfect self.
My goal for the day is to clean out my hen house. Mr. Moon brought me a whole new bale of straw for that purpose today and I shall do it.

I am not going to Paris, no planes are taking off without me that I need to be on, I am a nurturer, a tender, I have talents.
My butt is not big.

Still. I am vastly imperfect.

And I have no idea what to make for supper. Last night's soup was good but I have frozen the rest of it in small containers for Mr. Moon when I am gone to the beach.

My butt is not big and I am a good cook.

This ain't working.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. But don't give up, lol. Was it Stuart Smalley??--"...and doggone it--people LIKE me!"

    Have a glorious day, revelling in the love of your family. That's all that matters anyway, when you get right down to it...

  2. Self-doubt will come from the blue. Picture yourself as a child, like Owen, that you want to be kind to, love and nurture. I am that little kid inside. I am going to be good to that little boy today.

  3. Yes, it sounds silly but think of Stuart Samlley's daily affirmations. Think of how your friends and family who know you would describe you and say those very words to yourself.
    In the meantime what the hell is up with that sunflower butter being almost $6.00 for a jar?!???! I still wanna try it though.
    P.S. I've had the missing flight dreams too. Hate all that energy used thataway.

  4. Your dream life is so incredible to me --

    I'm struggling with the pledge myself, and it's only been one day. One more thing to remember.

    I had forgotten that your Lily is pregnant and am thrilled all over again.

  5. It's gonna let up...if I've learned anything after living with anxiety/depression it's that the clouds always lift. Always. Yours will. Just shake your fist at them, take a walk, and keep doing what you're doing: sharing your thoughts - even the icky pickled ones that hold on tight. WE in turn will hold on to YOU. I was in a yoga class a while back that primarily dealt with the mandible. The letting go of the reins that hold our personal "bits". I find I have trouble letting go of control (or as they say in the program, "let go and let God").

    Don't know where I was going with that. But anyway, xoxo.

  6. I took the pledge this morning myself. i dont expect i will do it perfectly, just that my consciousness will be greater, so when the harsh self talk creeps in, i will do like the yogis and gently show it the door, and i wont give myself more harsh self talk for not being able to keep the harsh self talk at bay, because i have been practicing that self-flagellation for decades, it is reflexive at this point and it wont go away overnight, but i can leaven it with loving messages and let myself hear another voice in my head that is not always trying to cut me off at the knees. this is my plan.

    if i aim for perfection i will just quit. succeeding a little might lead to succeeding a little more. i get so tired of having to shore myself up after tearing myself down. why do we do this to ourselves?

    i love you mary moon and your butt is not big (see, some harsh self talk just jumped into my head about MY butt, but i refrained from sharing it, ha!). You are plain awesome. We all know it. That is all.

    ps i love love love what you said about your lily. if only we knew that most of the things that keep us up at night are figments of our very rich and detailed imaginations. hugs.

    wv: coneusur

  7. but i do understand something else, if vaguely. if we can't write out our harsh self talk then it will be stuck and looping in our heads! yikes!

  8. I can't remember my dreams now. Nothing. Maybe thrice a year I can. I sort of miss my dreams. The good ones, at least.

    The thing about Lily is especially heartening to me. I'm frequently afraid I'm raising a future serial killer.

    I can't help you with your butt. I don't care that much for mine but it sure does come in handy for things like sitting, walking, etc. And because it's behind me, I don't have to look at it!

    Get some rest & do something that feels good when you can. We all hope the best for ya!

    P.S. A close friend is planning a water birth at home and I'm so excited about it!

  9. Well, at least you are trying, that counts, right? Let those stupid dreams go and dare them to come back. About the Ativan, or Xanax which I have graduated to, they have helped my sleep immeasurably. I tried sleeping pills, they were not any help, the dreams and the disrupted sleep were still awful. I got a prescription for the ativan to help my panic attacks, which were actually hot flashes, but I only take them at night when I'm off mom duty, and I found they helped me get to sleep and stay asleep. I switched to Xanax this year, as the hot flashes went into overtime and the Ativan wasn't helping me as well. I'm not saying they work for everyone for a sleep aid, but I'm saying they work for me to let me sleep through all but the worst hot flashes and keep my dreams more entertaining or silly than stressful. Good luck, I know how much we need our sleep.
    Very excited about the pregnancy, I'm trying to visualize Mer Mer with 2 little ones in her lap!

  10. Love you, mama! Also, your butt is not even in the same country as big. I'm sorry. I have made a life study of big butts, and yours is not one.

  11. I find DTG's comment intriguing. :)

  12. I think you're perfect and I love you very much. I will be back xx

  13. All y'all- Lah. I love you. Thank-you. And DTG- I know. My butt is NOT big (ger) than most butts. In the US.

  14. We are ALL vastly imperfect. And to be honest, I'm at the point where I don't even give a shit. I'm not trying to be perfect. It's not an attainable or sane goal to have, hear me? Give it up, sister. That shit will just drive you bonkers. Be who you are. That is good enough.

    Love you.


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