I dreamed last night that I had a new baby. I was being the world's worst mother and was completely unprepared. No diapers, no soft little shirts, I was carrying the poor child around in a torn piece of cloth and I hadn't even checked to see if I had a boy or a girl. It was just...a baby.
I've had these sorts of dreams my entire life. I have a baby. I've left it somewhere. Possibly for days. Where? The refrigerator? In a drawer? Has it managed to survive? I am frantic with worry, after these days of forgetful neglect. I have killed my baby!
Which is so odd in that whenever I have had a real baby I never let him or her out of my sight for one second, barely out of my arms for a minute at a time. One of the main reasons I had my babies at home was so that there would be no separation after the birth. I could not stand to be in one room, my baby down the hall in another, in a plastic box instead of in my arms. I would no more forget a baby than forget my arms, my legs, my head, my heart.
What is it I'm forgetting? What precious thing am I neglecting? What newborn dream have I put away someplace to die?
Or am I just worried that I am not getting ready fast enough for Lily's baby?
I don't know but I tell you- that sort of dream can color an entire day and make me a tiny bit frantic with worrying what it is I'm not taking care of, that I should be cherishing and cradling in my arms, that I should be dressing with soft cotton, wrapping with tenderness and love.
Miss Moon,
ReplyDeleteWell,since you ask...I think the baby is you. You are coming into a very important phase of life and you are birthing yourself anew. You are standing up for yourself and discovering your own power and influence not only in your own life but the lives of others. I think that baby is (pardon the cheese factor) your inner child. It's your time to care for you. Which brings feelings of incompetence and guilt from past conditioning.
You did a really important and big thing yesterday. You stood up for that kid, and a whole lot of other adults who have not been able to stand up for themselves. You deserve much credit and support... from you. Acknowledge that while it may seem small on the outside to some, it was a big victory for you and your inner child. Tell yourself you are proud. You're a setter and maintainer of boundaries! (Among your other talents, of course) WOO HOOO!
Love you so much,
pf
PS You are one of the only people on earth I do and would ever trust with my precious Harley. That includes my own blood.
ReplyDeleteI have dreams about having more babies all the time. It doesn't make any sense but sometimes I wake up crying because I know I can't have any more.
ReplyDeleteI dream about the first time I nurse, the first time you go to sleep and wake up in the hospital and realize the baby's not in your belly...
And you can never feel completely ready for any baby's arrival, in my opinion.
Lily's been watching those crazy "I didn't even know I was PREGNANT!" shows (which May called "Sorry I missed your baby"). Let me tell you, those women are mighty surprised. One kept saying, "I couldn't have a baby right then, they just told me I was gonna have one and it hadn't been nine months!" And they also all said one of the first things they thought was "I have no diapers!" And yet, they all seemed to have got it together pretty quickly. But how far away from yourself do you have to be to not know you're carrying around a baby?
ReplyDeleteWow, very powerful.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what the dream means, but I think I can speak for a lot of your readers in saying, sometimes I feel like a baby that belongs to you. In some odd way, across internet connections in many states, you often unknowingly care for many.
Thanks for all you do.
Oh, Petit Fleur and also AJ- you DO realize that my feet are cracked, calloused and made entirely of clay, right? But darn I love you both.
ReplyDeleteAnd Harley. I love that smart, sweet boy.
Erin- No. You can never be ready. Aren't these dreams disconcerting?
DTG- Yes. This has always been a mystery to me. And yet it does happen.
Heck, there was a whole marathon on of that show. Lily loves it.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful photograph!
ReplyDeleteAnd I have those dreams, too.
I also watched all those "Baby Story" marathon's and such during each of my pregnancies. I finally felt a part of something, a sisterhood? I don't know. I have no sisters...
Oh my Gawd! In my dream last night, you and dad had another baby, but I was worried about it because you weren't around to nurse him, and then it turned out to be my baby, and of course it made me fret and worry because I wasn't taking proper care of him. Well, it's no wonder where I get this gene of neglectful baby dreams from. Hah.
ReplyDelete"ready" for a baby? They come out, ya shake it a bit, coo a bit, rinse and repeat.
ReplyDeleteI can't ever imagine you neglecting anyone or anything, so the dreams are probably just an expression of anxiety and excitement about the upcoming transition from mom to grandma. But if it makes you feel better to go out and buy some little shirts, I'm sure no one will mind...
ReplyDeleteIn other baby news, can you believe Farty will be a year old in 16 days???
Oh, Ms Moon.
ReplyDeleteI've had birth and baby dreams my whole life too - but only the occasionalone is traumatic like that.
Actually, while the inner child thing makes sense, what I know of it is that the babies are your projects, your creations, the things you're working on, pr perhaps your creativity.
I tended to have them round exam time most.
My friend was training to be a veterinary nurse. And she'd recently got a new puppy.
She had a dream that she was giving birth, and the nurse said, 'Congratulations, Debbie, you have... 3 lovely King Charles spaniel puppies!
Freakin' me out...
ReplyDeleteUggh. That dream would leave me very out of sorts.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't know what to think of the dream either.
ReplyDeleteMs. Trouble- That was me and one of my babies in that picture. Back when I was so very young. I have no sisters either which has given me the ability to pick my own. And I have!
ReplyDeleteHoneyLuna- And where was I? Dead?! Oh well. It's odd that you would have the same dream in a way. On the same night. I wonder if Miss Maybelle did too. I really wouldn't be surprised.
Magnum- Always great to get the father's perspective. Good advice. I'll pass that on to Lily.
Rachel- Really? Mr. Farty! Gonna give the little man a party?
Jo- When pregnant once, I dreamed I gave birth to a kitten. I think this is fairly common and at least kittens and dogs are mammals which is less disturbing than dream birthing a frog or (shudder- the implications!) a snake.
XBox- It's all right. Don't freak out.
Steph- Yep. Disturbing.
Marsha- I don't know but I've sure had them before.
Is that you in the picture? What a cute hippie!
ReplyDeleteLady Lemon- Yes. That is (was) me.
ReplyDeleteI dream about being pregnant and having babies frequently -it's just my clock ticking I guess. I don't dream about losing babies, but rather the babies I haven't had. Sigh.
ReplyDelete