Monday, January 12, 2009

I'm A Loser, Baby

I don't know. I just don't know.
I'm having a hard time of it recently. Just...nothing new, nothing big, just a hard time.
Nothing's lighting my fire and even at play practice I'm feeling low. My jokes come out lame, my inexperience shows when I say a line and then ask the directors, "Was that right?"
Mr. Moon's depressed too. The car biz, real estate, the mysterious electrical problems in the house.

Having a loser wife.

And I should be the good partner I want to be and go find a job which seems to me to be more than impossible. Just having to make a phone call for a reservation or an appointment is enough to freak me out for an entire day. Even going to Publix, my safe, safe place is stressful. I have to force myself to go walk, which I do, but it's hard.

In short, I'm heavily invested in feeling like the world's biggest loser.

Loser, loser, loser.

What am I good for? What is my purpose on this planet? Why can't I pull up my petticoats and be a normal human being who functions?

I joke about how Caroline Kennedy is being called a role model for returning-to-work mothers but I'm just as in awe, or perhaps more so, of women who go out and get a job at a library or a school or a Circle K convenience store when the situation calls for it and I feel just as inadequate and unfit to do something like that as I would to be a United States senator.

It's no joke, feeling like this.
It tugs at my heart to feel like I'm not being there for my man when he has always been so solidly there for me.
Everything just seem so overwhelming from trying to figure out the rest of my life to filing my fingernails. I remember once a friend of mine said it was a major life crisis for him when he ran out of toothpaste.

I laughed then.
I ain't laughing now.
Because it's not funny when it's happening to you.

And the worst part, the very worst part, is the guilt that accompanies all of this. The little guilt-worm lodged in the ear which continuously shouts, "What RIGHT do you have to be depressed? You're faking this bullshit so you don't have to be a contributing member of society."

And you know what? Part of me is completely convinced this is true.

And the other part of me feels like every day I've been set to plowing forty rocky acres with a dull plow and no mule and so what's the point of even getting up?

But I know that depression has its cycle and even with meds and even with doing all the other things that can alleviate it and make it not so miserable, it has to run its cycle.
Which it will do. Eventually.
I don't actually believe this but I know it to be true. There's a difference.

So. Until things lighten up a little I'm afraid I'm going to be the worst sort of self-involved blogger who offers only the most self-involved and ridiculous blogging. I honestly am not writing all this to get nice comments from the beautiful people who visit here. I'm writing it because it's what's going through my mind, day and night and night and day and it's honestly all I have to offer at the moment.

I SHOULD just shut-up but let's face it- I'm not that ready to give up.

And who knows? The way these things work, I could be filled with the joy and spirit of life by tomorrow and have something pithy and poetic to say about, oh, I don't know. Anything. Anything at all. Besides my own pitiful, non-poetic self.

I'll work on it.

I promise.


  1. Oh, Ms. Moon. I am so sorry you're feeling like this. I am hesitant to give any advice because it might suck, but try to remember who you are as a person. You are a good, loving, creative person, who is also real. Think about what others see in you (even your blog buddies) and focus on that when you can't see it in yourself. Then make soup. This too shall pass.

  2. Balance:
    I have been incredibly up lately, real estate, toys, projects, health, you name it, I'm on a cloud above,
    It only makes sense that someone else is taking the hit for my joy. If it helps, blame me and be ruthless. I can take it, and you could use it.

  3. Remember how kind you were to me last week when I was going thru my cycle of depression/anxiety? Well, right back at ya.
    You contribute so much to the world, don't let those shitty self doubts rob you of that knowledge.
    And Mr. Moon loves you, yoru kids love you,and you're not a loser.
    And God doesn't think so either, so I'm not sure what kind of crap that church is selling!

  4. You are not a loser! You just have a disease. Would you feel like a big loser if you had the flu and couldn't go out? No! Try to think of it like a long term flu.

    In my non-professional opinion, what you are describing sounds like anxiety, not depression (or maybe anxiety with depression?) and maybe some agoraphobia.

    Here is a definition of agoraphobia from wikipedia: "Agoraphobia is a condition where the sufferer becomes anxious in environments that are unfamiliar or where he or she perceives that they have little control. Triggers for this anxiety may include crowds, wide open spaces, or traveling (even short distances). This anxiety is often compounded by a fear of social embarrassment, as the agoraphobic fears the onset of a panic attack and appearing distraught in public."

    I used to have a severe anxiety disorder (like: panic attacks when I had to leave the house or deal with people), and I still get really nervous about talking to strangers on the phone. The only thing that helped was cognitive therapy, forcing myself to do things outside of my comfort zone (and realizing it wasn't as scary once I had done them), and the occasional xanax when things get really bad. My heart still starts beating really fast when I'm on the phone or in new situations, but I just try to ignore it. It helps me to think of it as a physical, and not mental, condition (especially since for me a lot of my symptoms ARE physical)

    (disclaimer: I'm not qualified in any way to make this diagnosis)

  5. I'm married to a wonderful man who has one huge flaw: He sees the world as being divided into "performers" and those who aren't. And I will argue with my last breath that being gainfully employed does not make you a performer. That artists, writers, volunteers and people who just "are" are all performers, every bit as much or more than Wall Street traders, doctors, cashiers at WalMart or senators.

    I know that dark place you're in, because I inhabit it regularly. We don't value ourselves when we're there. But we are good, loving people, and what is more valuable than that? We make our contributions to the planet in ways that can't be measured. You are one of those people. Just believe that and allow yourself to be just where you are for now.

    God does not think you are a loser. That's just plain bullshit.

  6. Nicol- You're so sweet and I appreciate everything you say. This IS soup weather, too.

    Magnum- I ain't blaming you, buddy. No way. Enjoy the show from the seats you're in and I'll make my way up eventually. We'll share popcorn.

    Rachel- Yes. I know. Like I said, I know it's a cycle. As to that church sign- I think it's a joke. I hope it is.

    AE- I'm sure I fit into several categories in the DSM. And even though you are not a professional, I think you're probably smarter than most. And I KNOW that doing things outside my little world IS enjoyable and I need to push myself more. I'm not having actual panic attacks, which is good.

    Nannygoat- well, I am certain that any God I believed in would not call me a loser. But as you know, sometimes it feels that way.
    But a feeling is just a feeling, right? Not necessarily reality.
    I'll tell you this, though, if I were a greeter at Walmart, I would become a performer and fast.

  7. I can't totally relate Ms. Moon. I have had problems with anxiety and depression for the last 10 years and some days are definitely better than others. The medicine helps but sometimes all you want to do is stay in bed and be left alone. Hope you are feeling a little better and not so blue.

  8. As you well know, Harley is forever begging me to come over so he can play you a song on the piano.
    This week I will let him. :-)
    You have been warned!

    We sure do love you.
    x's n o's

  9. Mr. Shife- yeah, it's like a nationl epidemic. I appreciate your words. We're all doing the best we can, aren't we?

  10. There's now a new anti-depressant to take, when the one you're taking just isn't doing enough for you. The next time I see an ad for it on yahoo, I'll send you the name of it.
    Anyone who would put "You're a Loser" on a sign in front of a church is a loser.

  11. MOB, would it be the Abilify that some doctors are adding to the antidepressant? Let us all know when you see the ad.
    Ms. Moon is just better at describing her conundrum than some of us are. Here in Mexico they have a Neurotics Anonymous so it's not just in the U.S. that we suffer from depression and anxiety. If only there were a magic pill that made us feel like Big Pharma promises us it will.
    And as for the minister who put up that sign -- my best guess is that his wife may murder him before long.

  12. I have the same kind of nervousness in certain situations--both in new situations, which is understandable, and also in everyday "normal" situations aka the doctor--which is not so understandable. Especially not since I deal with this problem by simply not going :)

    But enough about is interesting to me that you are ok with acting on a stage, but still have some trouble doing things like making appointments, etc. It's not a fear of being watched or being among folks, but more like a fear of conducting certain tasks. I dont know for certain, obviously, but most extreme social introverts do not love getting up on stage :)

    I am coming to terms with some of my phobia's and trying very hard to convince myself to meet my I am very much in tune to what you are feeling.

    Hoping you find peace tomorrow.

  13. Ms. Fleur- I do think I might need to hear a song played by Harley.

    MOB- Okay. But really, I probably should just start walking more. That would help. I know it would. But yes, pass the word on as to that drug.

    Ms. Lopo- WHAT? It's not NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS? It's really NEUROTICS anonymous? Man. I need me some of that.

    SJ- I have that doctor thing, too. Which is why I only go when I am desperate. And as to the acting thing- honestly, the performance is my least favorite part, although if the audience is made up of complete strangers, it is much easier. You are being brave to face your fears.

  14. I've been here before, too.

    I always just keep making myself go to our shared sanctum: Publix. It does a heart good to look at bright colors and distract oneself with the thoughts of recipes and full bellies.

    Hang in there. We're rooting for you.

  15. HoneyLuna- I love you too!

    Ben- Yeah, Publix does rock. I went today to get the ingredients to make butternut squash soup and chickpea samosas. My kitchen smells like heaven. AND IT COULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED WITHOUT OUR PUBLIX!
    (Which Publix is yours?)

  16. Oh, Lake Ella. I'm probably biased, but I think it's the best!

    I've been feeling this overwhelming need to cook. I just moved into a nice house and I guess I'm nesting. Last week it was lasagna, yesterday I made seitan, and today I'm thinking....peach cobbler? Nom nom nom.

  17. Well, I go to the Publix on East Mahan. It's closest to my house in Lloyd, plus my daughter and son-in-law work there so of course that is MY Publix. It's funny how we all have our own Publixes and love them best.
    And cook away! This is definitely soup weather.

  18. There is something oddly theraputic about Publix, isn't there? Even on my saddest and loneliest days, I am cheered up when I go there. It just in NOT the same at Winndixie *shudders*. I'm glad I am not the only one!


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