And Getting Even More Serious

I need to figure out what I'm doing for the rest of my life.

This is no joke. After thirty-one years of constant mothering duties, I seem to be out of work. The kids still need me, but on much more of a limited basis than when their diapers needed changing or their classrooms needed cupcakes. Know what I mean?

Frankly, I'm sort of happy just doing what I do now, which is taking care of a house and a husband and four dogs, but these days you get absolutely no respect for that plus the pay is abysmal. So I've been thinking a lot about maybe trying to enter the work force but I just can't figure out how to go about it. My resume would go something like this:

1970: Worked as a file clerk in doctor's office. Also ran errands and read charts of patients when no one was looking.

1972: Worked at MacDonald's. Worst part of job: Manager named Fat Steve. Also, having to wear puke yellow uniform made of polyester. Also, tourists from Michigan with seven children who all wanted to order separately. This was in the days when we added everything up in our heads.

1972-1974: Attended University of Denver for no apparent reason beyond learning how to smoke pot. Roomed at one time with Gale Norton, former Secretary of the Interior under George Bush.
Seriously.

1974-1976: Moved to Tallahassee and waitressed at various local restaurants.

1976-2007: Full time mother. During this time also spent four years at FSU getting a degree in nursing, passed nursing boards, got divorced, got married, had two more babies, worked at a birth center, worked for Weight Watchers, volunteered in classrooms, and was president of my daughter's high school PTSO for one year.

Special skills: Cooking. Helping women have babies. Breastfeeding. Diaper changing. Grocery shopping. Dish washing. Laundry. (My whites sing!) I type pretty fast, but not the numbers or symbols part. Just the letters. Am also good at decorating homes with things found at Goodwill and on the side of the road. Can garden and keep plants alive in pots. Very good at giving un-asked for advice which can sound wise and mean nothing. Excellent listening skills if you're talking about NPR. Also am good at officiating at weddings. And oh yes, going on vacation in Mexico. Do not speak Spanish, however.


Interests: Food. Books. Magazines. Blogs. Tim Gunn on Project Runway. Caffeine. Sleep.


Weaknesses: Diplomacy and people skills. For example, just this morning I told two lovely women who had come out in the rain to stand on my doorstep and tell me about Jesus and how He would guarantee my place in heaven if I would just admit to being a sinner and join them in Bible Study that I am not religious because I HAVE read the Bible already. I used to be a fast learner but I am not anymore. Still have current nursing license but get physically ill at the thought of hospitals. I actually plan my driving routes so as not to pass one. Seriously.


So. What do you think? Think maybe potential employers are lining up to pay me the big bucks and offer me health insurance based on this information?

I can't even think of what I'd like to do. What I'd like to do is what I do now, which is hang out at my house and write only with the added bonus of getting paid and maybe getting to go on a book tour now and then. Maybe have someone buy me a lunch occasionally to celebrate Tom Hanks wanting to make a movie of my latest book.
Something like that.

Any suggestions? All offers will be considered.

Seriously.