Saturday, January 6, 2024

I So Need To Get On Up


This popped up in my Facebook memories from six years ago which means I, myself, Mary Moon, have no memory of it all but hey- Thanks, Facebook!

I've been thinking all day long about how I have lost my motivation to do almost anything. It's gotten to the point where the thought of watering the porch plants almost makes me want to cry. I'm not taking walks, I'm not doing yard work, I haven't gotten either my flu shot or my latest covid vaccine. I've got all these things in my head that I could/should be doing like making an appointment to see a dermatologist, making an appointment to get my hair trimmed, finding the flannel to make Levon's name blanket, and so on and so forth and I am doing none of it. 
I spend most of the morning, every morning, reading blogs and commenting on blogs, perusing FB, reading the local paper, doing a crossword and then Wordle and another NYT's game called "Connections." This can easily take me up until noon at which time I start laundry, make the bed, and figure out what else I can (not) do for the rest of the day. 
It's ridiculous. 
Of course, some days I have to go to town to shop and some days I go to town to pick up August and Levon from school. I do cook us a decent supper every night. 
Put the point is, is that I don't WANT to do anything. I absolutely have to force myself to do the smallest tasks. 
Am I depressed? 
I ponder this. If I am, I don't think it's crippling. Because of anxieties I dread having to do things that are not part of my usual routine but my usual routine has become less and less productive. 

Today I did one load of laundry. One. And I have not folded and put it away yet. I worked in the garden, weeding for an hour or so and you know I do not hate doing that. But it all feels so overwhelming. I swept the kitchen which needed it badly. I watered the porch plants which takes me less than ten minutes but which seems to take all of my energy to do. The porches need sweeping. All of them. The oaks are dropping their leaves like crazy which is what they do here- they don't like to go until the new leaves are just about ready to push them off the branches anyway. The thought of actually doing something like raking is beyond my ability to imagine. There are downed branches in the yard that I need to pick up and put on the burn pile. There are cardboard boxes in the pantry that also need to be taken to the burn pile. There are places in the yard that need to be cleared and pruned of last year's growth, now dead and brown. I've never finished the bit of the front yard I was working on for awhile to pull the border grass and crocosmia and other assorted unwanted plants. I could be going through drawers and closets to winnow out all that stuff we don't need anymore. The books I pulled out of the library to take to donate somewhere (but where?) are still on the table in there, the project completely abandoned. 

I had a story idea last night and vowed to make an attempt at writing it but I can't really see that happening. 

So. What can I do about this except to sit here and gritch and whine about it? Please don't try and tell me that really, I'm doing plenty. I know I'm not. And although advising me to go out and start some volunteer gig is probably a great idea, that is not going to happen. I don't want to take yoga, I am not going to join a gym. 
I guess honestly, I just want to sit here and feel sorry for myself and feel guilty and old and definitely not in love with myself, losing myself in Facebook reels and jigsaw puzzles, the time passing like a dream with nothing to show for it. 

I had a friend at one time who told me that she woke up one day and she realized she was just absolutely in love with herself. 
I was first off, astounded. 
Secondly, I mystified. Was it even possible to be in love with oneself? Was it permitted? How did one come to that conclusion? 

Well, it turned out that she was absolutely a narcissist but that may or may not be the point here. Shouldn't we at least be able to tolerate ourselves? Shouldn't we be proud of some of the things that are uniquely us? 

Probably. How do we find the balance? I realize intellectually and also on a gut level that unless we are doing things that make us feel proud, we have no reason to be. 

Well, I do pick camellias. 



I guess that's something. 
I used to plant them, though. 

Here's something funny- this time of year there is some critter that makes a sound-song that I always thought was a bird. I've been trying and trying to get my Cornell bird app to identify it but it just won't. 
Guess what I just realized? 
It's not a bird. It's a frog. 
Well, it has a pretty song. It's a calling song, a three note announcement to the universe that it is here. 

That's probably what this blog is for me. 

Love...Ms. Moon


28 comments:

  1. It sounds like depression. Everything becomes overwhelming for me when I'm depressed, every single thing makes me want to cry.
    My pre Christmas depression has passed which is nice.
    That's all I got, and of course I'll send hugs and love to you. If you lived nearby (you'd probably freeze to death) but I would drag you out for a walk.

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  2. you cannot possibly know (or, you likely DO) how much your post rang true with me today. I am in the same boat. My motivation is almost zilch of late..... I guess my method of *coping* is at the end of the day....to try to think of what I *did* accomplish....yes....I cooked a decent meal, I folded the dryer full of laundry from 2 days ago, I washed my face and brushed my teeth.....I read, filled the hummingbird feeder and took out the trash. Is that enough? AM I depressed? Who knows.....big list of what *could do* and short list of *what* I do....but hey...... with all my heart I wish I could add *expert camellia picker* to my list, but I can't, sadly.
    Susan M

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    1. some days instead of a to do list I make a 'done' list - and put every dumb thing I did on it - paid a bill, returned a call - it usually makes me feel a little better

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  3. I also put in my resignation for August 30th, just haven't told my husband yet.

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  4. Why do we feel the need to be productive and then beat ourselves up when we're not? I haven't accomplished one damn thing today unless you include a three hour nap and a quick walk with the dogs. Sometimes I think we just have to say "fuck it". We feel how we feel. I just keep trying to remind myself that my worth as a human isn't contingent on accomplishing things. I still feel guilty though.

    Could it be a touch of seasonal depression? The after holiday letdown? This time of year is never my best, and maybe it's not yours either. I keep reminding myself that in a few short weeks, it will be the beginning of spring. The days will be longer and there will be more light. I hope it makes you feel better.

    As everyone keeps saying to me......be gentle with yourself. You are loved just the way you are.

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  5. I think your post will strike many chords with many people.
    Does it matter if what you are feeling has a name? It is what it is. And it will pass. I promise.
    In the meantime gaze at the beauty that is a camellia, listen to the frogbird, faff around on the computer (oh boy I relate to that!) and know that, above all, you are loved. And the love of your family and blogging friends will carry you until you can love yourself again - or at least tolerate yourself and that, in some ways, is harder than loving.

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    1. such wise words, Merlot!
      Susan M

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  6. I hit the depression button, too, in the let's diagnose Mary game. The seasonal one, SAD. It's very real. I know when it happens to me, too, and I'm not up for depression more than most. Don't go out looking for a cure before March. But when stuff is really growing and the sky is blue, you should be out there walking or weeding, or we will want to know the reason why.

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  7. You do sound depressed. But I'd argue that you can just be. You don't have to do. I doubt if you can agree with this right now. Most of us tend to equate value with action. But we're not action dolls, we're people. We can just be.

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  8. what if the universe is telling you the most important thing on your list to do right now is to simply be? if i'm overwhelmed and feel like i'm spinning out of control making a list of ONE THING i MUST do that day helps. i love you and hope you can get some answers or relief soon because spinning/ being stuck sucks. xxalainaxx

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  9. Maybe you just need a break. Hugs and have a restful night.

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  10. Some days, picking camellias is enough. And some days you do more. I'm currently going through a bit of the same, lying in bed later in the mornings knowing I should get up but what the heck for? Though I do eventually get up and go out to buy the paper so I can do the crosswords and then it's blog time and then it's dinner time and the day is done. It passes eventually and I get more stuff done, but really it doesn't make a lot of difference one way or the other. As long as the cat litter tray is cleaned daily, all is good here.

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  11. I'm in the same boat I bought a cookbook I have waited for and its been sitting unopened for weeks, I got a new sewing machine and it's still in the box and don't ask about housework. I have just like you lost all motivation and you know what who cares the world will still turn and life will go on. I think the problem is we are brought up to think if we are not doing something all the time we are letting the side down so take the time to just be Mary Moon and chill. All my love from frozen Scotland

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  12. Your post is so true for me too. If I have made some lunch and cooked a dinner, walked the dog and taken the rubbish to the outside bins, I feel that I have done enough. Never mind the housework, spare bedroom full of who knows what that needs sorting, etc etc !.
    I am so tired at the moment as said dog has had an upset tum for the last week, and seems to be OK in the day, but at night he wants to go outside every couple of hours...he excelled himself last night, keeping me up for hours on and off.( I am getting on with my jigsaw in the middle of the night though while he potters round the garden in the dark and cold) Just hoping that the third doses of medication that he has had this morning will finally sort him out, otherwise it will be back to the vet tomorrow and more expense!

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  13. I think we all feel like that on occasion, and then I wonder why I feel guilty on the days I do bugger all except look at Youtube!!! Why do we women hold ourselves to such high standards? My ex certainly had no problems just lazing around - and maybe he was right. What works for me is to set my timer on my phone (for an hour usually) and then just do something, anything. It's amazing what I get done in just one hour. Maybe you could set a timer for just 15 minutes - I bet you'd feel better afterwards! Hang in there Ms Moon!

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    1. That 15 minute timer is the only way I get anything done! ;)

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  14. What Boud said❤️right on. You can ride out the blues sometimes , but I would say, before the blues turn darker, get little blue pills , low dose- a leg up.

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  15. It just doesn't really matter in the scheme of things. Things get done, or not, and it's all okay. I sometimes feel useless in comparison to watching friends doing all the things. But...they still like me and I'm the only one who really feels that way. Who knows?
    I do thank you for your blog - it really strikes a chord, even though we don't have much in common. Thank you and please keep it going!

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  16. Well, now I don't feel so much like the Lone Ranger in lacking motivation to do much of anything. Perhaps it's the low Energy of this World right now affecting us in Negative ways? But, I do like acm's comment, since, it just doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things what gets done, or not, and it's all probably okay. Sometimes us Matriarchs burden ourselves with Too Much... taking a Break may be therapeutic and help us to Naturally recharge Body, Mind and Spirit?

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  17. I feel EXACTLY like this, Mary Moon. Why do we feel as if we are wasting time if we are not busy being productive every minute of every day?! I'm trying to allow myself to relax, rest, and enjoy spending time doing not much! Hours with blog friends, playing solitaire, reading - why not! I have given so many minutes of my life to doing for others. I am trying to convince myself it is okay to give this time to me. Let's do this, Mary!

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  18. Sometimes life can just be hard! When I’m having those motivation problems (to put it mildly) at times it helps me to just give into them and stop judging myself. At times, giving myself permission helps those times to pass. The James Brown to do list is brilliant and made me laugh. I might even post that in my office!

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  19. Well, I know you said not to tell you that you're doing plenty, but you ARE doing plenty. Perhaps it's a matter of helping yourself to see how much you're doing. That could be a matter of treating depression of maybe just moderating expectations. That's my take on it, for what it's worth.

    If I were there I'd help you load up those books and take them to Goodwill, and then we could shop for more stuff!

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  20. oh Mary, I've been going through the same thing. can't even focus on a book for longer than about 10 minutes. morning routine is read blogs or write a post, catch up on the news, drink my coffee, until 10 when I get up to make breakfast. I'm supposed to do my yoga routine during that time too but it's so easy to...not. then I have three hours to get stuff done before lunch at two. much of my time the last two months have been spent picking up pecans or shelling them. But, I'm coming out of it a little I think, determined to get two things done on my non-existent list every day. still, if I look around I'd run out of fingers to count all the things I'm not getting done.

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  21. It feels like you’re describing my days lately. Motivation seems to have disappeared totally. The question I dread most is “what are you doing now that you’re retired”. It makes me feel so guilty that I haven’t got a list of accomplishments or places I volunteer at. Makes me feel inadequate every time. You pick the prettiest camellias, seeing them always delights me.
    Xoxo
    Barbara

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  22. I am feeling exactly the same, for what it's worth

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  23. As many before me posted. I am going through the same thing. I beat myself up every day when I don't get anything done. I tried to break this pattern on Monday only to have some extreme pain in my right knee that made every step painfull. I had not done anything to bring this on so doubling irratating to me. Thankfully it finally started feeling better by Friday. I have been fighting depression/lack of motivation to do anything above the minumum for a long time now. Losing Jim my partner and then my dad three days later took a lot out of me and now the need to spend so much time with my mom and her dimentia knowing it is only going to get worse makes it hard for me to find happness these days. When I retired last June I thought I would have so much free time but feel like I have even less now.

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  24. I bought something silly for you today, will send when I get back …a happy silly thing . ❤️ Linda sue

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.