Tired of pictures of Maurice yet? Sorry. She's just so...available.
She slept with me last night which is a rare thing indeed! Okay, to be honest she slept on the bed with me but she didn't exactly cuddle up. In fact, she slept on her beloved's pillow. Although she did get a little snugglier this morning before I got up. I have no idea how she managed to tell Jack that he was not allowed on the bed but he didn't even try, as far as I know. She sat in the bathroom while I was getting ready for bed last night, and then she followed me into the bedroom and jumped up on the bed when I got under the covers.
That poor baby. She just gets so nervous about everything. But she's happy now. Her main human is home and I am hoping she can relax a little bit.
Okay. I want to write some more about the situation that happened in the Dollar General yesterday. I should have been more clear about that and why it was my mistake to have asked that question. There's going to be some brutal honesty here.
Lloyd is a very mixed community on many levels. Definitely economically. Now I don't know of anyone directly around here who is fabulously wealthy but I know there are some of those people who live within a few miles of here. At least judging by the homes they own. There are, however, plenty of folks who seem to be fairly well off and not exactly worrying about where their next meal is going to come from or whether or not they can afford to pay the light bill. There are also people who I am sure DO worry about how they're going to pay the light bill and there are even people like Harvey who don't have electricity.
So there is that.
There are professors who live around here as well as artists, drug dealers, law enforcement officers, people who work as mechanics, musicians, postal workers, ministers, and many other assorted jobs such as grocery store employees, service industry workers, prison industry workers, horse farmers, people who work in the cattle raising industry, people who work in the healthcare industry, and so much more. And although there is some delineation as to the different neighborhoods where differently-employed people live, a lot of us just live in extremely mixed areas where a very nice house is right next to a house with siding falling off it.
Education is another factor. We have folks who have PhD's and we have people who probably did not go to high school because they had to get jobs in order to help support their families, and all inbetween.
Let us not forget political differences. We have many die-hard Trump supporters and we have extremely left-leaning liberals who wouldn't vote for the Orange Intestine if you held a gun to their (our) heads.
But. The most obvious difference in our community's population is race. There are Black families who have lived on the same piece of land since their enslaved ancestors got their freedom. And there are white families who live in the houses that those ancestors probably built. I am one of those. This house was built before the Civil War and I seriously doubt that the men who built it were all white and free.
I am hyper-aware of my privilege. Every moment of my life. Not only was I born white but I was also raised in a house where hunger was never an issue and our power was never cut off because a bill wasn't paid. I've never been denied medical care for lack of money. I've had an education. I have a car and I don't have to scrimp and save to afford small luxuries. Or even some large ones. No one has ever addressed me with a racial epithet. No one has ever refused me service or told me I was not qualified for a job because of the color of my skin. No police officer has ever pulled me or my husband or our children over for a non-functioning tail light because we are Black and thus- probably guilty of a crime in some bigoted cop's mind.
And do you know why?
Because of the fact that I was born into the family I was born in.
I did nothing to make that happen. I have not earned the privileges that I was handed freely at my birth. And it is vastly apparent to me that I am no better than anyone else and I never, ever want to make anyone feel as if I think I am.
I am just another human being living on this earth in incredibly fortunate circumstances.
Now. I am a woman and we live in a male-dominated and patriarchal society. Also, I have a trans child and I do very much worry about their safety. So perhaps these things have given me a little more empathy.
And here's why what I said to that man in the Dollar General was wrong yesterday:
First off, I think he may suffer from some mental health issues. I see him walking past my house talking to himself and whenever I greet him, he never responds. Obviously, he has no interest in speaking to me or with me and I should have respected that.
Secondly, what sort of white lady bullshit is it to imply that I might know more about where to find anything in the Dollar General store than he does?
Thirdly, "Are you looking for something?" is often code for "What the hell are you doing here? You look suspicious to me." And trust me- this is absolutely the truth. That is a very loaded question.
Of those three reasons that I should not have asked him that question, the one that resonates most loudly with me is the white lady bullshit one. "Oh here, you (probably) poor, (probably) uneducated, (possibly) not-quite-in-your-right mind, Black boy- let me, with my old, educated, white lady knowledge help steer you to an answer to the information you are so obviously seeking."
Yes. I was just trying to be helpful. Also, I have a sometimes ridiculous need to assure others that I see them, that I am not one of those people. And because of that, the second the words, "Are you looking for something?" left my mouth, I knew that I should have just walked on out of the store and given this man his privacy. In fact, even before he asked me if I worked there, those same words came to me- Do I work here? No. So why did I say that?
That's what I wanted to try and explain tonight. I hope you understand. And it's on me if people do not understand because these things are far more complex than just determining whether or not a person is being rude.
Was he rude? Eh, perhaps.
Do I understand why he said what he said?
Fuck yes.
And there you go. I will also tell you that I went to the Lloyd Farmer's Market this morning on my way to the post office and there were four tables set up. One was selling dessert-type items, one was selling spice mixes for rubs, one was selling crocheted doo-dads, and one was actually selling produce. I bought a basket of squash.
Not sure how any of those venders made enough money to pay for the gas to get to Lloyd, but perhaps things will be better in the spring.
Love...Ms. Moon
Good post, Ms Moon. One of the things that we all should do is try to understand what life looks like through the lens that others have, because it is quite often very different than the one we have,
ReplyDeleteExactly! Just as I cannot view life through the man's lens in the DG, it is very hard for many people to view things through my lens. The older I get, the more I realize that.
DeleteThat makes a lot more sense, when you add in all the details, about why he was offended by the question.
ReplyDeleteI'm reading a book right now called "Pineapple Street" which is about white privilege and very rich people in New York City. I'm just fine living in northern Canada. My parents were working class and my dad worked damned hard to make sure he left us all money. That was important to him. My parents never once went on a fancy trip, Vegas, Hawaii, Mexico or anyplace else, because my dad wanted to leave us all some money, and he did. Now that I'm older I can understand it better. He grew up in extreme poverty and wanted to give his own children a leg up. My mum grew up middle class in England and I think she had a hard time with the lack of material things that she would have liked. Who knows? Now I've gone off on a tangent.
Oh, I bet there were some frustrations and misunderstandings in that marriage. Seriously.
DeleteI am hearing you and the myriad of complexities. But still, in my mind.....I don't think your question was any *white lady BS* and the simple question of *are you looking for something* should not translate (to most folks) as being a *suspicious* question in nature. Very complex in all aspects as you say, and I understand that, but I still think even if mental illness may also be a factor on his part, I believe he was just plain rude in his response because I'm sure your *body language* when you asked him the question, was not one of *priviledged attitude*. though he may not have been capable of perceiving that. So many human interactions can be complex and we pore over them for days sometimes....... trying to figure them out....I certainly hope it will not deter you in any way (don't think it will) from you being your normal, loving and open Ms Moon self..... Not eloquent in my thoughts here...but you will *get me*.
ReplyDeleteSusan M
But see, Susan- it doesn't matter what I had in my heart or what anyone else thinks. If that man found my question to be rude, then that's how he felt it. And you have to trust me that suspicion plays a part in both sides of this equation.
DeleteAnd of course I will still greet people and chat- most people here are quite open to that. But I will absolutely be more aware of the times when it's not appropriate.
I am old and white and had a privileged youth in New England, but have lived across the Gulf from you in a western outpost of the Confederacy for decades, so yesterday ‘s post truly resonated with me and I knew just why you felt as you did. Some years ago one of the operations team (security and maintenance) at the library where I volunteer mentioned his school days at Holy Rosary, the island’s historically Black parish, and I, a fellow parochial school alum, exclaimed, “I didn’t know you were a Catholic boy, James!”, and then wanted to disappear for what I’d said without thinking. James retired five or six years ago, and we run into each other occasionally. The last time was this past summer when I was headed into the supermarket and heard someone shout, “Is that Margaret?!” It was James, and we had a happy little catchup. I drove home thinking that although we have many miles to go, nobody seemed to blink an eye at the sight of an old white woman and an old Black man sharing an enthusiastic hug in the parking lot. Margaret
ReplyDeleteYou have brought a tear to my eye. There is nothing I love more than feeling mutual respect with someone in my neighborhood with whom I seemingly have nothing in common.
DeleteYes, it’s the mutual respect that does it. Margaret
DeleteGrowing up in South Carolina, I totally "got" why you felt bad about asking the question. I forget that others here don't have the same cultural references that you and I do, and might have been hard for them to understand.
ReplyDeleteyour comment has given me great cause to ponder, Jennifer. Perhaps (without the cultural reference) I may be viewing this from a more *merely human* aspect.....and not taking these other things into account, because I can't. But....thanks for the persepective!
DeleteSusan M
Exactly, Jennifer. Thank you for explaining that so succinctly. And I think that Susan may be right- this is not a "merely human" aspect. It is far more complex than that.
DeleteI'm a straight up mid western woman, but have had enough experiences, both here and around the country, and especially in the deep south, to understand where you're coming from, Mary. Thanks for the explanation.
ReplyDeleteJoanne, you are a woman quite capable of great empathy and wisdom. Thank you.
DeleteThank you for the explanation, Mary. What you said made sense. I imagine this whole thing isn't as simple as the surface looks. Many variables here.
ReplyDeleteThe fact you've seen him talking to himself going down the street (unless he was on the phone) could be a significant issue...i.e. mental health issues.
Thankfully we didn't lose power, but the wind roared all night. I was amazed there were no limbs/trees down in the area. The wind chill is well below zero here. Not safe for man nor beast out there. Tomorrow will be another cold one. Send some sunshine up this way...if you have any!
Paranormal John
Yep. Lots of factors here in a situation like this. It also occurs to me that the man may have been completely stressed out or anxious about something and when I asked that inane question, it really could have triggered him.
DeleteI am glad you did not lose power! Please stay warm and safe. We did have some sunshine today.
Mary, thank you. Nail, head, bang.
ReplyDeleteI knew yesterday that you understood. Thank you. Liz, you are such a wise and knowing woman.
DeleteI would hate to have to constantly think about what I was saying for fear of offending. Life is tricky here, too, but not to your degree. We all seem to muddle along.
ReplyDeleteMore Maurice photos please. She is beautiful.
Thank you for the explanation. Things are so different here in Australia, most of the time anybody can ask anyone else absolutely anything, though there are times the answer is F-off, those times are few.
ReplyDeleteIs the area where you live more homogenous when it comes to population? That makes a huge difference.
DeleteAnd yeah- at least the guy did not tell me to fuck off. Come to think of it, he was relatively polite.
Mostly white people from all countries with a lot of Asians and Indians from India, there are black people, I see them in the city and on buses and trams but not in my suburb, but I see them being treated just as we all treat each other, no one sees any difference, no one gets suspicious. Many hold well-paying jobs too. There are indigenous aboriginals too, they tend to hang around in the city parklands and the shelters where they get food, they don't seem to have jobs.
DeleteThank you, Mary. This puts the incident into clearer perspective. How easy it is to open mouth, insert foot - especially when navigating so many parameters.
ReplyDeleteAs we're swapping weather reports in the comments: 2 degrees here last night, and a foot of fresh powder snow on the ground (very unusual here in town) as of this evening. No wind, so no worry about power outages here, unlike much of the country. Soup, bread, jigsaw puzzle and hunker down tomorrow - snow day!
Chris from Boise
Two degrees. No. Bless your heart! Yes, definitely soup, bread, puzzle, hunkering weather.
DeleteYou dissected that brief exchange very well and very thoroughly. I picked up on why you felt that way even in your original post, and I hear what you're saying about privilege. It is definitely the kind of thing someone might say as "code" for "What are you doing here?" or "Why are you standing so close to me?" or some similarly challenging phrase. Those of us who grew up in the South are probably particularly attuned to such coded language.
ReplyDeleteI guess my instinct to defend you stems from knowing you and knowing that you meant no hostility. But obviously he doesn't know what's in your heart.
Race and class -- what a minefield, particularly in the South.
I think that all empathetic southerners might get this in a way that others can't. Another coded phrase is, "Can I help you?" It CAN mean, "is there something I can help you with?" but it can also mean, "what the hell are you doing here?"
DeleteAnd no, that guy doesn't know me from Adam. I'm just an old white woman whom he sees living in a big house.
Thanks for explaining the situation, Mary. Makes sense.
ReplyDeleteIt's complex. So many unwritten rules and customs.
DeleteWell, Mrs. Moon. Yesterday, I thought "weellll, maybe she should not have said anything, maybe" but then today you tell us that this gentleman was well known to you as a person who shuns human interaction outside of his bubble and could have some mental problems. So now I know you are right today. If you HAD to speak to this gentleman, a simple "Hello" would have sufficed. But, its okay. It was just your grandmotherly helpfullness getting in the way of what your brain was thinking. We all have moments that we could rethink and redo. So, big deal.
ReplyDeleteNo, I'm not upset about it. I have learned what I needed to learn, I think, from the experience. I am human and as such, I make many mistakes.
DeleteOh Mary Moon - that is exactly how I feel, all of it. I always say my good fortune is an accident of birth, nothing more. And maybe the reframe for you is that although you meant no harm, you caught it and recognized it and that is more than, oh, 98% of white people, especially in a red state. xo
ReplyDeleteI think there are lots of white people in the south who would absolutely go out of their way to be respectful to a person of a different color. But the thing is- meaning often gets lost in translation. I think of how it was not that long ago (and probably still is in many places) where people would say of their maid, "Oh, we love Jenette! She's just like one of the family." Meanwhile, Jenette was probably seething in the background thinking, "Oh no I'm not!" But think of Jimmy Carter and his family's relationship with their Black neighbors. I think they honestly were very close and respected each other and were good neighbors to each other. Like I keep saying- it's complex and we can't stereotype one side OR the other.
DeleteThank you for clarifying. I was upset that most of your commenters did not understand the entirety of the situation, or hear the coded message in your innocent question. That coding happens EVERYWHERE, not just in the US, US south or in red states. Thank you for explaining. No name this time.
ReplyDeleteThank you, sweet friend, for reminding us of that. It's not just the south in the US. I think we are just far more famous for it.
DeleteLoving the exchanges that you’ve facilitated here—37P
ReplyDeleteThe Dollar General exchange, well, sometimes it's difficult to know what Offenses can be taken even if none are intended. We all have a lens we see and experience Life thru, each differently and it all can be so complex. So long as intentions are pure then it's unfortunate if someone misreads whatever is said or an action... it happens. I do always try to understand how anyone reacts in a defensive fashion, Life can be hard sometimes and we just never know what someone else might have gone thru and experienced before our exchanges with them.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely understand this now. Well done -- well, well explained. Maybe not so well done in hindsight. You live, you learn.
ReplyDelete