I walked into the kitchen this morning and told my husband who was eating his Honey Nut Cheerios that we need to move to Hawaii. This after my heartfelt and emotional words about how much I love Florida and all of its heat and craziness and beauty and wonder the other day.
"Why?" he asked, looking up from the sports section of the newspaper.
And then I went into my long, sad story which actually and truly brought tears to my eyes by the time I got to the frog.
I've had a little bit of poison ivy on the back of my left knee which I haven't even mentioned because Mr. Moon has had one of the worst cases of poison ivy I've ever seen on both forearms and I'd have been in the hospital with it if it was on my body but he has been so stoic about it that I couldn't even mention my tiny little bout with it. But last night it kept waking me up and there was another place in the sweet spot between body and leg, in that crease which is one of the delineating borders of the delicate fertile delta on the female body which was also driving me crazy with itching so I got up and went to the kitchen to see if I could find some Benadryl cream or something to calm the fire. Before I started rummaging through the drawer where I keep such things, though, I checked the place on my body and goddam motherfuck it was a fucking tick, swollen and feeding from my nethers, probably giving me Lyme disease and THE FIRST OFFICIAL TICK ON MY OWN PERSONAL BODY OF THE SUMMER!
Of course my glasses were at the other end of the house which is about a tenth of a mile from where I was standing and so I trekked through the darkness to go and get them and returned to the bathroom off the kitchen where the light is so bright you could easily perform surgery in there and then I proceeded to try and perform said-surgery on myself, a tickotomy, perhaps, but I realized I needed the tweezers which were back in my other bathroom and so I made the long hike again through the darkness and by the time I'd finished mutilating that tick as best I could, the head was still embedded in me and there was no more I could personally do and that is not a good feeling but shit, Martha, it was 3:45 a.m. and I was not going to wake up my husband. So I applied antibiotic ointment over the whole mess and went to wash my hands when a tiny tree frog scrambled away from the faucet where he'd been perched unbeknownst to me and hopped up the wall.
That's when I really started to lose it.
Fucking Florida. Jesus.
It took me so long to get back to sleep I don't know why I bothered trying.
So that's why I told Mr. Moon we needed to move to Hawaii but of course that's ridiculous. They have plenty of ticks in Hawaii (I just looked it up) and probably far more frogs than we have here. I see via google that they do not have poison ivy but then again, there's the active volcano factor.
There's just no place which is perfect, is there?
And it's so beautiful here this morning. Cool and yesterday's rain making everything sparkle and gleam. Here's a spiderweb bejeweled and glowing.
The garden, due to my husband's care and tending and certainly not mine, is looking pretty good. We will get at least one good meal of squash, maybe two.
And it's all just so green.
Everything is just as fresh and perky and happy as a new set of titties and of course we're going to have ticks and mosquitoes and frogs and poison ivy. You just can't have the glory without the pain. And believe me- I have nothing against frogs. I love them in theory but I do not want to touch them and do not want them in my house. It's sort of like bats, which of course we also have.
And sunshine. Which reminds me that I have an appointment with a dermatologist this afternoon to get some places on my face checked out. Everyone I freaking know who is my age in Florida right now is getting carved and burned and cut and lasered to have skin cancers removed. While out in Beverly Hills they line up at the dermatologist to get their faces smoothed out and pulled up, we here in Florida don't give a shit how we look, we just want the damn skin cancers removed.
So. That's what's happening here. Mr. Moon put on his headlamp and dug out the rest of the tick before he went to work and I guess I'll go take my walk now and try to avoid having to pee which is how I believe I get the poison ivy and ticks. By ducking off the path into the woods and pulling down my shorts and squatting over the ground. You'd think that I could go for half an hour without having to pee but you'd be wrong. That has nothing to do with Florida and everything to do with old age.
I'm sure that frog is still in the kitchen and eventually I'll have to deal with it but at least it's not a snake and yes, I've found snakes twice in my kitchen in my life here in Florida and you know what? There are NO snakes in Hawaii. I hear the coffee's really good there too.
I've always sort of wanted to play the ukulele.
Good morning, y'all.