Tuesday, April 30, 2013

The Dark Side

I walked into the kitchen this morning and told my husband who was eating his Honey Nut Cheerios that we need to move to Hawaii. This after my heartfelt and emotional words about how much I love Florida and all of its heat and craziness and beauty and wonder the other day.
"Why?" he asked, looking up from the sports section of the newspaper.

And then I went into my long, sad story which actually and truly brought tears to my eyes by the time I got to the frog.

I've had a little bit of poison ivy on the back of my left knee which I haven't even mentioned because Mr. Moon has had one of the worst cases of poison ivy I've ever seen on both forearms and I'd have been in the hospital with it if it was on my body but he has been so stoic about it that I couldn't even mention my tiny little bout with it. But last night it kept waking me up and there was another place in the sweet spot between body and leg, in that crease which is one of the delineating borders of the delicate fertile delta on the female body which was also driving me crazy with itching so I got up and went to the kitchen to see if I could find some Benadryl cream or something to calm the fire. Before I started rummaging through the drawer where I keep such things, though, I checked the place on my body and goddam motherfuck it was a fucking tick, swollen and feeding from my nethers, probably giving me Lyme disease and THE FIRST OFFICIAL TICK ON MY OWN PERSONAL BODY OF THE SUMMER!

Of course my glasses were at the other end of the house which is about a tenth of a mile from where I was standing and so I trekked through the darkness to go and get them and returned to the bathroom off the kitchen where the light is so bright you could easily perform surgery in there and then I proceeded to try and perform said-surgery on myself, a tickotomy, perhaps, but I realized I needed the tweezers which were back in my other bathroom and so I made the long hike again through the darkness and by the time I'd finished mutilating that tick as best I could, the head was still embedded in me and there was no more I could personally do and that is not a good feeling but shit, Martha, it was 3:45 a.m. and I was not going to wake up my husband. So I applied antibiotic ointment over the whole mess and went to wash my hands when a tiny tree frog scrambled away from the faucet where he'd been perched unbeknownst to me and hopped up the wall.
That's when I really started to lose it.
Fucking Florida. Jesus.

It took me so long to get back to sleep I don't know why I bothered trying.

So that's why I told Mr. Moon we needed to move to Hawaii but of course that's ridiculous. They have plenty of ticks in Hawaii (I just looked it up) and probably far more frogs than we have here. I see via google that they do not have poison ivy but then again, there's the active volcano factor.

There's just no place which is perfect, is there?

And it's so beautiful here this morning. Cool and yesterday's rain making everything sparkle and gleam. Here's a spiderweb bejeweled and glowing.

The garden, due to my husband's care and tending and certainly not mine, is looking pretty good. We will get at least one good meal of squash, maybe two.

And it's all just so green. 

Everything is just as fresh and perky and happy as a new set of titties and of course we're going to have ticks and mosquitoes and frogs and poison ivy. You just can't have the glory without the pain. And believe me- I have nothing against frogs. I love them in theory but I do not want to touch them and do not want them in my house. It's sort of like bats, which of course we also have. 

And sunshine. Which reminds me that I have an appointment with a dermatologist this afternoon to get some places on my face checked out. Everyone I freaking know who is my age in Florida right now is getting carved and burned and cut and lasered to have skin cancers removed. While out in Beverly Hills they line up at the dermatologist to get their faces smoothed out and pulled up, we here in Florida don't give a shit how we look, we just want the damn skin cancers removed. 

So. That's what's happening here. Mr. Moon put on his headlamp and dug out the rest of the tick before he went to work and I guess I'll go take my walk now and try to avoid having to pee which is how I believe I get the poison ivy and ticks. By ducking off the path into the woods and pulling down my shorts and squatting over the ground. You'd think that I could go for half an hour without having to pee but you'd be wrong. That has nothing to do with Florida and everything to do with old age. 

I'm sure that frog is still in the kitchen and eventually I'll have to deal with it but at least it's not a snake and yes, I've found snakes twice in my kitchen in my life here in Florida and you know what? There are NO snakes in Hawaii. I hear the coffee's really good there too.


I've always sort of wanted to play the ukulele. 

Good morning, y'all. 

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. I'd rather have frogs than ticks. Or sharks. Though I know you have those too.

    BLEH to ticks.

    Um, what was I going to say. Google Black Salve for skin cancer, youtube and google. V interesting.

  2. I got my first bite of the season yesterday. on my ribcage. I don't know what these things are that bite singly and itch and make big red welts. chiggers my sister says but they don't act like chiggers. it's not like I'm sitting on a dead log in the woods, I'm out in my back yard where we mow. and would a chigger really travel from my feet up to my rib cage to bite?

  3. "delineating borders of the delicate fertile delta on the female body" That was classic...

    I am sorry about the tick though. You know I hate the little fuckers. I'm not going to lecture you, but I will say that I highly recommend getting a Western Blot test to see if you have been infected.

    RE The frog. I used to find them in my washer when it was out on the back porch... yikes! Too much nature!

  4. Well, you know what I'm going to say.

  5. I do that too when it's cold and dry here, want to move somewhere else. Then spring comes and I stop complaining for a while. Everywhere has its good and bad I guess, and with all the beautiful pictures you post, I'd say there's more good where you are. Your garden looks amazing. Hang in there.

  6. Jo- I have heard about black salve. I dunno. I knew of a woman who treated a cancer with it and she is dead now so...
    But maybe it works better for some types of cancers than others.

    Ellen Abbott- Chiggers usually show up where clothing rubs on the body. Was that under a bra? And believe me, chiggers can crawl.
    So could be.

    Ms. Fleur- I'd have to take a test every week. At least. Yes. Way too much nature around here sometimes.

    Elizabeth- Green tea? Light and love?

    Kelly- I suppose this is as good as anyplace and far better than some. Especially for someone who cannot bear the cold.

  7. Wow. Aside from the ticks (which we have in Canada) and tree frogs (which we also have) and poison ivy (which is rare around here) - i ADORE your house. That porch is the porch of my dreams.

    I hope you get those thngs cleared up, I was just reading about something that cured poison ivy but I forget what it was.

    love, d xo

  8. The opposite of Florida is New Zealand. The insects don't bite or feed off of you. And the weather is perfect. I think the only thing that bugged me, was when I put clothes out on the line to dry on the most beautiful cloudless, sunny day, the sky would open up and soak them again.

  9. "Everything is just as fresh and perky and happy as a new set of titties."

    Well damn. What could be better?

  10. I could sure do without the ticks and snakes, but I don't ever want to live to far away from the salt water.

  11. Ticks in the nether regions suck. But it sounds like a great opportunity when Mr. Moon was working that tick out. You are not too old for that, I imagine.

    I have to get my annual check up with the dermatologist too. My arms seems to take the worst of the sun, and then he will burn off the things that he doesn't like.

  12. oh my goddd --in high school once, i felt something crawling up my leg, under my jeans, in the one class with the teacher who didn't let anyone leave the room...i left, needless to say, and it was a damn tick, heading right into that region you so eloquently described, i was practically shitting bricks as i ran to the bathroom...down those long ass high school hallways...!

  13. I say (and what I think Elizabeth would say) is MOVE TO CALIFORNIA! :)

    Course it was 90 here yesterday and we've got those damned earthquakes... so, you know. It sucks.

  14. My neighbor just came back from Hawaii swearing they're going to move there because Hawaii doesn't have snakes, apparently. I can't go half an hour without peeing, either.

    The new titties line made my day.

  15. Isn't it funny how we get used to what we have always known? I think I'd freak if there was a bat in my house or a frog in my kitchen but we don't have those things in LA. Despite a desire to move, it seems that our hearts are where our loved ones are and you like so much about Florida and you have that strong man to take care of you and of course your kids and your babies. As for the tick, I hope your dermatologist checks the site and makes sure it is clean and infection free and then I'd wear Depends on your walks. Sweet Jo

  16. deirdre dear- If you remember what in hell it was, please rush back and tell me.

    Melissa- Sigh. I could deal with the wet clothes. Oh, how I could deal.

    Angella- Not much!

    Gail- Me either! I hear Hawaii has a lot of it, though.

    Madame King- They are loathsome.

    Syd- Get your mind out of the gutter, Sir! (Haha. No. We are not too old.)

    big mamabird- Oh my god! That story! Are you scarred for life? I would be. Poor you!

    Stephanie- Yeah, that earthquake thing sorta freaks me the fuck out.

    Ms. Vesuvius- I drink a lot of water. And coffee. And thus- I pee a lot.
    Glad you liked that line. I thought it was a lovely image.

    Sweet Jo- I did not even mention the tick to the dermatologist. That would have cost another $150, I am sure.

  17. The ticks always creep me out when you talk about them. Such nasty little varmints, they are.

  18. gradydoctor- These damn ticks are going to catch up with me one day. I'm gonna get bit by the wrong one. I just know it. Or...maybe not.

  19. That titties line just cracked me up. You have such a way of putting things.

    Unfortunately ticks are pretty much everywhere. We have them here in England, too. I haven't seen many tree frogs but we do have a busload of snails and slugs. So, you know, it's always something.

  20. Steve Reed- It IS always something. You can bet on that.

  21. Vaseline on the ass of a tick is supposed to make them pull their heads out of your skin. Apparently they are ass breathers. This is according to Mrs. Snow, who taught me Animal Care and English in grade eight. I've never seen a tick, but if I ever do, he's getting the Vaseline.

    My mom died of skin cancer. Every mole or freckle I have scares the ever loving shit out of me.


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