Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Pain And Promise




I do not feel sassy today or funny. I feel old and I feel tired and I hurt. I hurt in joint and in muscle. I feel the ache of the loss of my body's ability to function the way it used to. 

I want to cry.

How do we gracefully accept the changes of aging? Where is the line between constantly trying to push through limitations and learning to live with them?

I do not know know.

I am merely quite aware of a universal sense of loss which, perhaps, is what aging is. Loss of loved ones, loss of dreams, loss of mental acuity, loss of the glorious ability of the young animal body to function without pain, loss of flexibility in both body and in general life, loss of so many things that if I listed them all I might go mad.

Well. There is still much to be grateful for and there are still dreams, there is still love, there are still pleasures.

Last night when we went to bed, my husband and I kissed and I held the back of his neck so that he would know that I was truly meaning the kiss, that it wasn't just a good-night-I-love-you-sleep-well peck, but a sharing of my soul with his and after we had kissed, our eyes met and held so lovingly with so much feeling between us for a long second and that was one of the best seconds of my life.

I think of that and I think maybe I am learning, a tiny bit at a time, that even as there is loss in aging, there is also an ever-growing acknowledgment of what still remains. What, in fact, can still grow and in some way, be magnified and more brightly lit by the very losses we must all endure.

And I am somewhat comforted.




14 comments:

  1. You say what I think, only you're so damn eloquent and I'm a pleb.
    My post would be "I'm aching from too damn much yard work and the old man and I got jiggy."
    Sigh. I guess we can't all me awesome! :) Have a hot bath and a great day!

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  2. You know, it may not be all aging. From your last post it sounded like the amount of gardening left you sore before you ever went to bed... It's a thought.

    xo

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  3. Yah, the body doesn't respond like it used too, but I find there is a lot of freedom in aging.

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  4. heartinhand- There is a place for every sort of writing, I believe. Don't discount your own voice. Please.

    Ms. Fleur- Well of course that was it. The point is that what used to be no problem at all is now a source of pain.

    Ellen Abbott- I need to try and think of it that way. For now, it feels like a cage.

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  5. Yes, Mary, exactly. Those moments of loss have grown from a whisper to a scream, and every day is a struggle to stay hopeful that I'll feel better or think better tomorrow. Watching my husband age beside me is a comfort and a sorrow too. We could never see this far down the road, and it's looking to be a heavy journey. And I'm torturing myself with knowing all that I'm going to miss in this life that I didn't plan on missing, and all the crap I never planned on dealing with. I'm not ready for the rocking chair in the corner with a vacant stare just yet.

    I love that you can capture the poignancy of this time in our lives so eloquently and perfectly.

    I hope that you feel younger and lighter tomorrow, body and spirit.
    xo

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  6. Sometimes, it's enough to make me weep.

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  7. I concur with how you are feeling. In 3 words, it's a bitch - except for that kiss. That is beautiful. Sweet Jo

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  8. I don't like feeling stiff after I work hard for hours. But it simply is part of what it's all about as I get older. I don't see anything redeeming about it right now. I see my FIL wasting away at 91. He used to be such a force but now needs to be fed and is incontinent. Not much fun.

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  9. Such aching beauty. Just stunning. And oh I know.

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  10. It's hard losing bits of your self. I remember vividly how strong I was just 10 years ago. Ten years ago I rode a bicycle through the French Alpes and enjoyed the work. That's over. My husband and I talk about mitigating risk, not getting hurt with sports we still do because healing takes so long, and etc. and etc. I never thought this would happen to me. I feel your pain.

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  11. As John says on a weekly (or at times daily) basis, "I'm a shadow of my former self."

    Well, your last paragraph proves that we are still alive and feeling!

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  12. Oops, I meant last-to-next paragraph, the one about kissing and sharing...

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