Friday, December 25, 2009

Love's Light Reflected




Christmas night and every one has gone home and Mr. Moon is in the woods hunting and it's very quiet except for some frogs in the back yard who sound like birds, singing duets and trios, trilling and thrilling the night peace.

And for whatever reason, for whatever miracle, the Christmas demons which have haunted me for so many years have not made their appearance today. At all. Do you know what that means to me?
Some of you do.

Everyone opened their pillowcases and there were beautiful gifts and silly gifts and sweet gifts but the gift we all loved the most was this one, of course:


Here's a picture of that boy with his great-grandmother on my side of the family, my own mother:

Even that, having my mother here, was okay and not so bad. She is trying. And so shall I. And she loves that boy. She's always loved babies. I'll say that for the woman. And she still does. And I know that she never had the opportunity to be with her grandchildren the way I have with Owen. She hasn't had a tenth of the joy in her life that I've had. I know that.
She brought over a picture she'd recently found of her and my father when they were a very young couple. I wish I'd taken a picture of it. She really doesn't look that different now, sixty years later, except her hair was very dark and longer and she was younger, of course. I looked into her face in that picture and my father's, too, and tried to find my own face there and I couldn't. Not in either one. But it was something, to see those young, smiling faces, standing up tall to life. And maybe, finally, that was my father coming to see me on Christmas. Who knows? Who the hell knows?
He was sort of cute, that father of mine. Had a forelock of dark hair. But his face was too mysterious for me to really judge it. Black and white photo, crinkled edges, they were at the beach, Mama's baggy jeans rolled up, she was wearing what looked like my daddy's big white shirt. Who were they then? What did they give to me? What have I taken from them?
I don't know. The sacred mysteries of the DNA.
I am glad I saw the picture. I am glad my mother brought it out.

And speaking of pictures- you see that one at the top? That was Jessie's gift to me. She drew that from my blog picture. Now, Jessie is not an artist. So she says. But do you see that? When I unwrapped it, I thought she'd scanned that photo and colored it. I did. But no. She drew it. She wrote on the back of it that she'd stared at my picture for hours. This is what she said:

I can't say I was successful in my attempts, but I sure do know your smile in my heart, and it was fun trying to put it on paper.

Ah shit. Ah shit, ah shit.

She said more, too, but I am too bashful to write it down here.
But look- my child sees me. She knows me. My face is not a mystery to her nor is her daddy's. She drew me and she surrounded me with all the things I love.

Yes. Merry Christmas.
I have been gifted above anything I could ever have imagined.
And the demons have been put to rest for this year, at least, and I am here, in this house, with my love, and all of my children are like- oh hell. I have no words. I can't even try to write what I feel because my eyes begin to sting and it's just too much. Jessie gave me wings in that picture. My children have given me my wings. Whatever flying it is that I can do, it is because of them and because of my husband who has always said to me, "I just wanted to look into the eyes of someone who saw me the way I wanted to be."
Amen.

And thus- I am the luckiest woman in the world.

Mr. Moon is home from the woods. The frogs are still trilling. It is not cold here, it is not hot. I am sitting the porch of my dream house. I had a good Christmas. My children know my face and they love me. I know their souls and I love them.

This has been the best Christmas. There has been love of every kind. And I am going to go to bed on Christmas night without having one wish, all day, that I could be, well, elsewhere. Not one.

I changed my grandson's shitty diaper today. And you can say I'm crazy but that was a joy I can't describe. I have looked into my children's faces. I have looked into my mother's face. I have looked into my husband's face. I have looked into my grandson's face and I have seen reflected the person I want to be.

Ah yah. It's been good. It's been very, very good.

I hope yours has too. I hope there was love because honestly, that's all that matters. And there has to be love for yourself. Do you know that? Do you honestly know that? If there has been one person who looked into your face and loved it for what it is, then you, too, have had a good Christmas.
Because you are worth loving. You have your own light. The light you were born with and sometimes it takes someone else to look at you with love and reflect it back for you to remember.

I have and that has made it the best Christmas of all.

Peace to you all.

Merry Christmas.

Love...Ms. Moon

19 comments:

  1. In love and baby poo, Mary, Happy Christmas xx

    Word v - subpre - under before?

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  2. Wow!!!!!! Big stuff!!!! Unexpected stuff!!! Cool stuff!!!!! I am so happy for you. Sounds like a perfect Christmas to me.

    I have another little gift that Owen will be sure to need soon. It is from Erin (Blogging for Dorks) I ordered a bunch of stuff from her and she asked me to give it to you for Owen,and I forgot! Anyway, I'll trot it over tomorrow.

    Happy happy Christmas... and thanks again for lastnight. We had such a festive lovely time.
    xo pf

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  3. PS Forgot to mention, LOVE the picture!!! I thought it might have been May who made it. In any case it's marvelous.
    xo

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  4. Wow, Jessie IS TOO an artist! That's beautiful. What a gift. Yes, you're right, to be SEEN is so important and necessary. I love how you tied it all together, how it all flowed out in your words. Your Mom now, the photo, your dad come to you on Chritmas through that photos, Mr Moon (oh what a lovelt thing to say), Owen, Jessie's amazing gift, all your children. Wow.
    Glad too the demons stayed away.
    I think you've been working hard to help that happen.
    I couldn't manage Christmas but I did do Christmas Eve. Got my crayons. Played with them a bit today. So that's okay.
    Peace and joy to you.

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  5. Jo- Underbefore works for me.

    Ms. Fleur- Really? A gift from Erin? I feel so lucky. Did Harley love Christmas? Talk to you tomorrow, honey.

    Bethany- I am looking at you and showing you how beautiful you are.
    Merry Christmas.
    Love...Mary

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  6. Nice to think that your father paid you a "visit" for Christmas. This life is so funny sometimes. I had a pretty good day too, and sort of can't believe it's over already.

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  7. Oh Ms. Moon, this is beautiful from beginning to end. I love Jessie's painting, and I love the look on your face with Owen asleep on your chest.

    And I love your words. As always.

    I'm so, so glad you had a good day. Glad the light eclipsed the dark. It was a good day here, as well.

    Love,
    michelle

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  8. I'm so glad for you. And thank you, for spreading the cheer.

    Love you!

    Elizabeth

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  9. That was an awesome blog post. I watched Jessie color your face with beautiful water colors and outline the picture with pretty things. She asked me if I wanted to watch a show on the internet and I said no, that I wanted to watch her and her craft. She is so talented.

    I'm glad your day was amazing. :)

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  10. It truly was an amazing Christmas. I loved my presents and I loved, most importantly, how you asked us to make breakfast and how you allowed yourself to enjoy the day. That was just amazing!

    I'm glad that you liked the picture so much. I really did have a good time making it- of course I think it's always therapeutic doing artwork. Plus, drawing you was almost like having you with me. It was great! And thanks to all the blogger support from the readers. (And isn't Melissa just so sweet? She really did say she just wanted to watch me. Although most of the time she was creating her own great portraits for three people, while I was working on just the one. Hah.

    Love you, Ma!

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  11. This post is so full of beauty.
    Yours, your children, your family, the picture, and the pictures.
    It was a gift to us.
    And to read that you enjoyed such to the core happy was over the top.
    There was a lot of stuff here that resonates with me.

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  12. Snazzy gift!

    Owen is getting seriously photogenic.

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  13. That dear, sweet baby. What a gift.

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  14. I'm so happy you enjoyed your day with the family. That portrait is beautiful!

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  15. It took me a minute to even read your blog post because I couldn't stop looking at the drawing/painting of you and hoped you would indeed write about who made it. It is fantastic! And I love the way Jessie decorated the edge--with things that are "you" from your blog. What a beautiful day.

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  16. SJ- It has struck me as strange that that picture came into my hands yesterday. I haven't seen a new picture of him in decades.

    Michelle- Don't you wish we could all be together, our shoes kicked off, feet up and drinks in our hands, discussing Christmas and cracking each other up and maybe making each other cry, too? That is how I see us all sometimes. But it would be so nice to really be together.

    Elizabeth- I had an overflow of goodness this year. Easy to share.


    Melissa- I think that's why you and Jessie gravitate to each other. You're both so profoundly talented and have such wonderful spirits. I love that picture with all my heart and I'm glad to hear that you were part of its making.

    HoneyLuna- Girl. Never stop surprising me, okay? It WAS a great Christmas and I felt so good about letting things go and not being resentful but happy. I am finally learning. Maybe. Thanks for helping. In every way.
    I love you...Mama

    Deb- I am glad.

    Daddy X- I agree on both points!
    And can you believe that in oh, about five months Little Fitz will be as mature and photogenic as Owen is now? CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!??

    Nancy- Amen.

    Ginger- Thank-you, sweetie.

    Michele R- I keep looking at the picture and wondering, "How did she DO this?" and shaking my head.

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  17. It's been a beautiful, mixed up, fucked up year. They all fucking are, aren't they, Ms. Moon? Indeed. Indeed they are.

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  18. That your holiday demons were at bay is a great blessing. That made my own Christmas merry and bright.

    I love you SO DAMN MUCH.

    SB

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  19. This post is one of the many reasons why I love you. Beautiful and true. I did feel the love of the people that love and know me best. And I did try to keep the holiday demons away.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.