This Was Not Easy. This Is Not Easy

Years old garlic blossoms, dried and still beautiful.

Today was one hell of a day. Well, the first part of it, anyway. I had an appointment with my dear Dr. Zorn as a follow-up after he increased one of my anti-depressant meds six months ago. I didn't even have to get bloodwork done before I went in. It was basically just a pop-in and chat sort of situation and I do love a good chat with Dr. Z. but for some reason, this morning before I left the house, I had a full-on anxiety attack, began weeping, couldn't stop, etc. 
I took an Ativan. The funny thing is, the only Ativan I take are the ones I take before a doctor's appointment. It did help, eventually, but when I first got to the office and was waiting to be called back, I was still very stressed. The tech who takes vitals came and got me and I don't know what happened but I just broke down in tears again. I apologized and apologized and told her that I am usually a competent woman but that this is what happens when I go to see a doctor. 
She was so very kind to me. She reassured me that it was okay and that she has realized that there are so many ways that people react when they go to a doctor since she got the job she has now. She handed me a Kleenex, offered me a glass of water, and then she said, "Do you need a hug?"

I needed a hug more than words could ever say and she gave me one of the best hugs I've ever had in my entire life and I will love her forever. 

I had to wait a little while for Dr. Zorn but I know that he spends time with each patient, listening and talking. I respect that and that is probably the reason he is such a popular doctor. 
When he came into the room, he rushed over and shook my hand and said, "How are you?" and I said, "I'm a fucking mess."
And it went from there. 
I know the man's not a counselor but he is easy to talk to, he is not afraid to share things he's experienced in his own life, and he and his wife just had their fifth child and talking to people about babies and childbirth is one of my favorite things to do. 

And then I finally screwed my courage up and asked if he would prescribe one of the class of drugs being used to help deal with obesity for me and he said immediately that he would. 
Now Dr. Zorn is not a fat shamer. He is not the sort of doctor whom you go to see for any ailment who tells you that if you'd just lose some weight...
Women get told this all the time. Having headaches? Well, maybe if you lost some weight, you wouldn't have them. Have a rash on your arm? Hmmm...you might consider losing a few pounds. Experiencing anxiety and depression? Well, you know, you'd probably feel better about yourself and everything else if you shed some of that weight! 
And I know damn well that losing weight does indeed affect many, many body systems in a positive way. My cholesterol is high, my blood pressure is high, my mobility is affected by the weight I put on my joints, and furthermore, I am very, very tired of hating the way I look so much that I generally refuse to look in a mirror. 

This is a big deal. And ever since Trump got elected, I have had zero control over my appetite. Food has always been my go-to first stress response. Not only eating it but cooking it and growing it too. And although the food I cook is generally pretty healthy, I have succumbed to eating things that I never would have ten years ago. Bit by bit, bite by bite, I have lowered the bar over and over on what I know is not serving me. 
And this is a battle I have fought since I was six years old. For many years, I did well in that battle. I ate clean, clean food. I exercised as religiously as a nun saying her rosary. I led Weight Watcher classes. And I was good at that. 
Of course there have also been little bouts here and there of disordered eating that I toyed with. Frankly, I'm surprised I didn't stay on that path longer than I did. 

But then something happened when I was in my fifties, I think, when I just could not continue to deny myself foods that I do love. Bread, with butter. Cheese. Sauces. The crispy skin of a roast chicken. 
And so forth. 
I'm not a huge dessert eater. I could easily go the rest of my life without ice cream. And I'm not a person who plows through bags of Doritos. I'd much rather have a Cuban sandwich than any piece of cake ever baked. 
But I cannot continue on eating the way I have been. I'm not exercising nearly enough although it's a proven fact that it's far more about what you do at the table than what you do at the gym when it comes to losing weight. 

So I need help. And no, these drugs are not "natural" but you know what else isn't natural? The endless abundance and choice of food at our grocery stores, our restaurants. It's ridiculous. And if these medications do help stop what they call "the food noise" in my head, it will be a miracle. Ever since I was a child, there has rarely been a moment in my life when the thought of food and eating has not been a part of my day. And eating past satiation is something I've also fought since childhood. My body just does not want to pay attention to the clues that my brain sends out saying, "That's enough."

I hope I don't regret sharing this. Really, it ain't nobody's business if I do, as Holy Mother Saint Billie Holiday sang so long ago, but if this is something that helps me and can help others, then why not? 

And yes, Dr. Zorn didn't hesitate a moment before he agreed to help me get on these drugs. Before I left, he said, "I'm proud of you. You are a strong woman."

And then he gave me a hug. 

So. That's what happened to me today. 
On tonight's menu we shall be having a lovely summer squash soup. 

Look at those pretty babies. 

And some cole slaw made from one of the four small heads of purple cabbage I harvested yesterday. 

At least it's pretty. 

Love...Ms. Moon