Tuesday, June 27, 2023

No. In Fact, It Is Not Hot Enough For Me. Please Pour Some Boiling Oil Over My Head To Rectify That Situation

It is hot. It is stupid hot. Not to mention stupefyingly hot. 

Go outside. Walk to the compost pile beside the garden. Feel like you might vomit. 

Go outside. Water the porch plants. Feel like you might have a heart attack. 

And you know what? It's a hell of a lot hotter in some places than it is here. 

Someone in a parking lot asked me today if it was hot enough for me. Actually, truly asked that. 
God, yes, I said. I was too hot to come up with anything snappy. 

Okay. We can handle this. We are Floridians. We have been training for this our entire lives. 
That's a lie. I mean, yes, we are Floridians. But no, we probably are not going to be handling it well. People without air-conditioning or even fans are going to die. That's just a fact. 

But hey! Here I am, sitting on my back porch where it's only 92 degrees and oh, so shady! With my Vornado fan blowing at high speed directly on me from about three feet away. Still, sweat drips down my back. I just filled the bird bath and am waiting to see if any cardinals come to take advantage of that. I hope they do. Mr. Moon is at the river now. He mowed the grass today, not having had time to do it last evening. I didn't go because I'd just gotten back from town and had to catch up on some things. I'm wishing I'd gone though. I'm wishing we lived right on the river. I'm wishing that with all my heart. 

So yes. I went to town today. Mr. Moon's birthday is Thursday, as I have mentioned. What to get him? I never know. He can and does buy himself whatever he needs or wants. So I went to Bass Pro Shop. I've always called it Bass Pro World which Lily pointed out to me recently is not the name of it. "It's not Disney World," she said. In the most loving way possible. 
Point taken. I'll probably still call it Bass Pro World most of the time anyway. 

Getting Mr. Moon stuff at Bass Pro Shop is like buying him a gift certificate. I went in and found him some shorts and a shirt. Maybe one of the pairs of shorts can also be worn as a bathing costume. I don't know. It doesn't matter. And I got him a big bag of soft peppermints. Everyone loves soft peppermints, right? And whatever he doesn't like or want he can take back and exchange for something that he does want. Like a gift card. 

And then, I did something horrible. 

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

I went to Walmart. It was right there. I wanted to look at pressure canners because if I had one of those, I could can my green beans without pickling them. For low-acid foods one needs a pressure canner to preserve safely. So I found one and I bought it. I feel like a real grown-up now. Why have I waited so long to buy one? 
Eh, well. Who knows?

And then I thought, Dang. I could get hand towels here! 
The hand towels I put in the bathroom off the kitchen are used constantly and I'm down to about three and two of them have holes in them. I've been meaning to buy new ones for a long time but I never go to places that sell towels except for Costco and they only sell hand towels in bundles with washcloths which I do not need. But Walmart has them! So I went down the towel aisle and I got four new ones, all white so I can bleach them (this is probably why the ones I have all have holes in them) and I got Mr. Moon a new bathroom rug and also, new bath towels. I hate the bath towels he uses in his bathroom. I cannot remember buying them and I cannot remember a time when we didn't own them. They are a sort of dark orange which is not a color I would buy. Maybe a rust. Whatever. And I got Mr. Moon two new hand towels to match the towels. And rug. They are gray. 
They will do. And I swear- he's going to have to take those rusty orange towels out to the garage to use as work towels. I do not want to see them in my house any more. What they spark is not joy but irritability and annoyance. 
I also got a dress at Walmart. It is all cotton and it has pockets and since it cost $14.97 I won't mind wearing it when I can green beans. 
I kept finding things that I've been vowing to go shop for and just haven't because I don't like shopping at all. So hell. Why not? In for a penny, in for a pound. 

When I went to check out, I didn't see any checkout people except for a rather largish group of employees who appeared to be doing nothing except standing by the self-check-out places, mostly talking to each other. 
"Are there any humans?" I asked one of the standers. 
"No," he said. Well, he was a human but he knew what I meant.
I often use the self-checkout at Costco and the employee who stands in that area is all over the place, helping people, scanning items that are heavy, making sure that everyone is okay. One guy did come over to me when I was checking out today. One of my items had given me a message that it hadn't scanned. I was dealing with it. He wasn't sure that I was. Then he pointed to the canner in the cart and said, "Did you scan that?" 
"Yes," I told him. "I did." He didn't bother to check. 

I could have stolen half the shit in my cart and no one would have checked or cared. Walmart doesn't pay them enough to go to that much effort. And then, when I walked my cart to the door, I passed TWO human checkers. 

Oh well. 

And then I went to Publix to get Mr. Moon a birthday card and me a sandwich because it was almost three and I was hungry. I guess I totally forgot that Walmart must surely sell birthday cards. They sell everything else.

Before I left Walmart, a woman noticed the pressure canner box in my cart. 
"I have one just like that!" she said. "I bought it last week!" 
"Do you like it?" I asked. 
"I do!" she said. 
And then we stood there and talked about canning and stuff. She's from Madison which is a little town some miles to the east of here. "If we lived closer, I'd give you all my quart jars," she said. "I don't use them anymore."
She told me how many pints of okra she'd put up and I told her about rattlesnake beans. She learned to can from her grandmother. Her mother was afraid of poisoning people with canned goods so she never did it. A lot of people feel that way and I'm sure it could happen and I'm sure it does happen but frankly, I've never heard of anyone dying from improperly canned food. Not personally, at least. 

So that was my big adventurous day. I am hot and I am sticky and the cardinals haven't found the birdbath water yet. The crickets are singing chorus after chorus of the It's Hot song. 
Tomorrow I will make a prune cake which is what Mr. Moon wants for his birthday. "Like the one you made May," he said. 
I know which one that is. I can do that.
And hopefully, I will can some green beans. Or, as the lady from Madison called them- snap beans. 

If I had any doubt before, I do not now. 
I am an old southern granny. I put up snap beans. 
Or at least I will. 

Funny to think that this is where I've been heading my entire life. 

And that's okay. 

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. "Did you scan that?" My god. What did he EXPECT you to say? I'd have put on a confused look and said, "Pretty sure I did..." and kept on walking.

  2. I really don't like doing the work people are hired for. They can pay me, if they want an ancient lady on the payroll. One who always needs a human to help in the end anyway!

    So hot! Here it's all thunder and sheets of rain. Very little danger of fire now, unlike recently.

  3. Personally, I prefer the self-checkout areas at my Walmart. You can sort and bag 🛍️ your stuff the way you want. No one is behind you acting like you are taking too long. And, if you do need assistance, there is an "associate" nearby to give you a hand! I like that ... I can take my time and that way I can avoid making mistakes!

  4. It was way too hot last week--100 degrees. Today it's raining and 65. Go figure.

  5. Botulism beans, the housewife's remedy....not in your case but there are stories, and there are reasons. You are a very well healed southern granny, bless ....I would have died twenty summers ago . Slow cooking does make meat more tender so you will be more delicious- a chosen one.
    I pretty much refuse self check out, if forced to use it I make so many mistakes that a human comes over immediately. Or I just holler "HELP" very loudly- some one comes.

  6. I think my best weapon in the heat is a spray bottle with water, sprayed at my face in front of a fan. At night I use an ice pack on my neck. We don't have central air.

  7. I love washcloths! They make excellent table napkins, absorbent and so washable. I rarely bleach anything, just a hot sudsy wash is good enough for me.
    With my birdbath I found that on really hot days the birds would come in the cool of the morning and again after the sun was down but while it was still light. During the hotter hours they would hide in the trees. I usually put a block of ice in the water when the sun goes down to cool it for them.

  8. I thought you could use a laugh:)


  9. "Funny to think this is where I was headed all my life." Honey, let me tell you. That made me laugh. It pretty much sums up what I've been feeling for a long time but didn't have words for it. You've summed up aging in one dang sentence. You are a philosopher, Mary Moon. Or an oracle. Or a prophet. And definitely a comedian.

  10. I don't how people survived before A/C! My son sent me a photo from his new home in Texas (they moved this week) - 105 degrees! Yikes!
    Stay cool, Mary Moon!

  11. our heat wave has finally made it to you. I saw a map yesterday. I need to get a good fan for the deck. I have to refresh the three bird baths every day, that's how hot it is here. it just evaporates. I'm curious what dress you got at Walmart. I have to go sometime today to get dog food and we could use some new towels too. though we are going to Costco Friday. I think. I had a pressure cooker decades ago, don't know what happened to it but I rarely used it, afraid it was going to explode. but I am thinking of getting an air fryer. oh, and on the way out of Walmart after I've used the self checkout and didn't put the few items in a bag because I'm perfectly capable of carrying a few items without a plastic bag and I pass the person that's supposed to check out receipts against what we are taking out, I never stop, just wave my receipt in the air in the person's direction. so far no one has followed me but then I am an old white woman.

  12. I've never heard of anyone DYING from improperly canned food -- but I did cover a story in Sarasota years ago where two women got botulism poisoning from homemade salad dressing. (I may have already told you this story.) Apparently garlic cloves sat in oil at the bottom of the bottle -- an anaerobic environment -- and the botulism organisms, which live in soil, thrived there. That's how I learned about the need to add acid to canned or bottled foods. (And of course canning involves heat which I assume kills the germs.)

    On that note, enjoy your pressure canner! (LOL -- I am seriously NOT trying to put you off canning! And I know that wouldn't be possible anyhow. :) )

  13. It's just now finally getting up to and over 90 degrees here. That's pretty good that we've made it almost to the end of June without reaching 100 degrees, but I know it's coming. Ugh. I'd love summer except for the heat making it miserable outside. Today, though, I will escape the heat--I'm going swimming at a friend's house. I'm so grateful to have a generous friend with a nice pool! She's retired, too, so the pool is always open this time of year. :)

  14. OMG your heat! You poor thing! Acclimated Floridian or not....that is just brutal. I believe that kind of heat is NOT good for the human body........ I always feel like crap when we get even over 90 here in Calif.........ugh. Sluggish, nauseous......just crap. And....pressure canner? Yikes! I have never used any *pressure* device...... stemming from a childhood incident with my Moms pressure cooker LOL! So....you've been doing boiling water bath? And pressure canner works better? faster? Lordy...hope you've got AC on in house to deal with kitchen canning heat!
    Susan M

  15. It was 114 Today and the Record was 115 so I think it's gonna be a stupidly Hot Summer already. Ugh. But, as we like to say here in the Arizona Desert, "But, it's a Dry Heat." *LOL* I can't handle Humidity tho', and The Man told me Florida is Humid and I Believe him... tho' I'd still like to visit your State, only, probably not in the Summer... or... during Hurricane Season.


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