Saturday, February 13, 2021

Weather Report

A friend sent me a picture of what appeared to be a snowy enchanted forest this morning. She lives just about as far from where I live as anyone can and still be in the continental United States. So I sent her a picture of what my yard looked like at that moment. 
Not very enchanted, is it? Well, the cardinal has scarlet magic. And the chickens have their own pragmatic voodoo but overall, it's just a gray, wet, rainy day in North Florida. 

I haven't been able to figure out my mood today. I do not feel especially depressed. Maybe a little. And maybe a tiny bit anxious. Some sadness but not about anything in particular. Perhaps it was the dream I woke up from this morning. Lately when I've dreamed of my mother, she has become a more glamorous character than she ever was in real life. Beautiful hair and lovely figure and very fine clothes. Somehow there is a storyline wherein she is married to a man who is and who is not my stepfather. I could probably sort this all out if I really thought about it. But they travel a lot, my mother and this man, and they are spending vats of money I didn't know she had. Always her money, not his. And I get so angry at her, whether for all of this expensive galavanting or because she appears to be so young and carefree or because her house has become filled with trash and items hoarded by the man, I do not know. 
Perhaps all of that. 
I know I cannot stand the man. I abhor him. And I tell her that. 
In this morning's dream we were at a family reunion of sorts. My cousins and my uncles (her brothers) were there and in the presence of all of them she told me, "I knew." 
"You knew what?" I asked her.
"I knew he was abusing you."

I was stunned. Not because she had known, but because she had admitted it. 

Well. Once again- no need to call Freud. 

So yes, that could be the reason I have been in such a strange mood and then I spent the entire day listening to the tying up of the impeachment trial and then the vote and although it was exactly what I had expected, I was still flattened. Perhaps because there is a part of me which does still believe in magic, in fairness, in justice. 
In my country. 
Silly me. Grow up, little girl. Grow up. 
And there is another part of me which thinks I probably wasted an entire day listening to it all, hoping for a different outcome despite knowing there would not be one. I did work on August's blanket but that too, is rather depressing. My embroidery looks like a five year old child did it. And as I hold the blanket and push the needle in and out, my left wrist hurts and I am reminded of my age and of all the injuries that have befallen me. There are lumps and knobs in my joints and knuckles now that amuse and astound me, both.  
My ribs ached this morning when I woke up. I am learning that rainy days will do that. 

And this is where I turn and say, "But. However. And yet."
And list all of the ways that I am so very, very lucky and so very, very blessed. 
And I am and I know it and I am grateful. 
But some days you just have to sit with the feelings and fullness of it all. To let it pierce the armor of blessings and goodness and gifts and feel it. To gently rock your own heart in your own arms and then tenderly replace it in your chest when it is quieted. 

The rain is falling gently, gently. It is not cold, it is not warm. It is not day, it is not yet night. I am not especially happy nor am I deeply unhappy. I am certainly not feeling joyful but I am not overly sad. I am at once content and itchy with discontent. I am blessed but I am in no way special. 

I am a human being. I am a woman in her sixties watching and noting with sometimes dispassionate observance of how she is slowly becoming old. I am aware that the same soul which inhabited me when I was a child inhabits me still. I am a woman whose granddaughter's soul is the same one which will live within her when she is my age. 

As I write this there is another (the same?) male cardinal on the feeder, taking his evening meal in the drizzle. 

This is life in Lloyd tonight. 

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. what a dream! An admission from your Mother......... wow. Your chickens are so colorful on even the grayest of days....and I think my mood mirrors yours today. Not sad, not really joyous.....but in the middle. I have been doing some final hand sewing today on some potholders I made...... just to keep focused and busy and the *happy hands* thing LOL. And much as you do, am focusing on dinner also. Every little thing helps
    Susan M

    1. Oops, I meant *busy hands* not happy hands! LOL

  2. I knew that the vote would go the way it did, but yet I still felt rage and disgust. Now I want that damn orange demon to GO AWAY. I don't want to see his ugly face or hear his name ever again! Time to move on. But also to remember and make the GOP pay for this for the rest of their lives. I want them all voted OUT for being traitorous garbage fascist pigs.

    Sorry. All I have right now is anger.

    1. We must hope that the Southern District of New York nabs his fat orange ass, and make all the fraud and all the other charges against him, stick and he will sit out the rest of his miserable life in prison!
      There are a lot of angry and disappointed people in this country tonight ... perhaps ... around the world!

  3. The vote reflected the fact that those who voted for acquittal did so because their political careers are more important than doing their honorable, moral, constitutional duty. And I hope and pray that their careers turn to shit!

  4. I also knew exactly what would happen but like you there was a small part of me that hoped for a different outcome. I felt like crying,then screaming. Instead I made dinner. It is so sad.

  5. You summed up my exact feelings on the vote. Both our Florida senators are craven worms.
    Magnolia June is am adorable little chef!

  6. A magical post, really. You've written all of our hearts and heads, I think.

  7. The little baker girl is a mighty fine little baker girl! She alone makes life pretty damned delightful!

  8. When my body is giv8ng me fits, i stop a moment and look it in the eye and say, “fucking back” and i immediately feel better if only for a moment. Then, i start my day.
    Your green yard looks like heaven to me even as i could never live there for very long.
    I hope your gorgeous granddaughter baked something sinfully delicious!

  9. I wish I could take that dream from you. It sounds like a heavy heavy cake. I would stuff it in my sorrow mouth bite by bite until you slept peacefully and woke up singing.

  10. I would excise that dream from you if I could. I am sorry you carry that after all this time. I have days like those you describe and somehow live beyond them. Sending hugs.

  11. "But some days you just have to sit with the feelings and fullness of it all. To let it pierce the armor of blessings and goodness and gifts and feel it." Yes, to count one's blessings but acknowledge that there's hurt and anger and rage and unfairness too. But to not get stuck in the negatives, to let the gratitude for all the goodness balance them out. You said it better than I.

    That dream perhaps released a bit of something, easing pressure from your past. May tonight's dreams be sweeter.

    Chris from Boise

  12. Life continues on, doesn't it? Up and down, morning and night, sun and cloud. There will always be evil in the world but there will be hope and goodness too. I cling to that.

    Sending hugs and love.

  13. I think the picture of your yard is quite enchanted, actually. The cardinal is such a beautiful spot of color.

    As you say on the dream, Freud is not needed. You're angry at your mother and you believe she was looking out for her own interests. Not that you need me as a dream interpreter, either.

    I think the results of the impeachment are dispiriting even though they were expected. I hate the fact that cold political calculus trumps (no pun intended) integrity and justice.

  14. perhaps this was a true visit across the veil and she has finally absorbed her incarnation and could finally admit it. or maybe just projection on your part. who the fuck knows. my parents rarely show up in my dreams and when they do it's usually to express disappointment in who I am or something I've done.

    The republican party is officially dead. I read that the moderate old style republicans are considering on starting a new republican party. I don't really care as long as it splits the opposition.

  15. Oh, Mary. We never do escape our damage, do we? Sending you light and love xo

  16. That notion of acceptance of pain, letting it be for a while, not denying not shrugging off, is so very wise. It has its place, and most of us are too busy trying to rise above it to give it the space it needs. Thank you for a valuable reminder.
    That said, your picture of a snowfree yard is definitely magical to this frozen northerner.

  17. You shared so many profound feelings in this post, Mary. Your words touched me and I wish you peace, Dear.

  18. I think our dreams tell us so much don't they. Not always comfortable but insightful!

  19. I'm days behind reading posts and I doubt you will even see this comment. I so frequently can't find words to say what a post of yours makes me feel, and that is the case with this one. But this one made me feel a lot.


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