The worst dreams. Stuck in an urban area in a dump of an apartment with two children and the locks don't work and people just walk in, demanding to see someone who doesn't live there and I can't protect my children and before all of that was another dream and I can't even describe it but I couldn't find my bed where I was staying and lights on and people talking and so am I pre-worrying about getting housed in a nursing home?
I don't know.
All I know is that sometimes I think my brain is just wired for fear and loathing and disappointment and worry and was wired that way when I was too young to try and connect it all up in a different way and I was born with a sense of responsibility that was way out of proportion to reality and I will never in this lifetime be done with trying to keep everyone from myself to my children to my chickens safe and protected.
And that there is always a mess to be cleaned up and it is always my job to do it.
Well, obviously not in real life.
A beautiful morning here and I am going for a walk to try and shake off the dream demons, try to align myself back into the reality of where I live which provides calm and peace and safety to all and where the messes are not so bad if I keep up with them a little bit.
Where my children are grown and quite capable of taking care of themselves and their children too. Where if my chickens need a place to be safe in, my husband will build it.
Where tiny children do not lie in bed and hear the yelling and crying of adults and look over in the gloomy darkness to the little brother lying in the crib and worry about his safety.
Where a light on in the house at night does not mean that an abuser is still awake and could come silently into the room where I lie unable to sleep from fear.
Where all are provided for.
Where there is even a sort of comfortable beauty.
Where even the old trees offer reassurance that there is continuity and wonder.
Where I can write my way back to a sort of sanity and get on with life.
This life. This real life.
On such a beautiful day.