Well, here it is Monday and I am bathing in the hot red juices of anxiety.
Been awhile since that happened but there you go. Just like a bad penny, it turns up.
I know why this is happening. The simple fact that I have to get my whatever-they-are hormones renewed. There will be blood work but that doesn't bother me except that when they get into my blood they're going to find something horrible.
That is how I think.
And maybe this is the basis of all of my doctor fears. Letting someone have access to that deep part of me which is covered up by skin and should, according to the most superstitious and reptile parts of me, be left secret and private and unknown.
I don't know. I just know that the idea of sitting in the doctor's office (or in my case, the nurse-practitioner's office) is beyond frightening to me. I have changed care providers so many times, thinking that this next one will surely not be as scary to me. But they all are. They can't help it and it's not their fault. I can remember feeling this exact same way when I was a little child. And remember when I went to the hypnotist to try and get over this?
He freaked me the fuck out and I never went back.
So that's me today. I am grateful that I have the boys later on because they will be a distraction, a grounding to reality.
Meanwhile, I vibrate, I panic in my belly, I marinate in those hot, red juices.