Monday, August 31, 2015

Can't I Just Find A Shaman To Throw Some Chicken Bones?

Well, here it is Monday and I am bathing in the hot red juices of anxiety.
Been awhile since that happened but there you go. Just like a bad penny, it turns up.

I know why this is  happening. The simple fact that I have to get my whatever-they-are hormones renewed. There will be blood work but that doesn't bother me except that when they get into my blood they're going to find something horrible.
That is how I think.
And maybe this is the basis of all of my doctor fears. Letting someone have access to that deep part of me which is covered up by skin and should, according to the most superstitious and reptile parts of me, be left secret and private and unknown.

I don't know. I just know that the idea of sitting in the doctor's office (or in my case, the nurse-practitioner's office) is beyond frightening to me. I have changed care providers so many times, thinking that this next one will surely not be as scary to me. But they all are. They can't help it and it's not their fault. I can remember feeling this exact same way when I was a little child. And remember when I went to the hypnotist to try and get over this?
He freaked me the fuck out and I never went back.

So that's me today. I am grateful that I have the boys later on because they will be a distraction, a grounding to reality.

Meanwhile, I vibrate, I panic in my belly, I marinate in those hot, red juices.


  1. I guess there's no way through but through. I wish you an easier passage than you've had in the past. Then you'll be all through.

  2. Ahh, I'm sorry you're feeling that awful feeling. I hate it, and I hate that you have it.

    I know you're going to be fine, you just need to go and get it over with and then let it subsiiiide. And you'll be ok. It's just a waiting game, really. Keep breathing. If you could have those babies and breathe them out, you can do the same with this. I know you know this, of course.

    I have to call the insurance company and try and get insured and I don't want to do it. Am fighting the panic, too - not red hot, but chest constricting nonetheless. Bleh.

    I wish you'd find another hypnotherapist who doesn't freak you out.

  3. I'm so with you, as you know. I don't mind the blood part and I don't have a fear of them finding something's that someone is going to be looking at me, intently, and listening to me and putting me in the spotlight that freaks me out. Anyway - i'm sure all that was super helpful for your nerves :)

    I watched funny YouTube videos while I was waiting for the doc and I swear, it helped.

  4. I have what's known as White Coat Syndrome. Doctors, dentists, anybody in a lab coat makes my blood pressure soar and my anxiety rise. I hate it but there's nothing I can do about it. I hope things get better for you today!!!

  5. The medical/dental person anxiety - I am quite familiar with this, although it sounds like I don't suffer quite as much as you do. But there are numerous trips to the bathroom preceeding every appointment ... I find there is no way to deal with it except as Elizabeth said: no way but through it. Although I do try to distract myself by reading, it only takes away about ten percent of the feelings. The only good thing? that flood of relief after the appointment is over. I feel like I own the world! Good luck and hang in there, Mary.

  6. If there were something really wrong, you probably wouldn't be able to walk as you do or weed your garden either. Good luck and as Jo said, plow through it!!

  7. I'm sorry you feel this dread, and these red hot juices. I hope you are able to sweat it out, squeeze it out, or breathe it out, if even just a little bit.

  8. When I am not feeling anxiety it seems like it should be so simple to not feel anxious. I don't even like the word anxiety because it is such a light word. It is more like an absolute dread and doom. Fear goes into me and takes over every cell.
    Ms. Moon, you are one of the handful of people who understands me but I wish you didn't have to. You are such a light in my life and I am grateful for you.

  9. No one likes to go to a health professional. that's why we don't go, right, because they might find something wrong.

  10. I'd go with you if I were there. Not that it would help much, but it's all I could do!

  11. Oh Mrs Moon , awful that you are so anxious .

  12. Sorry to hear it has snuck back unto your life. Learned this several years ago, and still my go to for acute anxiety: Breathe in for a count of four, hold for a count of seven, exhale for a count of eight. Tongue tip at the top edge of your front teeth and gum. In through the nose and out through pursed lips. Activates the parasympathetic nervous system, slows the heart rate, lowers blood pressure and fools the body into thinking it is time to relax. You can repeat four to eight breaths in a row, but not more than eight. Just breathe and count. No miracle cure, but I find it does helps some. Maybe try it, dear Miss Moon.

  13. Try to remember it's less scary once your butt is actually in the chair, because then it's almost over. xoxo

  14. Girlie, I've been right there with you. I've been going through some stuff that I have yet to write about. Some big stuff for me. I've been on defcon 4 for about a week.
    I'm coming down though, and you will too. We can't stay in the crazy zone forever. Or maybe we CAN! Lol
    Breathe in and breathe out and find a nice spot on the ceiling to look at AND crack inappropriate jokes if you have to. Whatever gets you through.
    Xoxoxo hugs and kisses and love to you.

  15. Oh dear, I am right with you. I could post you a picture of the massive, blue green black yello bruise that has been sitting in the crook of my right arm since my last blood sample appointment. People have mistaken it for an artsy tattoo.
    It will fade, I know and you will be back home and all will be well.

  16. Elizabeth- No way through but through. That is the damn real truth of it, isn't it?

    Jo- The nature of my anxiety may make it impossible for me to relax enough to get the good out of hypnotherapy. I don't want anyone mucking around in my blood or in my mind- not without my express permission! But you may be right.
    And childbirth- well, once it's started, you have no choice in the matter, do you! Although at least once in every labor I thought, "No. Let's do this another day."
    I think every woman has that thought at some point in her labor. Did you?

    SJ- "Whine About It" videos have been the only thing recently that has made me truly laugh. Well, besides my boys.
    I know you understand about the doctor. We should start a line of greeting cards congratulating each other every time we go to a medical appointment. Or even just make one!

    Catrina- Oh god. Me too. So much.

    jenny_o- That feeling after it's over is truly wonderful, isn't it? Yes.

    Georgia Sews- I keep telling myself that. I must be pretty strong. Maybe?

    Ms. Vesuvius- You are precious. Thank you.

    Birdie- Hell yes! I do understand and I wish that _you_ didn't have to know what it's like either. But we do. And when we tell each other it's going to be okay, we trust that a bit. I think. Thank you so much.

    Ellen Abbott- So true. So true.

    Steve Reed- You know what? I think you really would and that was the sweetest thing in the world for you to say. You don't know how much I appreciate it.

    Leisha- It does suck. I won't lie.

    Lain T- I will try that. Thank you!

    Angella- I know. How many times have I forced myself to call and make the appointment and go because I simply cannot bear the before-part? So many.

    Heartinhand- Truly. I hope you are well. Thank you so much! And yes, inappropriate jokes are my favorite kind. Always.

    Sabine- That sounds horrible, woman! These bodies of ours. If they would only listen and obey us. If only...
    And then maybe we could do something about our minds, right?


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