The Crazy Is Strong In This One

 

Although you can't tell from that picture, everything is a little hazy right now. I think they're doing controlled burns somewhere in the area. It smells a little smokey too. 
My head has felt hazy today too. Just a sort of unfocused meandering of the brain, going about its own dull thoughts as I drift from one thing to another. I knew it wasn't going to be a great day when I woke up from a horrible dream, this being one of the everything is a total mess and I'll never be able to clean it all up theme. Although I have these dreams frequently, I believe my sleep-brain wanted to amuse itself by changing things up and the dream was in a different setting with different types of messes, including oil pouring out of the top of a stove. That's probably because I desperately need to clean my oven but anyway, there were still rooms full of filthy laundry and there were washing machines everywhere so I was busy gathering up all the sheets and towels and clothes and stuffing them into various machines but barely even making a dent in the mess. I also found a huge patch of swarming bugs that may have been termites in a corner of the house and I thought, "Oh god. I have to show this to Glen."
Let me just say this- if houses represent our bodies in our dreams, I definitely need some help. 

I did another forty-five minutes or so of picking beans and I am beginning to hate the sight of them. I keep thinking about Billy saying, "You can stop whenever you like, Mary. This isn't Little House on the Prairie."
I could easily have made a few pints of pickled green beans today but I just couldn't force myself to do it. I've got enough cucumbers to make a few pints of pickles from those, too. Again- the desire and energy are just about at zero. 

Part of my problem is that we're going to be leaving for North Carolina in just a few days. Like- next Saturday. And I will tell you the god's honest truth- I don't even know if I can do that. I have GOT to get away from this tiny life for at least a little while or I will literally never be able to again. My brain (stupid brain) is yelling at me that I can't leave the garden now, just when everything's about to bust out. As if the world will come to an end if I don't get everything we grow picked and preserved. I'm also worried about Jack. I'll hear from the vet about him tomorrow. And I need to be here to help Lily with the kids. And...
Oh hell. I don't know.

I do know that Mark will be here and he will take care of everything that I ask him to take care of. He will water my plants and the garden. He can pick any vegetables that he wants. He can feed the cats. He will do these things. Last time he stayed here he asked my permission to mop the floors because he just really wanted to. 

So it's not really any of that. It's just the thought of leaving my safe place, my routine, my deeply, deeply cut rut where I can control things. 

I'm going though. You know I am. 

I'm listening to another very good book. I was in despair that I would never find another good one that I had not listened to before. This one is "The Good Lord Bird" by James McBride. I read one of Mr. McBride's books a long time ago. It was "The Color of Water: A Black Man's Tribute to his White Mother." Although I don't remember that much of it (and this was over twenty-something years ago), I remember that it was a very fine piece of writing and that I did enjoy it. "The Good Lord Bird" (which won the National Book Award in 2013) is a story told through the voice of a young enslaved boy whom John Brown stole from his master. Brown, for some reason, thinks the child is a girl and for most of the book, the he does present as one. It reminds me a little of Percival Everett's "James" as it sheds a different light on slavery and in this case, John Brown, the famous abolitionist. I am certain that McBride did a hell of a lot of research before he wrote the book. He was a journalist before he began writing books. 
Family lore has it that John Brown is an ancestor of mine. I wonder if this is true. He was certainly crazy enough for me to see a connection. If he was though, the religion part certainly didn't get passed down. 
Another reason I should start a genealogy project. 

Mr. Moon called when they got onshore an hour or so ago. I didn't even ask if they'd had another good day. I know they caught some fish because he said they had to clean the boat and clean the fish before he could drive home, IF he had the energy to drive home. I gave him my full blessing to stay another night if he wants. I hate the thought of him driving those back roads when he's as tired as I know he is after two hard days of fishing. He said he'd let me know. 

So it's been another day of too much heat for human comfort. Picking the beans was all I could do in the garden in the sun. Here are two pictures of the tomatoes I started from heirloom seeds that Jennifer sent me. 

We communicated today about our tomatoes and hers are being very slow to bloom and make fruit too. The plants look terrific so I'm not giving up hope. I think they're going to give me some beautiful tomatoes. And hell, I'm just proud that I started all those from seeds. 

Here's a picture of the little rose I pulled up in the field where I stopped to pee on a walk. 

It is not only still alive, but it looks healthy and happy. I have big hopes for it. I just have to figure out where I can plant it that it won't vine itself all over the damn yard. 

I did a little more weeding in the shade this afternoon and then a little more mending on a nightgown that I want to take with me to NC. I have so much to do before we leave. I have started a list and I need to get started on that tomorrow. 

I. Can. Do. This.

And one last thing- 48 years ago, FORTY-EIGHT YEARS AGO! I was in labor with Hank. I was in labor with that child for 28 hours. As you might imagine, it's a long story but the absolutely glorious love I felt for him the second he was born made it all worthwhile and I became a completely different person.  

We are going to meet up at Japanica! tomorrow to celebrate over lunch. I am looking forward to that. 

Love...Ms. Moon