I cried all through yoga. My teacher kept giving me kleenex and telling me it was okay. I knew it was but I knew I couldn't go to town.
I called Lynn's mother, the one person I really wanted to be there for and told her I was too sad to celebrate Lynn's life because all I can think about is her death. Well, I didn't say exactly that to her, but I told her I was too sad.
And I'm not going to do a damn thing today. I'm going to do something I never do. Lie on the couch and watch TV. Maybe embroider. Let the dogs pile all over me and keep me warm on this cold day. I'm going to light Lynn a candle and then I'm going to let it all fall where it may.
I have a husband, a son and a neighbor who have offered to come be with me. But I'm fine here, with just the dogs and the sun coming in the windows, even through the cold.
I'm tired and I need to rest.
And the rest of the world will roll on just fine without me as I think about how it's rolling along without Lynn.
As it will. As it always will.
My best to you Ms Moon.
ReplyDeleteYou Need a HUG --> ((((Ms. Moon)))
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you have given yourself over to grief. And dogs provide more comfort than humans because they don't try to make it better. They just go through it with you. Sometimes that's all that can be done.
ReplyDeleteSending you love, Ms. Moon. To you and Lynn. Somewhere, I picture her dancing with my Stef. It's not much, but it's how I get through missing my sweet friend.
ReplyDeleteI can't think of anything to say to make things better for you. Anniversaries of deaths are rough, I think the first one is the hardest. It does get easier, but it takes time.
ReplyDeleteDo something nice for yourself tomorrow. Lynn would want you to.
I tried to leave you a comment earlier but I couldn't on my phone, so I'm glad you took the advice I was going to give which was STAY HOME. Make a drink, or two, and just get through the damn day however you can. Don't feel bad or guilty about feeling bad...you can celebrate her life on later anniversaries. You can't expect yourself to do it on the first.
ReplyDeleteXbox- And my best to YOU, sir. Hope all went swimmingly today.
ReplyDeleteMs. Sally- hug received. And appreciated.
Nanny- The dogs and the couch were great comfort. I slipped down into sleep and it was good.
Aunt Becky- I hope so, honey. I hope so.
MOB- I will try. Lynn would want me to.
SJ- you and MOB are right and I don't know why I didn't remember the perils of the first anniversary. You'd think I'd learn. But no.
Tomorrow is another day, and I hope it will be better.....stay warm.
ReplyDeleteI think with all the deer jumping out at you you are doing a very good job. Being sad is the appropriate response...you have do pass through this pain however you have to... My heart goes out to you :) I wish I could be more helpful here. I respect what you're going through. And I think you are doing a very good job surviving it. :)
ReplyDeleteI hope you get the rest (and whatever else) you need.
ReplyDeleteSending you thoughts of peace and healing.
Robin- staying warm is about as much as I can even hope to accomplish these days. Thank-you.
ReplyDeleteQuietgirl- I don't know how good a job I'm doing surviving it but I'm still here. Still here.
Rachel B- thank-you so much.
i dont know if im just emotional today b/c i have pms but catching up on reading your blogs has me in tears!! sorry for your pain ): i still miss & think about my papaw often - and he died 14 years ago (the person I was closest to growing up...) but i think time does heal these empty spots some...
ReplyDelete