Saturday, November 15, 2008

How To Get A Foot Like Jennifer Lopez's Ass

Be a Foley artist.

Have a whole lot of adrenalin going because the performance has just begun and the audience- uh, IS there an audience? Definitely needs waking up.

Stand there, waiting for your cue to make the sound of a car hitting a metal garbage can. When the cue comes, hit the garbage can as you're supposed to with the iron rod you're holding. Then, as practiced successfully many times, kick the can to make the sound of the car knocking the garbage can down the sidewalk.

However, to get the desired Jennifer Lopez ass effect on your foot, kick the can improperly, which is done by getting your stupid high-heeled foot UNDER the bottom of the can and then, with all the adrenalin in your body, kick.

Realize within nanoseconds that you have just REALLY FUCKED UP YOUR FOOT.

Try not to hobble across the stage to retrieve the garbage can to put it in place for its next use (the breaking of china over it).

Note with pleasure that indeed, the audience is now awake.

Spend the rest of the performance, surreptitiously checking your foot (the tights are torn, making viewing easier) for damage.

Sigh.

We must all, I suppose, suffer for our art.

It doesn't really hurt so I doubt I've broken anything, but I can feel the fluid moving in it when I walk, which is a bit disconcerting.

Other than that, the play was fun. And tonight? I'll not be kicking the can in an improper way.

And let me explain the title of this post. The google search which brings the most people to my blog is How To Get An Ass Like Jennifer Lopez's and the second most googled search to bring people over to my place is Update on the Jennifer Lopez Ass.
So really, I'm just trying to get more traffic but let's face it- anyone who googles foot and Jennifer Lopez's ass is going to be sadly disappointed by the lack of kinkiness which is blessourhearts.

So if you got to this post by that sort of googling- I apologize. I got you here under false pretenses.

I also apologize to every one for the state of my toenails and animal-like hooves, although really, would you honestly think that Ms. Moon's feet would look even THAT good?

I didn't think so.

21 comments:

  1. I am so sorry about your foot, but I have to say the title of your post really cracked me up! Thank you for the laugh! But, again...sorry about your foot. I hope you iced it, Ms. Moon.

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  2. That's a really messed up looking foot, but at least you get to use Jennifer Lopez again in a title, (very clever of you, I must add). How you are going to put on your shoe tonight, and kick the can at all? Just be extra careful.

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  3. That was a phenomenal kick. It probably got the most response out of the whole play. But Mama! Good Lord! Your foot looks awful! You'll never be able to wear those adorable little green high heels again! I'll have to come get them from you so you can't see them and be sad.
    By the way, I had so much fun last night. I love seeing you up there. You make me so proud.

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  4. The show must go on! What a trouper you are! I suggest flip-flops as tonight's foot attire.

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  5. Nicol- Mr. Moon instructed me to ice and then went to bed. I ate soup and followed. No ice. I'm a lousy patient.

    HoneyLuna- My foot does not hurt and the shoe will be fine. I command it to all be so.

    Miss Maybelle- I knew you would try to get those shoes from me. Merry Christmas!!! They shall be yours.

    MOB- no way. I can't possibly kick the can in flip flops. The show and the shoe must go on!

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  6. Yeah, now all you have to deal with are the foot fetish people that are going to be flooding your blog!

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  7. See high heels suck! That looks INCREDIBLY painful. Arnica anyone? Lots and lots. Goodluck tonight- you make it sound like so much fun :)

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  8. Holy crap, you need to be more careful! I am battling an ingrown toenail right now and it ain't pretty. I reeeally hate feet, by the way. Seriously, men have been thrown out of my bed for putting their feet on me while asleep. And as far as foot massages go? I'd rather visit a rabid gynecologist.

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  9. Robin- Yes. I can only imagine the disappointment of the foot fetishists.

    QG- it's not painful at all. That's the funny thing. I thought about Arnica, but I didn't have any. And it wasn't the fault of the heels. It was the fault of the heels-wearer.

    Rachel- I have another friend who feels the same way about feet.

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  10. You poor thing. I have the ultimate sympathy for foot injuries.

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  11. Thanks so much for your comment, Ms. Moon. That was a tough one to write tonight!

    I hope you are all iced-up and are drinking a nice glass of wine maybe, to ease the pain =)

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  12. I actually looked it up on Google. :D First two hits.

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  13. Geez!! Your foot looks like my hand after my dog bit me last week! I never thought about how grateful I should be to him for giving me a Jennifer-Lopez-ass hand! ;) I'd sooo have preferred to have been damaged having so much fun with garbage cans!
    I am sorry but you've given me the best (only?) giggle of my day! ;)

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  14. HWB and Aunt Becky- it doesn't hurt at all. Isn't that weird?

    Melissa- see, my evil plan is working!

    SJ- I can't drink wine. I think I'm allergic. Thank goodness there is beer.

    Lopo- are in Merida yet?

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  15. Oh, mama, your poor foot. So, it went well aside from the injuries? No one passed out or forgot all their lines? Everything fell out of the closet on cue?

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  16. Dearheart, DTG- my foot is perfectly fine. Okay. The pressure of my shoe when I walk causes it to go numb but it's fine. Anything that doesn't wake me up at night is NOT A PROBLEM.
    The performances went great- the joy of the radio plays is that there is no memorization. Script are read onstage. This prevents many, many problems. And the closet thing went very well. The audience loved the closet.
    The only people to pass out were most likely your dad and your sister. But they were in the audience so it didn't matter unless they were snoring.

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  17. Did you say you got your foot caught in Jennfer Lopez's ass? Musta hurt like a bitch. You're lucky you didn't lose a leg!

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  18. I like watching the sound folks work as the film (or radio show) is happening, very cool! You should have a web cam set up so we can see it AND listen to the show; can you imagine the entertainment? Sure, at your expense, but you seem pretty tough.

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  19. B Boy- you're funny.

    Magnum- someone did vid it but I doubt he'll put it up on youtube or anything.
    And yes, I am tough.
    See the feet as proof.

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  20. Glad that it doesn't hurt. It most certainly looks like it would.

    I'm sorry I missed out on your play! I've always wanted to see a show at the Monticello Opera house. I've only been in the downstairs part for meetings. Maybe next time?

    Glad you survived the show without becoming permenantly disabled. :)

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