Lloyd, Where We Desperately Need Rain

Well, that was the sunset last night. I imagine it looks something like that now on the dock in Roseland over the Sebastian River but we are not there to see it. We are home. 

Mr. Moon got up before I did this morning to go back out to the dock to fish a little. He has been so thrilled to discover that indeed, there are fish in the Sebastian River and that he just needed to use live shrimp instead of artificial bait to catch them. In the last two days we were there he caught several Mangrove Snappers, a Black Drum, a Red Drum, a Sheepshead, a Snook, and a catfish. 
They were all juveniles and they were all returned to the river to grow up and have another chance at life. 

We went to a little museum a few days ago and we got there right before they closed but they let us wander around for those twenty minutes or so and there was a display about the Ais Indians who were the Indigenous People who were living in this area when the Europeans arrived. One of the things I read was from a journal of one of those men who said that the Ais did not plant anything, nor did they raise any domestic animals, but got all they needed from the waters and woods and ate clams and fish and oysters and game and the berries which were in season. 
I can only imagine that they ate well. 

We had such a beautiful trip. When we left this morning, I said out loud in the car, "Thank you, Glenn and Scott for making my childhood dreams come true." 
And oh, they have. They absolutely and truly have. I can go back anytime and stay in that little pool house beside the spitting lions and watch the sunset from the dock every night. 
It is such a strange and magic miracle. 

We drove home on some major highways but took Highway 90 the last fifty or sixty miles because it goes through beautiful farm lands with funky charming towns and beautiful old homes, both grand and humble. This trip I was reading "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" out loud as our road trip entertainment because Mr. Moon has never read it and as I read, as we traveled, I thought so much about the fact that both Savannah (the town where the book was set) and the places we were driving through were built on the backs and blood and bones of African enslaved people who cleared the land, grew the cotton, and built the mansions. There is no getting away from this fact and there is no way to romanticize it. This is just the truth. 
Just as the Ais made it possible for ship-wrecked Europeans on the Atlantic coast to find fresh water, to harvest the bounty of the seas and jungle-forests and thus survive, the people who had been captured, transported, and sold at auction made it possible for the white people who, by law and sanctioned by their Bible, owned them, to create fabulous wealth with which they built testimonies to their own perceived greatness, superiority, and god-given privilege. 

This is the great sin of the United States of America and there is no denying it and there may not possibly be any way to atone for it. 

Well. That was a tangent. But I ponder this constantly. Sometimes more intensely than other times. Today was one of the intense times. 

But we made it home and it's so dry here! Everything is shriveled and crunchy. I had Mark, our house-sitter, water the garden one day but even with that, the garden is stunted and the yard plants look desperate with thirst. 

Speaking of Mark, he left things here so beautiful! He swept, he mopped, he dusted, he washed. What a joy it is to come home to a house which has no need of immediate attention. In fact, in many ways, it's nicer than when I left it. Dang, I love that dear man. 

While we were in Roseland, we did a little thrift shopping, as we do. I did not buy much this trip but in a tiny shop dedicated to the support of a local non-kill animal shelter, I found a treasure. 

A Capodimonte porcelain lamp. 
I knew what it was because I'd bought another one at Wag the Dog in Monticello years ago. Ironically, Wag the Dog is also a humane-society thrift store. 

This is the one that has been sitting on my piano for several years.

They are not incredibly valuable but they are vintage and collectible. The tag on my new one said, "Works. $15".

Well, yes, I will take you home, I said to it. 

And I did. 

We've picked some arugula for tonight's supper. 

I hope I remember how to cook. I barely cooked a thing while we were in Roseland. In fact, we ate at Wasabi, the Thai Sushi restaurant three times for supper and had breakfast out every morning but one. It was such a delicious (in all ways) trip and I am in that between-space now, neither here nor there. 

But it will be very fine to sleep in our own bed tonight. Maybe Jack will even cuddle me. Both of the cats seem to be glad we're home although (sigh) Maurice has already drawn blood on Mr. Moon. She loves him so much that she has to...what? Wound him? 
God. That cat is so weird. 

Anyway, here we are. 

Love...Ms. Moon

Pictures

For the first time ever in my blogging life, I just don't feel the urge to write. And this week I have decided to just be okay with that. 
I feel certain that words will come back but meanwhile...

Sebastian elementary school where I attended first through fifth grade. It is now local government and environmental offices but there is a small museum where the cafeteria used to be, where Aunt Flonnie ruled and where I spent most of my fifth grade year working under her watchful eyes. 
It was and is a beautiful building. 

No matter how many years I spend on the Gulf, the Atlantic is my mother. 

We went to the inlet which is a cut between the ocean and the Intercoastal Waterway. aka, the Indian River. 

From the inlet you can see the Roseland water tower. 

I call the pier at the inlet the "International Fishing Place." Older Asian mamas and daddies, Latinx folks, Black folks, white folks...everyone is fishing. 

Have you ever seen sea grapes? Rosemarie, I know you have. 

Last night's sunset and Mr. Moon figures out how to catch fish in the Sebastian river. 

Such a happy man. Every fish he's caught got sent home to its family but it's the joy of catching, not keeping. 

This morning's mirror dock view. 

The size of the bamboo. 

. 

The traditional shrimp salad at the bar at the Ocean Grill in Vero Beach.

Vero Beach life. 

Meanwhile, back in Roseland.

A typical Roseland house. 

My lightening-struck tree. 

The branches are gnarled but they reach high. 

I never realized how absolutely matriarchal it is. 
This tree is truly one of my spirit totems. 

Okay. This is not a good picture but tonight while we were sitting on the dock waiting for sunset, we saw so many dolphins in the river. 

I was thrilled. Some came quite close. 

The dock next door. 

The moon rising. I swear, I could see the man in it. 

I am mesmerized by the sky, the sound of the lapping of the water, the constantly moving tides, the cry of the ospreys as they dive, the whole entire miracle of water flowing from ocean to river and back again and the life it engenders. 

Love...Ms. Moon

This Is A Precious Time

For some reason, Blogger does not want me to post pictures. 

Well, hell. 

I do want to do a post on today because it was a very, very good day in so many ways. 

I will just say that this trip has been exactly what I have needed. 

More to follow when Blogger figures this shit out. 

Meanwhile...

Love...Ms. Moon

Better Now

I'm definitely in my happy place. My husband and I just watched the sunset off the dock and he fished a little bit and we talked, the kind of deep talking you don't do at home for whatever reason. 

Oh, how I love to fall in love with this man over and over again. 

This is what I saw today as I lay in a lounge chair beside the pool, reading a book. 

I am so very, very glad we are here. 

We're about to go eat supper at the same place we ate last night because it was so good that we can't stop thinking about it.

I may not be posting much the next few days and I probably won't be answering comments and I probably won't be commenting on other blogs. I just feel like I want to let my eyes and mind and soul rest on things like this. 

I need it so much. 

Love...Ms. Moon

We Made It

 

How To Keep Anxiety From Making You Completely Insane (Maybe)

Stick to a very, very rigid routine. Do not break it ever, if possible. 

Shitfire. I broke mine today. Not really. Sort of. I had to go to town to get some meds before we leave tomorrow. One of them would not be ready until late in the afternoon. I realize that I never go to town in the late afternoon unless there is no way around it. Also, Mr. Moon needed me to take him by a customer's house to sign some papers and then drop him off to pick up a car. All of this was just supposed to take a few minutes. 
I knew that was ridiculous. It would take forever. 
It did. And it was fine. Except- the anxiety clock was ticking. Gotta get the meds. Gotta get some things for Mark to eat. Gotta get back home and make supper. 
Etc.
I finally dropped him off to get the car and then went to get my medications and a few things for the trip and Mark's Pepsi's and frozen pizzas. That's what he likes. I am so happy to get him anything that he might possibly want. I want him to love staying here. Also, he calls me "momma" and I love him. 

Prepare things in advance to reduce stress before an out-of-the-ordinary event, if event cannot be avoided.

Okay. So I don't WANT to avoid this event- going to Roseland- but that is not to say that the idea of going doesn't stress me out greatly. It does. So today I washed clothes, put my sewing things away so Mark doesn't have to work around them, made up his bed with clean sheets and a blanket, ironed a few things, and got most of my packing done. 
In theory, this should be a huge relief, knowing that I will not have to do these things tomorrow before we leave. 
Theories are great, aren't they? 
Realities not so much. 

Do not leave your "safe space place". 

Unless you are truly a committed agoraphobe this is not a reasonable rule. It's not good for people to stay in their own little tiny bubbles forever and always. Not only does one sometimes need to go buy fabric and thread and groceries and shampoo and see their families, but getting away on a nice little trip with a spouse can be the very best thing for a marriage and the best thing for a marriage can absolutely be the best thing for a life and actually, lead to a reduction anxiety overall. 
"Can" being the keyword here. 
Also, see above about theories. 

If you do leave your safe space, try very hard to travel only to another safe space where you feel comfortable and will not have to deal with too many unknowns.

Works for me. Luckily, the places that are safe for me to visit because they are so well known to me, are also beautiful and magical and I'm not just saying that. This does not reduce the anxiety level to zero, but then again, that will never happen in this lifetime no matter what.

Make sure that you have an emergency supply of whatever chemicals help you in an anxiety emergency. 

This, I believe, requires no explanation. However, it is true that just knowing that there is help available if you need it, can be a real comfort and provide peace of mind. 

This is quite important: Remember that although anxiety may sometimes make you want to punch someone you love, you must not. They are having to suffer through your anxiety too and may also want to punch something. Possibly you. Using good manners is the least you do for someone who is trying to be there for you. If you can keep communication open and also try to be as loving as you can, despite your own feelings, all for the better. 

Remember that anxiety cannot kill you, that feelings are only feelings and that things will get better.

However, if you are suffering from anxiety and someone tells you these things, you may want to punch them. (See above.)

Try to be kind to yourself and hang on to the fact that you, too, have a right to peace, contentment, and even happiness. 

This is true. Also be patient with yourself. Anxiety has many facets of fucked-upedness. One of them for me is that it takes away my ability to think clearly. I can't remember a thing for longer than a few seconds. Words escape me. My mind is as foggy as an Alfred Hitchcock movie set in London. Also, small things appear to be huge and filled with evil portent. It is absolutely necessary to try and remember that these thoughts and lack of abilities to function properly are products of the out of control chemicals and hormones which have temporarily taken over your brain. 
Lists can be helpful if you remember something long enough to put it down on paper and no, you probably do not have toe cancer. 

Do not be afraid to ask for help.

From those you love, from doctors, from therapists. On the other hand, do not believe everything you read on the internet. Exercise can and does help with anxiety and I am sure that meditation and other natural practices can also help. However, relying on these things alone and finding that they do not work is NOT because you aren't trying hard enough. It's because sometimes the causes of anxiety are far too deeply ingrained for commonly accepted and more natural means of "treatment" to work. Talk to your doctor! There are medications which absolutely help. 

Don't be afraid to talk about it. 

You would be surprised how many people suffer from anxiety, both women AND men. And it can be comforting to know that others understand what you are going through. It can also be helpful for those you are discussing anxiety with if they can talk about their own experiences. And if they haven't experienced anxiety themselves, someone they know and love has or will. A little knowledge can be powerful. 

And I guess that's all for now. 
Thank you for letting me talk about it. It's a hard subject as all mental health challenges can be because no matter how well educated we are on the subject, there is almost always an underlying and incredibly hurtful belief that a person can choose to be happy, can choose not to suffer. Those of us who are going through tough times can be harder on ourselves than anyone else would be. Let's try not to do that. 
Okay? And if someone says to you, "What do you have to be anxious about? Your life is great!" It is quite appropriate to agree with them about how great your life is and then...punch them. 

And please remember that I am not a licensed professional or any sort of professional at all.

I am just me. 

Big love...Ms. Moon

Well, that is a far more cheerful picture than the one I could post at this moment. About an hour ago there was a family group text with a picture of Owen lying on a bed in a medical facility with a sling on his arm. I'd post it but he looks too sad and in pain and there is no need for that. 
My poor baby. 
He was skateboarding...
These boys and their arms! And sometimes legs. This is not the first time Owen has broken an arm. He'll be okay. They are going to just wrap it tonight and tomorrow he'll go to the orthopedic clinic to get it set properly. I wish we had stock in that clinic. 
I talked to Lily and a little bit to Owen and I could tell his pain was severe. "Have they given him anything for pain?" I asked.
"Not yet," she said. 
"Well, see if they will."
It seems to me that the medical people just do not consider the pain levels of children the way they do with adults which is ridiculous and not right. But Lily found a nurse and they have given him some morphine which, as we all know, will get the job done. He's in the same ER facility that I was in almost exactly a year ago with my appendix and I will never forget the relief that morphine brought to me before they got me into surgery. I am hoping that it does the same for our boy. 

Aside from that, how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln? 

Actually, it's been a very fine day. 
Vergil went hunting this morning at our friend Tom's house and he got a doe. Almost all of the meat that their family eats is meat that has been hunted or fished by Vergil or Mr. Moon so this is a big deal. He brought it over here to process because all of the equipment is here and Jessie and the boys came out with ice to keep the deer on because that is how it is done. And since it was a Sunday morning I made a nice breakfast of biscuits and bacon and eggs. We ate on the porch and it was sweet. 

August ate three "savory" biscuits as he calls them, with mayonnaise, mustard, avocado, tomatoes, and bacon. Levon ate some eggs and bacon and had honey on his biscuit. 

They left soon after that with good-bye treats of a cookie each that I had saved back after I made a batch for Mr. Moon to have on his trip, and I have had yet another very leisurely day although I did replant a few things in the garden that haven't shown any signs of coming up and I picked the first few thinnings of arugula and a few cherry tomatoes that we planted late. 
And then, I finally mopped the kitchen, pantry, and the bathroom. 
I was embarrassed to let Mark see the state the kitchen floor was in. He is actually a very neat and tidy person and is the first house-sitter we've ever had who actually cleaned BEHIND THE TAPS on the kitchen sink. 
I swooned when I saw that. 

Mr. Moon should be home in a few hours. He's taking it very slowly. He left the reunion at a reasonable hour but then a buddy and his wife came over to where he was staying and they talked until two in the morning. 

Understandable. 
I'll be relieved when he pulls into the driveway. 

The light this evening is absolutely splendid and it was this morning too, which is when I took the top picture of the roses blooming in the garden. They are so leggy and yes, I do prune them but the heirloom roses just do what they want for the most part and grow and bloom in accordance with some mysterious plan of their own and who am I to try and tell them what to do and when to do it?

That is the live oak in the front of our house. I rarely take pictures of it because I can never capture the incredible size and majesty of it and feel a great need to do it justice. But this evening, with the light the way it was, showing the deep crevices and wrinkles of its aged-being, I took one anyway. The limb that goes out to the right has a huge hollow hole in it that goes from one side to the other and eventually it will fall. That limb is as big as most trees. But- the hole has been there for the entire time we've lived here. Eighteen years. Like the roses, these trees have a schedule and plan and a span of their own and I can only be grateful for the fact that I can live here as witness to their ancient lives. 

In two days I'll be in a place where I can visit a pine tree that grows by the river that was old when I was a child, got struck by lightening when I lived there, and has lived to envelop the scar and continue to grow and reach its branches towards the sky. I can still remember the smell of the charred bark and wood of the tree after the lightening blast. I thought it would probably die but it has not. I will take a picture of it while I'm there. 

The latest report on Owen is that he is okay. I am sure that it's going to be a rough night for that tough boy but as I told him on the phone, "You are going to get through this. You will be all right. You are strong. I love you so much."
"I know," he said,"I love you too," and I could hear the thickness of tears in his throat. He doesn't really know but he will learn. As we all must do.

Love...Ms. Moon

Another Truly Good Day

The pine cone lilies are doing their fall scarlet magic trick, sending up these beautiful cones. I just learned from my plant app that these gingers are also called "bitter ginger". I knew that some people call them "shampoo lilies" because the liquid in the cones can be used as a shampoo. The cones are not dense, but somewhat smushy and hold a lot of the liquid in them. And after years of growing these, I just learned another fact- the roots can indeed be used in cooking. 

I'll be darned. 

A lot has happened here since last night! Well, you know- for me. 

With the impetus of the article I posted last night and the courage born of two martinis, I emailed the owner of the pool house with the pink stove to ask if he had any dates available in the next week or two and he did and so Mr. Moon and I are leaving on Tuesday to go stay for almost a week. My husband has been pushing me to do this because he's about to begin his yearly hunting adventures in various and distant places and I think it will relieve his guilt immensely if he takes me somewhere I love before leaving me to travel which is silly because I do not mind at all being alone but I love him for wanting to take me away for a little trip. 

He had suggested that we go last month but I, facing that doctor's appointment, told him that I could not enjoy myself until I had gotten through it and knew that all was well. This of course is crazy-thinking but he knows me and he understands that this is how I am. I think the whole experience of anticipatory anxiety kicked off a bout of extremely uncomfortable regular anxiety for me which has not been fun at all. And the idea of leaving my home, my routine, has been almost more than I could bear. But, I had a talk with myself and, knowing it was exactly what I needed to do, I wrote that email. Of course I woke up at 2:30 in the morning thinking, "WHAT HAVE I DONE?" but eventually I went back to sleep and all day I have been glad I made the plan. Glen says, "Let's GO!" and so we shall. 

And to make it all even better, I got a text this morning from our friend Mark who is an amazing house sitter, entirely out of the blue that said, "I love you," and I wrote him back, "I love you too! Want to come and stay here next week while Glen and I go off?" 
He did! He does! 
And so I have not had to worry about that for a second. 

If I was a believing (in anything) woman I would say, "It is meant to be!" but I'm not so I will just say- wow. I am so lucky. 

Another thing that happened yesterday was that I texted back and forth with our beloved Billy almost all day and we ended up agreeing that he and his wife, Shayla, and son, Waylon, should come out for a little visit today. And that happened! 

Those of you who have been here forever know of Darling Billy and Beautiful Shayla and their boy Waylon. Billy and Shayla got married here in our back yard quite awhile ago. In fact, I performed the ceremony which was one of the biggest honors of my life. I met Billy through Hank back when Billy was in high school, and when he started bringing Shayla around, we were all so happy. 
She is the real-deal person. 
And I have not laid physical eyes on them for a very long time. Billy works from home now, as a crisis-line intervention counselor, and Shayla is a first grade teacher. Probably the best first grade teacher in the world. Definitely in Florida. We sat on the back porch this afternoon and ate roasted peanuts and talked and talked and talked about all the things that matter in life. Waylon hung out on the periphery, seemingly pretty content. 
Before they left I asked if I could take a picture of them for the blog and Waylon, who was already in the car, said, "Just one! One picture!" I promised just one picture. 

I will always keep my promises to Waylon. He is almost thirteen and I swear he is going to be as tall as Glen. He's 1/4 inch short of being 6'. 

And then, because Billy and Shayla allowed me, I took another picture of the two of them. 

As Jessie said when I sent her these pictures, "Oh my gosh. Those people are just love in human form."
And they are. 

So. That is what has happened in my tiny world today. I got two darling pictures of August and Levon with Cherry from Jessie. 

This morning on Facebook, a memory showed up from August's first birthday party. I had linked to THIS POST from blessourhearts and when I went back and read it, I remembered for sure why I keep this blog. I have a record of so much of my life and my family and if my grandbabies want to know what they did and how they looked from the earliest years of their life, they will be able to see. 

The Cuteness is Overwhelming.

Magnolia looks at Owen, her big brother, with eyes of love and adoration.

And then, Magnolia June demonstrates her dominance of the world at an early age, much to August's consternation. 

And one more picture from that post. 

Some things never really change. 

Love...Ms. Moon