That is my front gate. It opens up to Old Lloyd Road, otherwise known as Highway 158. From this road, and thus, from my gate, you can get almost anywhere in the American continent.Isn't that an amazing thing?
I could drive out of my driveway and get on that road and depending on the roads I took and which direction I took them, I could end up in Arizona or Wyoming or even somewhere way, way up in Alaska or way, way down in South American. Peru? I have no sense of geography but I know there are very few places you can't get to from here.
And when I say "you" I am speaking euphemistically because after years of joking about being agoraphobic, I am finding that really, I think I am.
It's getting harder and harder to leave the house, even for my walk and that is severely wrong. The thought of going to Publix, my safe, safe place where I am surrounded by people I know, foods I love to cook and eat, and the great Muzak which plays Joni Mitchell and John Lennon and Bruce Springsteen, makes me feel a little tense and finds me going through the cabinets to see what I can throw together for a meal without a trip to the store.
Mental illness is just the weirdest thing in the world. I mean, I completely understand and admit that I can't control much in this world. Not the economy or the election, surely, but doggone it, doesn't it seem like I should be able to control my own mind?
What I'm finding out is that the illness is also part of my mind, of course! and as strong as I think "I" am, that's how strong the part of my mind is that is...what? I'm struggling for the right words here. Trying to take over? I'm battling? I'm being mystified and confused by? That is ill?
Yeah. All of that.
Whoa.
Anyway, this has been a perfectly lovely weekend. I thought I was going to be alone for much of it but it turns out that I have been alone for very little of it. I don't know if my friends and family got together and decided to tag-team babysitting me or if they really wanted to come, but come they did and I, at least, had a wonderful time with Hank and Lily and Jason and Billy and Shayla. We had fun meals and fun drinks and played fun games and I had overnight company two nights, which is such a treat.
And in a few minutes I'm going to leave the house and go to Monticello for a script run-through for a radio play I'm going to be involved with and I know I will have such a good time there. I went last Sunday for auditions and after about an hour, being in that beautiful old building with those beautiful people, I felt better than I'd felt in weeks, so this is something I know I truly want and need to do.
And yet. I can't kid you. I'm stressed out at the idea of leaving the house and going there and I can't put my finger on why. It's just a vague sense of oh, do I HAVE to go?
And I do, dammit. I have to go. That is all there is to it. For my own sanity, I must.
I will get in my car and drive down Highway 158 towards Highway 90, I will take a right, I will end up in front of the Monticello courthouse and I will park by the Opera House. I will walk in and it will be wonderful and it will be fun.
And when it's over, I'll get back in my car and head home and end up, right here where I started, the better for it.
And Mr. Moon will be here with fish and dirty clothes and kisses and tales of adventures on the sea.
All roads lead somewhere. All the oceans do too. It's good to go out on them sometimes, have adventures, both great and small, and then return.
I know that.
