This Sunday's Church Of The Batshit Crazy Hymn Choice. Please Turn to Page "Indianola Mississippi Seeds" In Your Hymnal To Sing Along (Trigger Warning- Childhood Sexual Abuse But Nothing Graphic)

 I went out to the garden today to pick peas and do some therapeutic weeding and thought I'd take a picture of the zinnias coming up where the ones I planted last spring and which have taken their last breath reseeded themselves. This happens every year and sometimes there's enough summer left for them to even make some blooms but they're always rather unimpressive blooms. Smaller than the ones from which they sprang. 
Doesn't seem like "sprang" should be a word, does it? 

As always, getting down and dirty helped my mood and attitude and I'm glad I did it. I also, after swearing I was done with it, worked some more in the area to the right of the driveway, pulling more and more and more crocosmia and other assorted plants which insist on growing there because they are ASSHOLES! 
I'm going to quit calling all these plants "invasives" and just call them assholes, which they are. Both, really. 

But it is so satisfying to see some progress made. 

Maurice came out to check on me. Since the temperature has gotten a little more reasonable, we are both more apt to spend some time outside. I got this picture when she was hiding behind a palm. 

Amazing I could even see her, cleverly hidden as she was. 
I now believe my theory that she hangs out with me when I'm outside because she likes to stay close to me is false. I think she's just so bored she needs something different to think about. 
With disdain. 

So I read this click-baity article via AOL news today (so you know it's totally authentic and scientific and genuine and bone fide) entitled "Six Signs You Were Raised By A Narcissist" and as shallow as the article was, it raised a few points that hit home pretty darn hard. One of them was "You derive self-worth solely through your achievements." 
My god. Is that me or not? 

Another one was "At times you've felt you more your parent's partner than their child."
Check, check, check. UNTIL my mother remarried at which time she completely "broke up with me" and made it quite clear that she had a real partner now and I could just go play in the sandbox or something.
Not to worry, though. I fell completely in love with my new stepdad and he returned that love by, well, doing stuff. But hey! He did take me on real dates at fancy restaurants! A few times. Like...two. And he bought me that Porsche! I mean, it wasn't really mine but I could drive it whenever I wanted. 
Talk about grooming! Although by the time the Porsche came around, I think he was just trying to buy my silence. Which he did. Sort of. For a little while.

Okay. But back to the Narcissist. This isn't about the sexual abuser. 

The thing that hit me hardest in the article was this line: "They may also try to control other people's actions by threatening to harm themselves unless a certain outcome goes their way." 

Dang. My mother threatened to kill herself about a thousand times. And not in a conversational way, either. In a screamy way. 

Oh, the good old days. 

So anyway, I do now realize that my mother got the short end of the stick in a lot of ways in her life and that a lot of her choices were made based on how she was raised or what happened to her in her young married life or...well. Whatever. Also, she obviously suffered from clinical depression and at least one of her worst episodes of that was the direct result of a horrible thing that happened to one of her students while she was in charge of the class. It wasn't her fault but I know she must have suffered horrible guilt.
But it's not a bad thing to realize where some of my crazy comes from, why I have such bizarre beliefs about my worth and my needs and why it's so hard for me to speak up for myself, even when it would be the absolute best thing to do. 
I mean, I know all this. I knew all this. But it's good to be reminded. I didn't just fall into the trough of despair out of my own blindness and stupidity. 

But oh! Look what I did today!

I got two freezer bags of peas blanched and ready for the freezer! Whoo hoo! That took about twenty minutes, bringing the water to a boil being the longest part of the process. 

Here's a picture of a skillet I've had since 1973 hanging on the wall with a rainbow shining on it. 

Now isn't that pretty? 

I just spent about an hour listening and watching some blues on Youtube. Some Muddy Waters with the Rolling Stones, and some BB King playing and singing "Nobody Loves Me But My Mother (And She Could Be Jiving Me too)", and some Keith Richards and Scotty Moore and Levon Helms, and I don't know if I feel better or worse than I did but at least I have good songs in my head and I'm thinking about all the dark, smoky, red-stooled bars I've sat in and listened to music and that was never time wasted. 
Here's the album wherein I "discovered" the blues, just like Ponce de Leon "discovered" Florida and I am so grateful that BB was there for me when I needed him, just as much or more than Joni Mitchell but in a different way and I came to call him my daddy because when you don't have a daddy, you get to pick your own and I chose BB. Mr. King. I went to see him live many times and it was always the best. Music is the universal language and medicine too, if you ask me, and yes, white girls can get the blues and BB King can sing you out of them or through them or at least make you feel not alone. 
Here you go. It's real short. 

Love...Ms. Moon